Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I'm having a **** day and I think I've just screwed myself out of $250. I HATE MY LIFE.

i just had a thought, T. pdoc asked if you were worried about me, and i just shrugged. i have no clue, but i am leaning towards no. then he asked if he should be worried about me, and i said no because i am not about to jump off a bridge right after the appointment. i find it odd that pdoc or T would worry unless maybe i was suicidal. i should probably write this in my journal for us to talk about, but its too far away and i am quite cozy on my couch.

Maybe I should quit
Maybe I should give up on all of this
I gave it a shot, it didn't work out. I tried.

I see big changes and progress in you. You have done enormous amount of work already. It IS working out. Your T (or any T or any person) will always at times react or say something less than ideal, but you will get through this as well.

There is no relief in sight. You took everything from me and gave nothing in return. I ask you what do I say when people insult me and nothing....just recently another insult disguised as a compliment...and I said thank you. Some way to live isn't it?

a tall pine tree fell on my house at 4am

<5 days

I can't believe u left when I needed you most. How the **** do I deal with this alone, I wish I hated you

2 days, 1 hour, 24 minutes and 21 seconds...

I'd literally give anything for a 3 second hug from you

I saw you in my dreams last night. <3

t,

you have a couch like freud. you resemble freud. do you really want to be freud? i think you do. anyway, can’t wait to see you.

me

1 day, 17 hours, 44 minutes and 28 seconds...

I had a dream I was in a a group therapy session.

Pdoc,

Last time I saw you I felt like you where randomly asking me questions without really paying attention or wanting to hear the answer. It reminded me of how the sessions used to be with T1 and now I'm feeling like you don't know how to help me anymore and will eventually end up giving up on me... It's probably all in my head, but I've been feeling more alone and hopeless since then.

I am so tired of you treating me like ****. Why can’t I just walk away? Why do I stick around for more?

Dear T,
I know you've been in every other time schools have closed, and I imagine the roads will be fine tomorrow. Plus you live pretty close to your office (you already said you lived 10 minutes away, plus, uh, your wife posted the neighborhood in one of her posts in that group, so that confirms it...). So I assume we'll still have session. But still a little concerned. It's not that I'm in an overly bad place. But all the stuff on the news where they're like "first significant January snowfall since 2016" is taking me back to that snowfall. To saying I'd take D out for a walk in the snow so that I could talk to ex-T on the phone. We didn't get nearly as much snow this time (if we did, I definitely wouldn't be seeing you tomorrow!) But snow is tied up in my memories of that time, of that crisis. I think I need to talk about that with you tomorrow. So, hope you're there.
Love you,
LT

Can't make it tommorow. So you said see you next month..uhmm I guess I'll drop therapy.wasting your and my time

my roommate ran off with some heroin addict

I told her before I don't want to see or be around any heroin. I told her it nearly destroyed me and my life but that she is an adult and makes her own choices

but yea this is too close to home for me

Dear No. 3,

Info is useless. I want you. You and No. 1 were the only ones who really helped, and I think she’s retired.

You two helped because you didn’t make up narratives of what I should be or what you thought I was. Info does that. DBC, CW, Piaf, No. 2–they all did that.

I know that’s what people do, I’m sure I do it too, but I’m ****ing sick of it.

ATAT

Most of the time I feel like I'm a failure of a client, I've been seeing you for 2.5 years and I often feel stuck because I have trouble implementing the coping strategies we talk about. But on Thursday, when I was thinking out loud, you pointed out that my way of thinking about that problem was good because I acknowledged my anxiety but then reminded myself of reasons that things will be OK.
Since then I've realized, ever since I started seeing you, I've been much better at managing my anxiety. I went from my anxiety being so bad that I got ill and lost weight, to now where sometimes I wonder if I even need to keep taking my anti anxiety medicine.
Maybe I'm not a complete failure, after all. I hope you don't think I am.

6 days to go!

Your latest tactic won't work. You will never win me over again. I am on to you. No matter how much you crush me USING your new found "friends", I know the truth about you and it stinks worse then the dump.

Dear T,

I wish I had session today, I feel like I could use it. Maybe I'll e-mail you.

-Butterfly