[justbreathe1994]

I had intense maternal “transference” for ex T. While I go back and forth about whether I want that level of connection with my new therapist, at the moment, I really don’t want to experience the pain that comes with feeling intensely connected ever again. With that said, I am wondering if age plays a role for those of you who experience maternal transference with your T? Do you only experience maternal attachment if they are old enough to be your mother? Or do you experience maternal attachment even if they are only say 10 years older than you?

No. Therapy is about our inner life

[Ididitmyway]

To me it did play a role when I was in therapy. All my therapists were much older. Only one of them though was old enough to be a father (about 22 years difference). With other two the difference was 17 years. I guess, biologically one might say it's old enough to be a parent, but realistically no. I had some degree of paternal transference toward two of them. I don't think the transference would be paternal if there was 10 years difference or less. Though looking back I can't judge with certainty because I was very different back then. Right now I wouldn't, actually, see a therapist who is much older than I am. If I were to see a therapist again (which won't happen), I'd go with someone my age since I am 50 already. There is no way I'd have transference to them, especially with all my previous therapy and just life experience. It'd feel much more egalitarian and less oppressive. I'd even work with someone slightly younger, but no younger than 45, if they seem like someone who has lived a little and learned some important life lessons.

[growlycat]

All of my t’s have been older than I am. But current t is closest in age to me and the dynamic feels different. More equalizing and less like an all encompassing parent.

[Echos Myron redux]

When I first sought therapy, I wouldn't have considered anyone under 50. I am now quite curious about what therapy would have been like with someone younger. If I ever needed therapy later in life (after my current T is retired or passed) I would consider trying someone of a different age. Which makes sense because I am sure I will want to get something different out of therapy if I ever were to go again.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

When I first sought therapy, I wouldn't have considered anyone under 50. I am now quite curious about what therapy would have been like with someone younger. If I ever needed therapy later in life (after my current T is retired or passed) I would consider trying someone of a different age. Which makes sense because I am sure I will want to get something different out of therapy if I ever were to go again.

Same here. I started therapy when I was 33. Back then I too wouldn't have considered anyone younger than 45, then the age mark moved up to 50 when I was looking for a new therapist. I still have the same age limit, the only thing that has changed is my age. . Now that I am at the same age mark, those who meet my requirement would be my equals .

Actually, it's not the only thing that has changed. Now, I wouldn't see anyone over 60, but when I was younger I would've agreed to any age over 50. This may seem like ageism, but now therapists, who are 60 and older seem dogmatic to me and, for some reason, this is the age group I now have difficulty relating to whereas 17 years ago I enjoyed socializing with that age group much more than with my own. Of course, I am not generalizing. I understand that there are different people in every group, but there are still certain generational tendencies that apply to many. Also, my preference change has a lot to do with the fact that I have changed a great deal over the years..so, I guess, my needs are different now..

But there is one thing I know for sure. Just like I wouldn't have considered anyone younger than 45 for a therapist many years ago, I still wouldn't consider them now. No one younger than 45 for me, sorry younger therapists . I don't feel like a 30-35 year old person, no matter how insightful, has much to offer me given the different stages of life we both are in.

[nottrustin]

T was 22 years older than me. I really wanted somebody who was older than me and had already experienced my issues. It was really helpful for me.

With Emdr T I wanted somebody older than me but not age of T who was 68 and in my mind going T retire sometime soon. I ended seeing someone 5 years younger than me. U decided it didnt matter her age since I had T still so i didnt need the same guidance. Plus it would be very short term.

In some ways I struggle because she is a totally different place. Her child is 3 mine are 17 and older, her parents are still alive, she has been married 6 years (I have for 24 years). However because of all the work T and I did all that us okay. I an not sure if it would be considered transference but sometimes I am jealous of all she has done in her life. She has done missionary work in another country,, she has lived in different parts if the country doing some amazing work, and well she us a therapist....

[LonesomeTonight]

I had strong paternal transference for my former marriage counselor, and he was only 12 years older than me. So I don’t think it’s necessarily about age. Though he also talked about his kids (teens at the time) a lot, which I think contributed to the transference. Current T is 7 years older with an 11-year-old don, but he doesn’t talk about him much at all. I don’t feel that I have paternal transference for him, he feels more like a contemporary.

[feileacan]

Initially I wanted someone closer to my age. I started therapy when I was 33 and first contacted a T who was 42 or so. He could not see me and referred me to my T who is 30 years older than me. For me that felt very strange, I even remember that I asked him during the initial phone call whether he doesn't think that he is too old for me and I honestly thought that he might be too old to understand the problems of a young woman (whom I considered myself).

But that was my personal bias, due to the almost complete lack of any kind of decent parenting. I had never had any sort of close relationship with anyone who could be age wise considered as my parent. I never even considered relating to anyone who would be considerably older than me because these people are you know old people and what do they know about life and things.

So, for me it was very useful to start working with someone who age wise could be my parent because it over time made me realise that not all older people are so useless as my own biological parents but there are decent and interesting people among them. I do not have this age bias anymore, at least not in such a pronounced degree and that's a clear win for me.

As for transferences, I have mostly perceived my male T as motherly. First, because he can be very motherly and secondly I guess I just needed mothering so much, having never experienced it before. On the other hand, when I was seeing another therapist temporarily few years ago, who was also 30+ years older than me, I perceived him more as fatherly because somehow he just had more fatherly qualities.

I haven't seen any younger T but I guess it would be difficult for me to feel these mother/father longings for someone who would be my age but maybe 10 years age difference would have been enough? I don't know and I guess I never have to find out because I'm pretty sure that when I finish with my T in 4-5 years or so then I'm done and I don't need such intensive therapy anymore.

[Anne2.0]

My T is old enough to be my older brother and I've experienced both paternal and maternal transference (though not at the same time). For me I think it's a caretaking thing, as anyone who takes care of me (this has happened outside the t room too) generates those feelings. They say there's a thing called projection . . . .

[Merope]

I think having a therapist who is definitely old enough to be my dad (21 year difference) really does help fuel the paternal transference I have for him. I don’t think I’d see a T who was much younger than mid 40s, because I like the thought that they are old enough to have experienced some of the things I’m going through AND gain the perspective that comes from enough time passing.

[toomanycats]

I experienced maternal transference for a T who was only slightly older than me AND male... so, I don't know what my brain thinks.

I have strong paternal transference now for my current T, who is my dad's age and also male.

I have never experienced any sort of transference with a female T.

[lucozader]

Like TMC, I had some (negative) maternal transference for my previous T who was male and only about eight years older than me. So no, I don't think age (or gender) necessarily makes much of a difference to these things.

[Elio]

My T is a little more than 5 yrs younger than I am. I concluded that for me, and how I think it works for me, is that she is old enough to be a mother to the part(s) that see her as mommy or mom. I feel young(er) when I am in those head spaces. Then again, I've started questioning how much of what is going on between us is transference and how much is surrogacy. It is clear to me that sometimes I am transferring feelings, behaviors, and implicit memories I have from my childhood onto her and our relationship. Other times it seems that our relationship in this dynamic is organically us (between T, felt as "mommy", and one of my younger selves). Some may think of this as reparenting and maybe it is, I'm not sure. It feels like through these interactions:

• I feel heard, attended to, loved, important, special...
• I get her voice/words to add to the other voices in my head.
• I have a model on how I should interact with my inner self.
• At times, something does feel like it is being filled up rather than just covered up/over.

What I do know is that in those moments, is my feelings are not the same I have for my mother nor coming from/towards my mother. They seem to be from T and towards a mommy object.

btw - for this type of therapy, I do not believe I would see a therapist that was significantly younger than me. When I saw T2 for the few sessions I did, he was much different in how he practiced. I don't think I would ever have seen him as a father figure, though I could easily have seen him as an older brother, which I do with many men that have certain energy even though I am the oldest in my family. I am not sure why many men become older brothers to me and since I don't have one, not sure how transference plays into it. Interesting thing to explore one day.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I don't think the age matters. My T is old enough to be my dad, but I've had several circumstances where the person was not the proper age to really be my dad, yet I had paternal transference. My feelings don't care about age..

[piggy momma]

I’ve always had older therapists. It just seems more right to me personally. I don’t have transference issues with my current T, but I do have major attachment issues (fear of abandonment). I had major major transference issues with my last T. First in a paternal kind of way and then romantic.

[MRT6211]

All of them have been older than me, although most by only about 10-15 years. I still had intense maternal transference for them. I don’t think I could deal with a T that’s younger than me, though. Perhaps that will change with age, since I’m only 24 right now. Right now it’s highly unlikely that I’d ever have a T younger than me, because of timeline with schooling. They’d have to just be starting out or something, and then I wouldn’t want to see someone so inexperienced anyway (bad experience in the past with this).

[starfishing]

I don't think it really matters when it comes to evoking transference of various kinds, no. The therapist's age matters to me in general, but when it comes to transference it's much more of a free-for-all than that. I've had some complicated parental transference with a therapist who was 10 years older than me, and possibly even to a therapist about the same age as me, though the latter case was messy enough that it's hard to tell what really happened there. I've also had times when no parental transference developed in relation to therapists who actually were old enough to be my parents.

[Siennasays]

My T is like...50 years older than me. I don't mind, for the most part. She seems pretty up to date on things. And she can work a cellphone/computer lol. There is the concern of retirement, but I'm hoping to be done with therapy before that happens.
I don't have any transference issues. But, I doubt I would either way.

[GeekyOne]

I have had maternal transference with a T who was only 2-3 years older than me. I have had Ts 5-10 years older than me for whom I had no significant transference.

My current T is 20 years my senior and the transference is much stronger than I’ve had before, but... so is the connection.

Transference is not a rational response, it is an emotional response. Age doesn’t matter, but experience and connection do.

I am 44, like maturity and life experience and believe that these do need some decades to develop. Also, I am a very tech-oriented person both professionally and in my private life. If the T had reasonable basic skills in technology and did not tell me to dump my devices and codes, they would be fine at any age.

[SalingerEsme]

My T is exactly the same age as me, and I really like that. We share that card-carrying Gen Xer cultural touchstone with a light irony, and had many of the same experiences in our twenties.

[Raging Quiet]

For me, it did matter.

My ex T was in her maybe mid 70’s and I used to feel guilty weighing her down (essentially a pensioner) with my mid 20’s recklessness.

[TheSeaCat]

It matters to me; I have seen two younger T's and one older T who was probably in her 60's.

My first T was in her 30's and super easy to talk to; unfortunately due to circumstance I had to terminate our relationship; but I really did like her a lot; in fact some days I kind of miss her.

The next T was the 60 year old who didn't do one assessment and since I didn't have the sort of trauma she liked; she personally couldn't help me and said I didn't need therapy but instead a good Pdoc.

The next T is 27 and only has a bachelor's degree but is in medical school to become a pdoc. I see him like a brother; he's very easy to talk to and super helpful.

Based on my own personal experiences I prefer younger than 40; since that one T did leave such a bad taste in my mouth.