Has anyone successfully worked through their transference?

apologies for my offending, but that was not my intention when i responded with curiosity about why or what is it that attracts people to remain in therapy for extended periods of time. i shared my view that for me therapy is intended to help one grow, to eventually leave the nest, sort of speak. that is how i view my own 7 year experince of therapy, but i don't think i would have ever 'left the nest' if i didn't overcome the feeling of being 'addicted' and truama boded to my therapist. for me, it was working through the transference, ending the constant negative reenactments of my early childhood, ending the trauma bond with my T that helped me to grow to where i was no longer afraid to live a life without him in it.

you are correct, it is absolutely about fear. personally, this was the biggest revelations to come to me in therapy. i didn't want to live a life of fear anymore and fortunately found a way to get past the fear and move forward in my life.

so i guess the real crux of my thinking in my prior post was wondering when a client remains in therapy long term, how much of that is of the clients own free will or how much is it influenced and maintained by the therapist triggering and perhaps feeding that fear which keeps the client 'stuck' in long term therapy?

i appreciate hearing others views, including yours, and like many have already shared. i reckon that is where the insightful conversations begin.

agreed. i too find it interesting too, and when i was struggling in therapy and with my T, doubting that i was doing it correctly, that i was too blame, i found it invaluable to hear of others experiences, both good and bad.

same, it was not just transference for me either but painful reenactments playing out over and over again. when i started to become more regulated in my emotions, i could see the difference between what i called 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' transference. the unhealthy transference was more about traumatic bonding. as the unhealthy transference began to fade for me i still encountered some transference with my ex-T, but it was manageable and i could work through it with ease. and that is the difference, the unhealthy transference was never workable. it just kept me stuck in a continuous loop spirally downward even further into despair.

apologies, my intention was not about invalidating others experiences of therapy, but to share some of the thoughts i ponder about therapy since my own therapy experince and too open up the discussion to hearing others perspectives, whether someone agreed with what i said or not. perhaps my post didn't come off as intended, but others have been willing to share their stories and i appreciate that.

It would be highly unethical for a therapist to use fear, intimidation, threats, or triggers to keep a client in therapy. That's not to say it doesn't happen; I'm sure it does, but it would definitely be the exception and not the norm.

I know for myself, I have to practically beg to stay in therapy. My therapist has tried cutting back my sessions, saying I don't need weekly, and every time he does, *I'll* create a crisis to stay weekly.

I don't have any transference issues at this time, but therapy is my safe place where I can be totally honest about what I'm really thinking and feeling. I like the guy a lot, but not in any romantic or parental kind of way.

this is similar for me as well. i still care deeply for my T, but no longer need him and i have moved on. i too remain in contact with my ex-T, pop into him from time to time, have had a few meet ups, and similar to what you said, for me it is like running into an old acquaintance. we both enjoyed each other enough, but we have our own lives and have moved onto new things. it feel very normal, is pleasant time spent for a brief period, and not the least bit awkward. it's good to know that you to have been able to experince similar after your therapy.

I see the opposite. Across the therapy universe, client reports of harmful therapy are viewed with suspicion or rationalized ... bad fit, wrong modality, resistant client, lazy client, distrustful client, therapists are human, yada yada yada. Whereas benefits tend to be put on a pedestal and worshipped. This is core stuff, part of therapy scripture. Thou shalt blame the client.

And (related to the topic of this thread) benefit of the doubt is given to therapist point of view, thus concepts like "working thru transference" are accepted as gospel, rather than being viewed skeptically as a probable marketing slogan.

I don't think you're talking about therapists intentionally triggering fear here, are you? Although that probably could happen, too. But when the (unconscious transference-countertransference) dynamic going on in the therapy interaction triggers fear in the client, thus activating the responses of a "trauma bonding", which some clients are susceptible to becauase of previous unresolved trauma. Hence, a kind of catch-22 in going to therapy for that. And when under the spell of trauma bonding -- like Stockholm syndrome -- I think there is a legitimate question about how much a person's will is "free".

The problem -- as I know well -- is that when under the spell, or in the bind, one can't see it clearly.

I find it so interesting -- and possibly helpful to others? -- that when you learned how to control your arousal through neurofeedback, and with the "unconditional positive regard" and commitment of your spouse, that you could make the distinction about your therapy which you couldn't previously. For people who find therapy an unconditionally safe place, they probably don't have that issue. But for lots of us, we do. And currently there isn't anything to help us identify what is going on, or to help prevent it from happening in the first place.

yes, thank you for pointing that out. i realise i was not completly clear in my response and i was mainly referring to unintentional or unconscious motivations from the therapist playing out, similar to what you stated here.

I think these thoughts privately, while also feeling compelled to remain and try. The phrase " constant negative reenactments of my early childhood" describes half of my therapy accurately , and the other half is a kind of joyous reunion and connection. It feels unhealthy, exhausting, but obsessive. My real life relationships are much more constant and safe. I get confused, but I do realize I project fear from early childhood on my T, which makes him sad- cycle.

It's good that your real life relationships are constant and safe. I can understand, then, where exploring the other through therapy could be -- interesting, possibly helpful, no risk, no gain.

The problem for me, the situation I was in -- after my late husband died I did not have any relationships that were, really, constant and safe except for the trauma-bonded, enmeshed ones with my family (but only as long as I kept my real self out of them). I went to therapy to try to -- rebuild a life for myself, deal with issues I knew/felt were down there and which kept me from . . .what, I wasn't exactly sure.

So,. . .down the rabbit hole I went. . .found "myself" but she was unacceptable once again -- to the therapist -- who was my "world", my projection, my hope for the future, whatever that was. . .and it was devastating, unbearable, disruptive to my life, limited though that already was.

I would like to say, that I guess the lesson from my experience is that when that happens it can be important to find/have other social environments which are safer -- I found them here and in a support group IRL.

And a question also -- what was it that was "devastated"? And then, why do I want to share what I think is a lesson from my experience? I kind of have some answers, sorta maybe, but the questions are maybe more interesting?

Hope you can deal with and understand your fear from your experiences with this therapist, and can accept that his sadness is his sadness. Do you all talk about that at all? That his response is his response and -- hopefully -- it's OK?

Yeahbut one of the best threads evah.

I would say that one of the long term benefits of my long term therapy is I don't really feel afraid of anything anymore, including leaving therapy or leaving my therapist. And I think for a long time I was stuck in my life decisions in ways that were anxiety or fear based, which I think is a typical historical influence of severe childhood trauma. But my decision to remain in therapy for nearly a decade, with no plans to end soon, is very deliberately made based on a growth perspective rather than a need to get over any kind of fear, therapy related or not. Maybe it's just my therapist and maybe it is his own strengths model of clients, but it would just be very atypical for him to trigger any kind of fear that I cannot handle either what I've had to handle in life during the time I've seen him or that I cannot handle the difficult issues I've brought to therapy. When I've taken a break or quit altogether, he is confident in my decision to do so and yet welcomes me back when I return.

I can't explain how or when or why therapy has helped me deal rationally with my many fears, both relational and existential, and it's not like I have dealt with them always in a direct manner, but I know the primary benefit has been that I can recognize, articulate, examine, and respond to the fears that used to run my life. As a consequence, I handle my high stress and high stakes work easier and better than I ever have, parent my child in a more supportive way (and he's less fearful too), and generally feel more calm and content on a regular basis. These are huge benefits for me, and as I've opened up to the fears I bring to therapy, my long term therapist has been able to help me negotiate these more quickly and consistently and effectively. He can point out when he's "heard a version of this story before", remind me of how I've dealt with this before, or otherwise give me information tailored to me so I can hear it.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone if you haven't experienced the perhaps unique benefits of long term therapy, or maybe if therapy has been without, as mine has, some sort of constant or frequent rupture, or where transference or difficulties with the therapy relationship are primary. I don't think there is anything my therapist or I myself have done to prevent ruptures-- when they've occurred, like transference, they have been short lived and resolve easily. Now, compared to earlier, I can respond in the moment when something he says strikes me the wrong way (or maybe the next session). Just like a long term friendship or other intimate relationship, I think he knows me better and I know him better and it's easier to dive into the real issues and not get hung up on the stuff that is not about what brought me to therapy. Like most people with my history, I have attachment issues and I think those have been resolved along the way and aided by being in therapy for so long, at least as is indicated by a general improvement in my interpersonal life, deeper friendships and more satisfying ones. I continue to see improvements in many aspects of my life that I think are attributable to therapy.

I don't agree that successful therapy means you no longer need or want therapy. That can certainly be the case for some and maybe even most therapy. Just because you're in long term therapy and don't have that goal, doesn't mean-- as you seem to presume-- that there is a problem with the person or the therapy. It is easy for me to understand how someone continued in therapy long term and how they can benefit from it. For some issues there is no end point in "cured" or "healed." And even if someone benefits simply from having extra support beyond their social network, that seems just fine to me. It's between them and their T and their pocketbook, and to assume there is a dependency there. I renew my book membership every month but that hardly means I am addicted to reading and reading new books. For me, sessions are not a rehash but involve new content and explorations and are the closest thing I can imagine to something that is good for me (reading, learning) that I continue to do and get better at it. I'm a better reader now than I was decades ago, partly because of my "experience" reading as well as the content/knowledge I've accumulated. Same is true for my therapy experience.

I have been in therapy for 17 years 2 year break in between. I do not feel it has become a addiction for me, it's to maintain my emotional health. I do not believe my therapist is going to keep me longer then nessacery. Also we not set of end date as long as im making progress and I feel therapy is helping he will continue to see me. I used to think i would be done ages ago. I don't think there is any thing wrong with me continuing going to therapy if i am benifiting from it.

Right.....I feel I am emotionally more stable when I have someone to talk to about what went on during the week and any issues. Maybe it is a crutch. Do not tell me to go find someone in real life to talk to because it is not the same. You do not have to hold space for the therapist feelings and then listen and help them with their issues like you would if it was a friend.

I personally don't see too much overall imbalance in terms of therapy believers and antagonists on this forum and there are many people who don't seem to identify with poles or have just one steady type of opinion (I would place myself in the latter "agnostic" category). There are posts and threads for/focusing on the more extreme opinions, as well as threads like this one with a mix of everything. I like hearing all the different experiences and opinions as long as they do not turn into remarkable defensiveness and passive aggression, but even the latter are useful for the people who post them in some way, I guess. I think it is perfectly fair and valid to advocate what has or has not worked for someone and also to raise what someone perceives as systemic patterns and issues.

This whole transference topic is also something that naturally attracts the diversity given that it's not fool-proof, hardcore science and the concepts are quite obscure as well. I personally believe in the phenomenon of transference, just think it is often oversimplified and put in a few common boxes, and I do despise therapists or therapies that look at every interaction and feeling as transference.

I've experienced the therapy system as sort of a giant dysfunctional family, where it's not ok to talk about systemic issues and patterns. Lot of secrecy, lot of denial.

Anyone reading this forum (or other forums, blogs) can plainly see that: therapy can be addictive, therapy harms a significant number of people, the positive effects tend to be palliative and tapering or stopping creates problems, and transference/attachment scenarios tend to trap people.