Wondering if its worth mentioning to T

Parents with good boundaries gently tell children when they are doing something inappropriate. Something went awry with your dad and that can’t possibly be your fault.

As Kecanoe said, a healthy adult, a healthy parent would distract the child from this activity. And, generally speaking, this sort of thing may happen naturally when the child is much younger, 1-2 may be even 3 years old but not older than that. By the age of 8-9, in a healthy family environment, the child is well aware of the concept of private parts and the body integrity in general. If an 8-9 year old is innocently unaware of this and touches the parent's nipples out of ignorance, that means that someone in the family introduced this behavior to the child and normalized it, and that is sexual abuse. In a healthy family, the idea of doing this would simply not cross the mind of an 8-9 year old. When the child of this age does what you did in your memory, someone taught them this behavior.

The shame is not on the child who did this. The shame and the blame is on the perpetrator who tacitly or explicitly encouraged the behavior.

I said he probably told me to stop.

Why would you lose him if you tell him to stop? Those aren't the only two choices. There should be a middle ground here, where you say, "Hey I don't like that" and he stops doing it but remains in your life. If he really would abandon his daughter because you won't let him do whatever he wants to you, then yes, this sounds abusive (at least emotionally). Even if being alone is painful it is better than being abused.

Probably? You are not sure? Well, that's unfortunate that your memory doesn't show him taking you off of him and re-directing your attention to something else, which would be a healthy reaction from the parent. Combined together with his current behavior, I'd suspect that it is improbable that he had told you to stop.

If he rejects you for not letting him abuse you that speaks volumes about him.

But look, I understand that we need people in our life, and, if he is the only person you have, the only one you are attached to, then it must feel terrifying to lose him, even if he is abusing you. As oddly and illogically as it may sound, we, as humans, actually, prefer being abused to being alone, especially if we have never had a chance to develop a healthy autonomy. Abused people generally have developmental problems (precisely because of abuse) and have enormous dependency issues. Being abandoned in those cases equals to being deserted and left to die. I get it. It is scary to be abandoned.

But you can still take care of yourself and you can start doing it now. Begin with talking to your therapist about all this. See what happens. Then take one step at a time. You can do it.

I highly recommend you to check out this resource. Yes ICAN: International Child Advocacy Network

They help people with your issues. They are really good. Their support chatrooms are safe and they use trained facilitators. You can use them anonymously as long as you need to. They are very experienced in dealing with all kinds of sexual abuse situations and they've been doing this work for a very long time now.

I also have to say this. I am very concerned about the fact that your T can freely talk to your mother about anything behind your back. In your situation, this makes therapy very unsafe. If you tell your T what you told here and then she tells your mother about it, this may complicate your situation further, especially given that you and your mother don't have a good relationship.

I seriously recommend you to revoke your consent for your T to talk to your mother before you talk to her again. I would email the T and ask her to give me the form that revokes the previous authorization to talk to the mother, and, if she doesn't have that form, I'd simply say in the email that I withdraw my authorization and that I no longer want her to talk to the mother. This should be enough for her to stop all communications with your mother. You just need some form of documentation to show that you requested it.

I also wonder if your mother knows about your father's current behavior toward you like inappropriate touches and things of that sort. And, if she does, what is her reaction? What is she doing about it?

I am really curious about all of this. You have been writing for months about the possibility of your mother sexually abusing you, and now just the other day your father tells you he took a picture of you with your legs spread apart. Why do you think he is suddenly behaving in this way? This seems really out of the blue.

Dnester, are you talking about your biological father?

My parents have been divorced since I was 11. They do not speak. He was abusive to her. I have not told her because there is nothing she can do besides tell me not to be near him. She would tell my sister and my sister would tell my dad what I said. Then my dad would get pissed and say he didnt do anything wrong and then my sister would be mad at me. Its not worth it.

Yes I am.

Are you saying I am lying? I dont know why he is acting this way. I am not sure its that serious. Me being sexually abused by my mother was a theory my T came up with not me.

I'm curious as to why your T thought that it was your mother who had been sexually abusing you. What you mention about your father doing now and the memory about the nipples (which, as others said, is abuse, even if it was you doing that--your father should have just said "no" and not allowed it). It makes me wonder if, assuming some sort of abuse took place, it could have actually been your father? I think you had talked about a fixation on maternal figures, right? If that's the case, maybe it's because your mother wasn't protecting you from it? I think you should definitely bring all this up with your T.

My T thinks that my mom sexually abused me because of some of the things I think about women. Now that she has talked to her I dont think she believes that anymore but I didnt ask. He probably did say no I dont remember.

Maybe my father thought I was sitting inappropriately or something and my father was just trying to tell me that by taking the picture. I dont know for sure so I shouldnt make a big deal out of it.

Then he would have said something. I tell my kid sometimes hey get your hand outta your pants. It's no big. I dont take pics of them doing it. That's strange. Mention it and if it is "normal" t will say that.

I am an adult.

It’s curious that you are searching for answers, but when most people on here are pointing out your father’s weird (at best) behavior towards you, and this memory does pop up of something not okay to happen TO a child, you dismiss it. i am the queen of minimization, and that feels like what you are doing here.

I have never really been able to really know whats normal and not because I think I over analyze things to much. I really dont know if I should worry much about the thing that happened when I was a child because I dont remember all of it. Maybe he did redirect me and I dont remember. As far as the behaviors he does now I still havent heard from my therapist so she probably things I am being stupid. Otherwise she would have responded sooner.

I ended up telling my mom but told her to keep it to jerself. Whether she does or not is idk. She just text back disgusting, please tell the lady I talked to yesterday.

This website is for adults who were abused as children and/or who may still be abused. It doesn't matter if you don't know for sure if you were abused as a child. You can still go there and talk about what's going on with your father right now, about the memory, about your therapy and everything you bring up here. It's totally safe and anonymous.

Not a strong enough reaction from a mother if you ask me. If someone was doing to my child what your father is doing to you I'd report them to the cops.

There is no need to continue to speculate about the memory. What's going on right now with your father is abusive. You know what you know now and what you know now is unacceptable. At the very minimum you should discuss it with your therapist ASAP.

So my T texted and said very inappropriate how are you managing it. I said by ignoring. No reply back.