What to do about this wondering?

coolibrarian · Nov 15, 2018, 12:13 PM

So, supposedly, my T had her surgery yesterday. I know I am not a friend or relative, who would hear pretty soon after the operation how she was doing. But there is no one to call me, apparently. I don't know if she is even alive!
I had told her, at my last session, that I wanted to know this, and she said she would give it some thought as to how to get this message to me. I told her I didn't want to find out a week later that she had died. She acknowledged the anxiety that I had/have. I know that as of a few weeks ago, she STILL did not have a professional will. I know the two Ts in her practicee I can call on for therapy in her stead, while she is on medical leave, and I also know I can contact my Pdoc (who also works in her office). My T told me that I could text her, but not to expect anything from her during the first week after surgery.
Yesterday I called her office, just to hear her voicemail (This sometimes calms me.). It was simply a message saying that she would be out until January 2019, and that her long-time clients could leave voicemail. She did not say who would answer or when.
T and I have some mutual friends, but the friends don't know that I see T professionally.
Who would you talk to in this situation? One of her partners or my Pdoc? Or someone else?

Travelinglady · Nov 15, 2018, 12:40 PM

I suggest your pdoc for right now. I think you would have been told if she passed away. The message indicates she will be back.

SlumberKitty · Nov 15, 2018, 12:46 PM

SlumberKitty · Nov 15, 2018, 12:47 PM

Coolibrarian, I hope you find out something soon. I know the wait can be very difficult. (((hugs)))

ArtleyWilkins · Nov 15, 2018, 12:55 PM

You can bring this up with your pdoc, but don't expect he will be at liberty to tell you anything beyond, "she's recovering from her surgery and will return once she is ready" which you already know realistically. Her medical information is protected as you know. I would suspect if she was not alive, the practice will have a system for notifying active clients.

coolibrarian · Nov 15, 2018, 01:34 PM

I called my Pdoc and left a message. Stay tuned.

SlumberKitty · Nov 15, 2018, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

I called my Pdoc and left a message. Stay tuned.

I hope you hear something soon!

piggy momma · Nov 15, 2018, 01:48 PM

I know the wait is agonizing.

As you pointed out tho, you are not family or friends. No one should be releasing information to you but your T herself. She said she would get back to after a week, so I would just sit tight, let her recover, and decide how she wants to proceed. She may have second thoughts about revealing anything. And, things can change drastically as well.

My last T went in for what was to be day surgery. A month later he was still in hospital and had been close to death a couple times. He wasn't revealing any information to anyone. We all had to sit patiently, let our imaginations run wild, and cope as best as we could.

Ultimately, they are entitled to their space and privacy as well.

RaineD · Nov 15, 2018, 02:00 PM

Since she said you can text her, you could also send a text asking how she's doing. I think it's a nice gesture.

When my therapist was in the hospital, I'd text him occasionally to check in, and he would respond when he was feeling better. He never got mad at me for texting.

RaineD · Nov 15, 2018, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I know the wait is agonizing.

As you pointed out tho, you are not family or friends. No one should be releasing information to you but your T herself. She said she would get back to after a week, so I would just sit tight, let her recover, and decide how she wants to proceed. She may have second thoughts about revealing anything. And, things can change drastically as well.

My last T went in for what was to be day surgery. A month later he was still in hospital and had been close to death a couple times. He wasn't revealing any information to anyone. We all had to sit patiently, let our imaginations run wild, and cope as best as we could.

Ultimately, they are entitled to their space and privacy as well.

It depends on the therapist. Mine was 100% open about his medical condition, and I was allowed to ask his colleague anything and the colleague was allowed to tell me everything.

ETA: Research shows that the more open the therapist, the less traumatic the experience is for the client.

coolibrarian · Nov 15, 2018, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I know the wait is agonizing.

As you pointed out tho, you are not family or friends. No one should be releasing information to you but your T herself. She said she would get back to after a week, so I would just sit tight, let her recover, and decide how she wants to proceed. She may have second thoughts about revealing anything. And, things can change drastically as well.

My last T went in for what was to be day surgery. A month later he was still in hospital and had been close to death a couple times. He wasn't revealing any information to anyone. We all had to sit patiently, let our imaginations run wild, and cope as best as we could.

Ultimately, they are entitled to their space and privacy as well.

I agree with you that they are entitled to their space and privacy. But the therapeutic relationship is like no other in one's life. There must be some space for communicating with clients--even if it's just a brief email saying she's ok--because of that relationship. She knows I'd want to attend her funeral, should that ever, God Forbid, be necessary. I know that some times a T's spouse will communicate with clients.

I'm anxious. I called and left a message for my Pdoc 90 minutes ago, and he hasn't replied, yet. I'm trying to console myself with the thought that he's probably working, but I feel like I'm going crazy, here! Waiting for anything is bad enough, but at least if you're friends or family, you can wait and commiserate with other people. It's not like there's a support group for people whose T is sick/in the hospital. And there certainly isn't a support group for me and other people who see this T!
I may end up taking an Ativan.

RaineD · Nov 15, 2018, 04:31 PM

Not having other people to commiserate with is probably the hardest part of all this.

Your Pdoc is probably seeing patients and that's why he can't respond immediately. You could also try reaching out to the other therapists who work in her office. It can't hurt. The worst thing that could happen is they also don't get back to you.

doogie · Nov 15, 2018, 05:08 PM

Hi. My past T became suddenly ill and was hospitalized. Like you, there was no one (obviously) was calling me to update me on her condition and I was worried about her. On a very bad anxiety day for me, I decided to call her office and ask to speak to one of the other therapists in practice with her - not for an appointment, just to talk on the phone. When I talked with her, I just explained the situation and asked if she could possibly give me an update on my T. She did give me an update, and I was then able to contact her throughout my T's sickness (about once every couple of weeks) for an update on her condition. I have no idea if this would work for you, but this is the experience I had. Best of luck. I know this is a difficult time for you.

rainbow8 · Nov 15, 2018, 05:55 PM

Did you hear anything yet? Hugs!

ArtleyWilkins · Nov 15, 2018, 06:18 PM

If she just had surgery yesterday, she's not going to have emailing clients on her mind. Give her the time to get home, spend a few days recovering, and start to feel human again. Rest assured that she probably has family or friends looking after her, and unless you hear otherwise from her office, things are probably going about as planned.