[DP_2017]

I am sure this has been posted before but I just felt like asking it in my own way on here.

So I basically love going to my session every week, I get a long great with T and we RARELY talk about anything deep, it's just a lot of fun usually. I love seeing him and talking with him... about anything.

However, even after 1.5 years, I STILL get bad anxiety before every session. Sometimes I can't eat, sometimes I go to the bathroom a ton, sometimes, bad stomach pain.... the instant I see him, it's gone. Literally there's been times I've parked and got out of my car thinking, "Great I have to go to the bathroom again when I get in there" but I see him and go in and that never comes to my mind again until I'm home. I feel normal

Why does this still happen? How can I stop it?

[starfishing]

I hate to make the most obvious comment ever, but... Have you talked to your therapist about it? It's such an interesting and extremely strong (and difficult sounding) pattern, and it seems like discussing it (or discussing it more) could be really useful and productive.

[DP_2017]

I did the other night. He didn't give much response so that's why I posted here

[Argonautomobile]

Have you examined what you're anxious about? You've described emotions (anxiety) and behaviors (can't eat) but what about thoughts? What, if anything, are you thinking when you feel so anxious before a session?

[Salmon77]

IIRC you have some strong feelings for your T that you don't think you can talk to him about. I think that might bring up a lot of anxiety, sort of an "elephant in the room" situation.

It seems strange that you rarely talk about anything deep. Do your conversations with T help you?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

IIRC you have some strong feelings for your T that you don't think you can talk to him about. I think that might bring up a lot of anxiety, sort of an "elephant in the room" situation.

It seems strange that you rarely talk about anything deep. Do your conversations with T help you?

Yes. It helps. My life outside him is very toxic and depressing so even just casually chatting helps. I feel cared for and worth something even just 1 time a week

Ya probably feelings could be a problem too.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Have you examined what you're anxious about? You've described emotions (anxiety) and behaviors (can't eat) but what about thoughts? What, if anything, are you thinking when you feel so anxious before a session?

It's hard to say. Usually there's lots of toxic behavior in my family even on t days so I'm more often focused on that. Sometimes I worry about things on my notes. I think even though i trust him, i know he has limits that I've hit before. Part of me always wonders if ill mess up again

[imnotbroken]

Hi, DP_2017.

I can relate to what you said in every way possible. I've been in therapy with T for 20 months and I still have the same symptoms you've described. I can't eat, my stomach hurts, etc.

But this feeling, unlike yours, does not fade away as soon as I see T. She's pointed this out a few times, but I can never comprehend nor explain to her why this happens. It has now become a light joke: whenever I walk into her office feeling anxious about something else, I say "you are not the reason I'm feeling anxious today'. But I think I feel like that because, although I feel really comfortable with her, I still have a hard time opening up, it's my first time in therapy.

[SlumberKitty]

I have the bathroom thing. Even with my former T who I saw for 10 years. I literally would leave the bathroom before I left the house, have to go to the bathroom when I got to therapy, and have to go to the bathroom after I got done with therapy. It is ridiculous. I never have figured out how to stop the anxiety so I don't have this problem. ((hugs)) It's not easy.

[Lrad123]

No great solutions, but just wanted to say I have this too. Going to see my T has the same effect as taking a mild laxative. Not all the time, but much of the time. We have definitely talked about it and he is open to talking about it. It’s complicated though, and I feel like it might be getting better, at least for the past 2 weeks, in part because I feel more empowered in our therapy relationship.

[piggy momma]

I don’t really have a solution either. I go to the bathroom before I get home, as soon as I get there, and as soon as I leave his office. Plus I take an Imodium.

I find it interesting that you don’t really talk about anything deep, but then again, neither do we. I am trying to, but it just doesn’t seem to happen. It usually turns into happy chit chat.

Anyway, I hope you find some solutions soon. Upset tummies are no fun.

[DP_2017]

Yes, I avoid heavily. Probably part of my fearful avoidant and partly because I'd rather just have fun with him.

[Glowworm80]

I often have light conversations with my T and see it as benefiting to building and maintaining rapport and trust. I love these times and would continue to do it all the time if my guilt didn’t kick in. I pay a lot per session and I don’t want to waste my money talking about things that aren’t therapeutic for the entire session. That’s not to say that people who do have light conversations for the whole session are wasting their time as they might be there for different reasons so may not be.

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I did the other night. He didn't give much response so that's why I posted here

It seems like you need to bring it up again! It sounds like there are some really powerful feelings underlying your experience while you're heading to therapy, that you're then repressing really forcefully while you're in session with your therapist. Which makes sense--but the only way to figure out what's going on is to talk about it.

I have a very parallel but also essentially opposite experience right now, fwiw, where I feel great and at most slightly anxious when I'm on my way to therapy, but as soon as I see my therapist my anxiety gets impossibly intense and overwhelming. I haven't figured it out yet by any means, but talking about it in therapy has brought up some useful and interesting material.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by starfishing

It seems like you need to bring it up again! It sounds like there are some really powerful feelings underlying your experience while you're heading to therapy, that you're then repressing really forcefully while you're in session with your therapist.

Likely true but that in itself is a issue. I can't do emotions well. I use notes every session, I trust my T tons, but I still can't allow myself to go deep and emotional in session. It's just the way I've always dealt with things, even as a kid, so it's not something I really know how to fix, no doubt frustrating for my T at times but he's pretty patient thankfully

[ElectricManatee]

I had this problem for several months maybe about two years ago. I used to have GI issues before session and then sometimes last-minute heart palpitations while sitting in the waiting room. Looking back, I think it started to happen when I started wanting to open up more in session about vulnerable/stressful/complicated things but wasn't yet totally convinced on a deep level that my T could be trusted with the delicate things I wanted to share. Kind of a push/pull thing going on inside me. The anxiety got better on its own eventually, I think as my T showed that everything I was thinking and feeling was welcome in session. It sucked while it was happening, though.

My T's advice for the heart palpitations was to get up and take a brisk walk, I guess to give the nervous energy/physiological activation an outlet. (I amused myself trying to imagine her response to discovering me frantically pacing in her tiny waiting room.) I couldn't bring myself to ask about the GI stuff, though.

If you experience any of this, it could be Annihilation Anxieties

Annihilation anxieties can be specified on the level of clinical description and on the level of clinical generalization (Waelder, 1962). Examples from the level, of clinical generalization have been described as (a) fears of being overwhelmed, being unable to cope, and of losing control; (b) fears of merger, entrapment, or being devoured; (c) fears of disintegration of self or of identity, of emptiness, meaninglessness, or nothingness, or of humiliation-mortification; (d) fears of impingement, penetration, or mutilation; (e) fears of abandonment or need for support; and (f) apprehensions over survival, persecution, catastrophe (Hurvich, 2003).

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Likely true but that in itself is a issue. I can't do emotions well. I use notes every session, I trust my T tons, but I still can't allow myself to go deep and emotional in session. It's just the way I've always dealt with things, even as a kid, so it's not something I really know how to fix, no doubt frustrating for my T at times but he's pretty patient thankfully

Makes perfect sense. Everything in due course--I've also had a lot of difficulty being emotional in therapy at various points, and it's a long process over a lot of time for me to delve into it. A lot of that progress started with just talking about the difficulty itself, bit by small bit, for what that's worth.

Do you have social anxiety in general? If yes, maybe it's just a form of that. I did not experience similar with therapy but when I have bouts of social anxiety, it is usually an anticipation and discomfort before the actual social encounter or events and often vanishes as soon as I am in it. I think having strong feelings that you are not revealing can definitely make that sort of anxiety worse.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Do you have social anxiety in general? If yes, maybe it's just a form of that. I did not experience similar with therapy but when I have bouts of social anxiety, it is usually an anticipation and discomfort before the actual social encounter or events and often vanishes as soon as I am in it. I think having strong feelings that you are not revealing can definitely make that sort of anxiety worse.

Yes I do have SA but I don't with him, and it's typically just us when I go. It's probably more likely related to the feelings.