[Macd123]

Sorry to burst your bubble but I’ve been doing therapy for a hundred years and I’m still alone and angry. Paid a million dollars over the years to have people listen to my rants but I never thought I actually had a friend. Therapy is weird because you get so comfortable and you think the person you’re talking to really cares - they don’t...... The problem is they’re aren’t really there for you, i.e., you can’t ask them to coffee or to go on vacation with you - it’s all fantasy. One thing they have been good for is medication - can’t prescribe meds to myself so I need a shrink. This I’m thankful for (I think). Anyway I haven’t posted in a while and this topic has always bothered me...... thing is I keep going back. I always had such a thin rope to grab onto socially - therapy is my fix......thanks

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Macd123 From what I know, therapists aren't really supposed to be your friends, although sometimes it can happen. They're there to listen and help you, and give you some coping skills so that you can deal with life. They can offer advice precisely because they're strangers, and won't judge your personal choices. So maybe it's all a matter of looking for different things? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I agree. Not only are they not your friend, some of them set out to destroy their client!! It happened to me. Believe it.

You are correct. Therapists aren't friends. Professionally, it's impossible. Ethically, it's impossible. Sorry you're feeling so alone, though. Edit: therapy is there to help you and give you tools to overcome your own barriers to making friends outside of therapy. It's not all on the therapist, the client has to have insight and be willing. Again, sorry you're feeling so down. I hope you feel better.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. Most certainly therapists aren’t your friends (they could be, just not YOUR therapists).

But it doesn’t mean they don’t care. By this logic all of us in helping professions: teachers, doctors, nurses etc should take all our students/ patients etc with us on vacations or sit in coffee shops with them all day meeting them all for coffee. It makes no sense but it doesn’t mean we don’t care!

Ton of people on PC (and there is a therapy forum on here) and perhaps other forums complain that because they can’t invite therapists to birthday parties or visit them in their houses or in extreme cases can’t have romantic encounter with them, then it means therapy is bogus. I think people sometimes go to therapy with wrong idea that they will make a friend or romantic partner, rather then get professional help ( not saying you do).

I am sorry you are in pain and hope you get better soon

[luvyrself]

The endlessly Frustrating desire of wanting the therapist to be their friend is a common theme here. The tendency to want to be too close to a therapist or doc is called transference and I don’t know why so few people know about this. They are not supposed to be our friends because then they would lose their objectivity,meaning the therapy could be impacted in a very bad way. The t might let you off easy on some unwise behavior etc etc. I laugh a lot w my therapist, but we don’t blur the roles, I think.

Of course a T isn't a friend.
I'm not much into friends.

[Taylor27]

Hugs, i know my t isn't my friend. It sucks at times, however he is there to help me with my problems. Hugs

I get a sense that most people here who discuss transference feelings know their T is not their friend.

Discussion of these types of feelings is often a component of psychodynamic therapy rather than an indication that one has unrealistic expectations of friendship while in therapy.

Other times, I noticed it's the T, rather than the client, who treats the therapy relationship more like a friendship.

So you may not be bursting as many bubbles as you think. (or are you thinking about your own situation?)

I'm sorry that you are alone and angry.

[Salmon77]

Of course my therapist is not my friend. I wouldn't tell my friends half the things I tell my therapist.

[piggy momma]

If your T is treating your sessions as a friendship gathering, it’s time for a new T. Your T can’t be a paid friend. Plain and simple. I’m not paying $200/hr for my T to be my friend. I’m paying his for his knowledge and training to help me change my life.

A good T will not let every session be all fun and games. It’s ok to occasionally have a light session but you are there to work and make your T work. If you are trying to dodge the work or just have tea with your T, you’re not ready for therapy.

And no, you can’t be friends when therapy is over. There is still a line that cannot be crossed. If you don’t want the heartbreak, don’t do therapy.

Macd123 I'm so sorry you're struggling

[Lrad123]

I wish I could remember the details but someone on another recent post wrote something about how you are the tomato plant and the therapist is the water or the dirt or whatever. The point is that you are not equal, but complementary.

[stopdog]

I had no desire to be friends with either of the two I hired this time, although I did have a friendship with the first one I ever hired. We shared a hobby. It was just a usual friendship and did not end in disaster, heartbreak, or ruin.

[ArtleyWilkins]

No, therapists are professionals we hire for a variety of reasons, and if one hires a therapist to be their friend they will hopefully be disappointed because a therapist who tries to fill that role is most likely practicing unethically, unboundaried, and unprofessionally. Who hires a friend? That just doesn't make sense.

That said, therapists do care (at least most of them - I'm sure there are exceptions as in all things). Professionals who are teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, police officers, social workers, etc. generally care about the individuals they are working with. They care about them within the framework of their responsibility in their profession. And it is genuine caring. The fallacy is when people think all caring looks exactly the same; it doesn't. Even in our personal relationships, caring for a parent looks different from caring for a spouse, which looks different than caring for a child, which looks different than caring for a friend, etc. Obviously, caring in therapy has its own unique framework that can't be defined as friend or parent or lover, etc. It is the therapy relationship and stands defined within its own context.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I wish I could remember the details but someone on another recent post wrote something about how you are the tomato plant and the therapist is the water or the dirt or whatever. The point is that you are not equal, but complementary.

The therapist is the fertilizer...

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I wish I could remember the details but someone on another recent post wrote something about how you are the tomato plant and the therapist is the water or the dirt or whatever. The point is that you are not equal, but complementary.

I would say the parties are equal. The exchange is different. The therapist is no better/smarter/pulled together/in touch with their own life than the client.

[growlycat]

I’m not a fool. I know you aren’t supposed to friends with your therapist. I know what transference is. I did not go into therapy seeking a friend. I’ve been seeing therapists for a very long time and yes I have improved over the years.

My current t relationship is professional but we have discussed the potential for friendship afterwards. This hasn’t happened to me before and I don’t it will lead to disaster if I keep
my expectations in check and I don’t rely on it as my sole social contact.
I know people are trying to be helpful and I appreciate it can just feel patronizing to say it never works out

Originally Posted by unaluna

The therapist is the fertilizer...

Wait. Isn't fertilizer often made from...manure (aka ****)?

Originally Posted by octoberful

Wait. Isn't fertilizer often made from...manure (aka ****)?

That would fit my first T. Manure that had not matured very much

[Rive1976]

Amen to this!

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Of course my therapist is not my friend. I wouldn't tell my friends half the things I tell my therapist.

Amen!!!!

[downandlonely]

Yes, most of my friends don't know about my depression. It's not something I'm always comfortable disclosing.

[satsuma]

No, the therapist is not a paid friend. If someone struggles socially and doesn't have many or any friends then I think hopefully the therapist, and the therapy with the client as a collaborative effort, would try to address that, because it's generally important and life-enhancing to have friends in one's life. I suppose it depends on the individual circumstances, as everything does. For example if someone was very suicidal or SHing a great deal or not managing basic self care like not eating each day, then I suppose those things need to be addressed urgently and the person needs some basic stability first, whereas making and keeping friends would be more of a long-term goal.
I also imagine that the 'how' of how to address a lack of friends in ones life through therapy really depends on the individual client and therapists and most of all on the 'why'. Knowing why the difficulties are there, and then figuring out how to address them through therapy.

[Rive1976]

I also think in general they dont even really care about us. Its just a job. I cant think of one therapist I really think cared for me and I have been to many. Maybe my old one I saw for 8 years but even with her she said some hurtful things so idk. Im not trying to be a debbie downer just being real.