So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

This is very close to how I see it as well. When I was young, I was very much into trying to figure out meaning on all sorts of levels and looking at everything I can come across including many philosophies and spiritual systems. I was particularly a big fan of existentialism, which basically addresses the same questions and concludes in complex ways what stopdog summarized very well above. For me, a lot of the self-imposed pressure eased when I realized that it may be better to give up all (or at least some) of that compulsive, often abstract seeking and focusing more of creating a life that is reasonably satisfying for me on different levels, from basic survival needs to the "higher realms", and engage in it actively. I like the ideas in Maslow's Pyramid very much in this sense. Simply following abstract, philosophical motives (that I was so prone to when younger) or waiting for positive mood states to do something would never be enough.

The other side is the conditional part - depression, for example, can make all of this very complicated and, for those of us that are prone to even lower grade depression or existential angst, being in those states can really color the entire reality. But those are physiological states that cause symptoms, much like someone who has diabetes, for example, and is experiencing and hyper- or hypoglycemic states with all the discomfort and sometimes life-threatening dysregulation. What has helped me tremendously is learning to recognize when my momentary feelings, motivations, perspectives etc are clouded by those fluctuations in my brain and body chemistry. It can sometimes still be quite challenging to recognize this without doubt since the physiological state is what often generates the feelings of anxiety, low mood, sadness, and also sometimes the particularly elevated, happy states (for the latter, just think about how people use drugs to alter their mood by changing the chemistry!). I became quite good at recognizing what comes from benign physiological fluctuations (and can be ignored as they will pass) and what are more persistent, recurring, disruptive states that need to be address, potentially by making serious lifestyle changes and modifying the things I choose to engage in.

For me, there is also that I have a pretty strong novelty seeking temperament, so repetitions can be frustrating and exploring new things tends to be highly rewarding and mood-enhancing for me. But none of them will last forever - typically I find new things super engaging for several months or sometimes years, then it dissipates. But at this point of my life, I can't just blow many things that I created and took complex responsibilities for - well, I could, but that would not click well with my conscience. So many of the daily tasks are, by definition, boring and more like a chore, including dealing with the same people and activities I don't find very stimulating. I guess there is no other way around it but learning to still do it no matter what. It is an ongoing struggle for me that I just need to accept. Engaging even when I don't feel initially inspired or don't think it will be meaningful can sometimes brings unexpected levels of motivation and sense of meaning on the go, so the trick is to start doing things even if I feel zero inspiration. But it is also important to always have a bunch of things in my life that feel interesting and pleasurable enough - I can use those as the anticipated rewards of dealing with the daunting, boring stuff. All of this involves a lot of self-awareness, assessing situations and strategy. Waiting for things or states that will magically provide stable meaning and inspiration would be a very futile, sterile approach for me and would lead to nothing else but laziness and then accumulating anxiety and self-flagellation about it. Have been there many times.

I often like to view dealing with life as some sort of creative project - no one else and nothing else will make the visions in my head happen but me. And there will always be both creative blocks and moments of joy coming from both the process of engagement and occasional really satisfying discoveries and products. But, just like life on its own, most of these will not last very long.

as tolerable (and thoughtful ) a definition of adulting as i guess i'll ever see.

I sympathize with staying away from psych medications driven by a fear of gaining weight. I don't gain particularly easily and have been slim in my whole adult life but was overweight as a young kid and that led to many years of ordeal, including an eating disorder that was very hard to resolve and some of the mental consequences will just never go away, I think. I have a few rationalizations for not using meds and one is definitely the potential effects on weight. It is true that not all antidepressant meds and mood stabilizers have that side effect and not on everyone, and I know my fears are exaggerated, but I understand it because I have similar and have not been able to overcome it so far.

Something else about keeping inspiration up for me is associating myself with curious, motivated, well-adjusted and generally positive people. I have a tendency for this automatically (I think coming from my experience with my dad) but I do need to keep an eye on my choices when I have a more low or challenging period because I have a strong tendency to seek out the company of what I perceive as similar people. Consequently, I tend to choose more insecure, imbalanced, critical, irresponsible, extreme etc individuals when I am not doing well momentarily. Why? Because it is easier to vent, commiserate and not do anything to fix the problems. I am very aware of this now and can consciously say 'no' to those for the most part but still at times find myself engaging in ways that do not serve me well - luckily at this point it never lasts long and those individuals get highly aversive quickly. I see similar tendencies in many other people as well who have good basic morals but struggle with anxiety and depression - they can be quite sensitive to environment, including other people. In that sense, positive and inspiring choices for company can help a lot especially if one has to engage in challenging interpersonal exchanges e.g. in work, family etc. I guess some people keep a therapist for this purpose.

Thank you for sharing your experience Artley. A very thoughtful post.

I would agree that for the most part, because life isn't all that great- life is just a random series of trials and bad experiences (that differs for everyone), then, you're gone.

I certainly don't agree with, "life is what you make it", if life was what you made it, then surely it would all just be sunshine and rainbows (because after all,, no one wants to deal with grief, or pain, or illness, what ever)

I also think life's unfair because even if you are living a good life, with a good paying job and family and kids, etc etc, it all stops and is all taken away from you eventually.

life doesn't care if you work for mcdonalds or if you're the president of the united states, it's unfair to all of us.

and I do think (strongly think), that death is going to be a lot better

The first and only time I truly wanted to die and attempted to end my life, I was a teen. I was "forced" into therapy by my parents and I hated the T instantly, I only went to 3 sessions and took nothing from it.
I became very very depressed and isolated. Constantly talked about wishing I wasn't alive anymore. It angered my mom.

Anyway, what was great about it? Well, I decided to get a dog. At the time, I didn't see how on earth it would change my life, but it did. He was literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I credit him for me being alive today. From the day I got him, my desire to care for him took over, I suddenly felt like I had a purpose.

I had him for 15 and a half amazing years. He was my everything. I made him a huge memorial garden in the yard and a memorial in my bedroom. I talk about him constantly and think of him every day. We had so many adventures and fun times, even when my life in general sucked, and I would have missed all of that if I ended it all.

My life isn't great, It's boring mostly. Most of my friends are online or in other states/countries. I hate my job. I still hate my family. I have my other dog though and he has been a great comfort since the other passed. Somehow I relate better to animals than people. I think sometimes, life REALLY sucks and I still wish I was gone, but then I am like "But there is so many cute dogs out there I haven't met yet" and another odd thing that has kept me alive is my passion for a few TV shows.... I like only a few but I like them a lot, some have ended but some have not, and those who have not, I think, if I took my life, I'd never see what happens here.

I know I'm a good person and maybe some people have been impacted by meeting me. I have no idea... I just know that life isn't GREAT, it never has been, but there are moments that are, animals that are and rarely---people that are, I'd experience none of that had I took my life many years ago