Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I know you'll want to help me solve it T. I know you will.

Where do I live in your world? That's not quite the right question, but the closest I can articulate right now.

If I hurt your feelings today, I didn't mean to. You pushed me to far. Did you make the repairs you were supposed to make for me or pass it off to someone else?

Miiiisssssss you

19/28

actually something I'm having him read tomorrow, italics are parts that aren't included
If I have him read something and refuse to read it myself he usually reads it out loud. I'm going to ask him not to read this out loud, but I doubt he'll go along with that. And tbh maybe I kind of want to be able to hear the lack of disgust in his voice :/
Edit: I don't think I'm going to ask him to not read it out loud. I think I'd actually feel better about it and more reassured if he did read it out loud because rationally I know I'm not going to hear contempt/disgust in his voice. I just feel like I need to deny myself anything that would make me feel better, like I can't allow myself that comfort.

Thursday was probably close to like the fifth time you've misinterpreted my meaning to be something romantic in nature and I've corrected you, and it's starting to bother me. Well, I think you mean sexual but I've cut you off before you got that far so I'm writing romantic here. I understand how you might have thought that's what I meant the first time, but every time it's come up I've tried to explain that that's not at all what I mean. And after every time this happens I think you finally understand that, and then the next time you assume it again. That's part of what bothers me is that you don't even ask whether that's what I mean, you assume and respond as if you're sure that's what I mean. I don't know whether you forget, whether you think it's changed since the last time, whether you think I'm lying/not admitting it, or what, but it's getting frustrating. It feels like you're not listening to or not hearing me.

It also bothers me because it is, in a way, the exact opposite of what I mean, or at least it makes me deeply uncomfortable to associate the two.
When I use the word "childish" in this context I am not using it in a pejorative way; I very much mean that I feel these things in a "child" way, not in an "adult" way.
And this is the point at which I am usually unable to bring myself to elaborate further because of shame. The feelings to which I'm alluding, the "wants" that I am absolutely disgusted by, are typical of what would have been "normal" and "expected" when I was younger, like maybe 7-10.
If a seven year old was expressing shame and disgust at their desire to be cared about, you would not assume they meant it in any romantic way.
The term "inner child" is trite and obnoxious and makes me roll my eyes (not when anyone else uses it on here, just like in reference to myself), but it is basically what I'm trying to describe. It's like there's part of me that's still that 7-10 year old and very literally has the emotional wants/needs/desires of a 7-10 year old.
I know it doesn't make sense to you, but just suspend for a second preconceived societal ideas of what is shameful/wrong/forbidden/disgusting/taboo /"dirty"/whatever. Those aren't what I'm talking about.

Evolutionarily, kids are "designed" to evoke and receive protective/nurturing maternal instincts. Things like infants having large eyes, crying when upset, etc., are because survival of the child in large part depends on adults' instincts to take care of children. Human children are pretty useless and defenseless otherwise when it comes to survival.

I'm not a child. I'm an adult. But the "manipulative" feelings about wanting to "trick" people into caring about me and "wanting to be cared about in a way that I'm not allowed to have" is, on a deeper fundamental level, about wanting to evoke and receive those protective/nurturing instincts from "adult figures." It's wanting to be responded to with the same kind of attention and caring that one would exhibit towards a hurt child. That you would exhibit towards a hurt child.

There's what feels like a deeply shameful disgusting abhorrent desire for certain others, e.g. you, to have the same kind of emotional response that they would for a child. You pose the hypothetical about how I'd feel about a ten year old describing being in a similar situation and feeling those things about herself. Part of the reason I hate that question so ****ing much is that I want others to have that reaction to me, even though I'm an adult, not a child. You say I'd want to wrap my arms around her, well I want you to want to wrap your arms around me. I want your heart to break a little in the way that mine does when I imagine a child saying those things. Ugh. I want to be seen as a vulnerable scared hurt child because I feel like one a lot of the time.
But I'm not a child and it feels deeply morally wrong and manipulative and shameful and forbidden for me to want to receive the kind of reaction that's only reserved for children because they're vulnerable and innocent and deserving of it. As an adult I'm responsible for myself. It's disgusting, pathetic, etc., to wish for people to care and feel the way they might if I was a child because I'm not a child so I need to accept that I have no right to want that.

It almost feels "unfair" that I was trying to be strong and people saw e as an adult or didn't see/believe how much I was hurting and it feels like I missed my chance to receive that kind of caring/compassion/empathy and now it's too late. It doesn't matter anymore because I'm an adult now. It's okay that I had ****ty experiences as a child because none of that is currently happening to a child. What that child experienced doesn't matter because that child became me and I don't matter.

please don't hate me
please tell me it's okay
please tell me you're not disgusted by me

19 hours

I see u today

>Thanks for the email reply yesterday.

>Exam on thursday

>1 day, 3 hours, 35 minutes and 8 seconds.

I really need something right now. I have a couple of questions about tomorrow and I really want to ask them and know beforehand but I can't email u again, and even if I did ask for this phonecall that I really need right now, you would only say no anyway!

I miss you. It's been too long. Wish I believed you miss me but I know you don't. Why would you? You have better people to talk to now

Things are spiking. Three more sleeps, and then we can talk about it. It's not like I'm counting.

Please please please help me make this session go OK even though it's going to be about the topic that never seems to go right when we talk about it... please somehow connect with me today... please

I think u come into my store and interact with me as some sort of reassurance for me that things are ok and we are ok

i think so too 😊

Me too. I hope it is reassuring.

That's the impression I've gotten

Dear former T. It's okay you haven't emailed me yet. I want to hear from you and I think you will email me eventually. It hasn't even been a week yet so I just need to be patient. I'm hanging in there while waiting for you to respond. I really do want your input on how things are going with new T and how I can not hurt so much missing you. I know, I know...things I need to talk to new T about. But the trust isn't there yet with new T. You know that right? Miss you. Kit

usually is but there was one time it was super triggering for me

Dear T,
Felt really connected to you today. Not in some sort of sexual or romantic or paternal way, just two people talking and getting each other. Some serious stuff mixed in there, but also some joking and laughter. There just seemed to be an ease and familiarity in the way we were communicating. Maybe in part because we got through the stuff from last session (about seeing your wife's posts on your son) OK? I really thought you were going to ask about that at one point, but you went with the ex-MC thing instead. I think you trust me to bring it up if it's affecting me.

Love,
LT

I told you before I don't like when you and C talk about me.

But I'm not angry.

And that really scares me more than anything.