Would You Choose Attachment?

T and I frequently had this discussion. I never wanted to get to close to anybody for fear of losing them. She told me many times that it is better to have amazing memories and love than being alone. I really didnt believe her.

It has only been through her passing that I "get it". All that we experienced together was worth all the pain now.

I have gotten really, really hurt several times by Ts suddenly leaving me after I formed an intense attachment/had intense maternal transference. I simply can’t let it happen again, it has been incredibly damaging. I already had abandonment issues going into therapy, and now they’re way worse. If I could go back in time, I would keep myself distant from every T I’ve had. I am keeping myself at a distance from current T, somehow. Whenever I feel close or connected to her, I get really upset and then immediately think of ways to push her away.

This is true yes... and I'm glad you pointed out we lose everyone. My T was trying to tell me that some people wont ever leave you, I said that isn't possible.

Anyway, I think it also depends on what type of attachment you generally have. Fearful Avoidant like myself, I get the need/desire for closeness and love but also the need and desire to keep distance and protect myself.

I've only ever really felt close to my dogs and my T. Most people I have managed to keep distance, at least emotionally and it sucks when they leave sometimes but it doesn't cause me a lot of pain, I move on quickly. Do I think it's worth all the pain? for my dog, you bet. He was the light of my life and I would have ended my life without him.... no doubt.... but my T? Idk, I thought my dog was gonna be the worst pain I ever felt but this is way worse, I even told him that. The memories we do have, it's hard to know if it was just him "Acting" or if it was real, if it was acting, then no, there was no point. If it was real, then eh, maybe some of it was worth it... but still given what I know, I'd have fun far away from him a long time ago.

No attachments. I hate being in a one-way relationship. It hurts and its fake at the same time.

I put that I wouldn't want any attachment. Mostly because I'm still getting over the loss of my former T and it hurts so dang much that I can't hardly stand it. I don't want to go through this again. It's incredibly painful. Kit.

I don't see attachment to people as a weakness. What a strange idea. I attach just fine to actual people in my life: my girlfriend, friends, even coworkers. Sometimes they disappoint me yes. But at least those relationships are based on something concrete, not something elusive, a vague "well it's not real but it's also very real" bs and they don't recquire any payment. I don't see attachment to a therapist as anything real and frankly I see it as pointless and painful nonsense. I think therapists who focus on "building a relationship'' and on "transference" have no ****ing clue what they're doing and are playing with fire. They're also in it for themselves.

Me too. Sometimes I feel I'll forever be looking for my ideal mother figure, and so often I look for that in a therapist. And while it can feel so, so good at times, I know how hurtful it can be too. And of course, all good things come to an end. Usually I find that when I get attached in this way to a therapist, it feels like it's never enough... there are fleeting moments that make me feel... warm and fuzzy for lack of a better term... but most of my "interactions" with them is fantasy... daydreaming about them holding me and whatnot. And then I get to the actual next therapy session with them, and I'm disappointed because things that I imagine happening and that I would love to happen, don't actually happen... It almost becomes like an addiction I feel. I want it (the attachment)... I crave it, need it. I really do. But I also know more rationally that it would probably prohibit me from making much meaningful progress in therapy, because I get so caught up in trying to get them to nurture me that it actually makes me want to stay sick in a way, so that I'll continue to have a reason to see them and be coddled by them...