[Echos Myron redux]

I hate breaks. Hate them. I thrive on my routine. I miss the routine of driving to my therapist's house on the same route each Wednesday almost as much as I miss the man himself. But God do I miss him. I miss his eyes and his manner, and his unparalleled understanding of who I am.

Of course, this aching emptiness is not for him but for the long-forgotten fear and loneliness of my infancy, I'm sure. But knowing that it is transference, knowing I'm not truly longing for him, doesn't make it feel less empty and painful right here, right now.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I just wish to express it. I don't want this thread to become a platform for any debate about whether or not therapy is useful. I most certainly find it helpful and I have grown immeasurably since I met him, so for a more general debate please start your own thread. I just want to express my sadness in this moment. My sadness that I am his job and that he is not my father, or friend or life partner, while still knowing that if he were, he would be no more special a presence in my life than those already in it. It's a weird paradox.

[Elio]

I'm not sure what words to share that would be helpful. I can relate to your post on many levels. Take care.

Hugs, echos.

That unparalleled understanding of who you are - I think that's what I miss the most since L and I ended 3 weeks ago. Thank you for putting that into words.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Me too. I can relate to my T's upcoming leave. It reminds me that I'm just a client, she's not my friend, she doesn't love me (she said so herself), that she makes money off of me, and that I can be replaced. It sucks to have someone so important in your life, but you don't mean as much to them.

But you're right. If they were just a friend, they probably wouldn't have the significance as they do now. There's something special about the therapeutic relationship.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

I hate breaks. Hate them. I thrive on my routine. I miss the routine of driving to my therapist's house on the same route each Wednesday almost as much as I miss the man himself. But God do I miss him. I miss his eyes and his manner, and his unparalleled understanding of who I am.

Of course, this aching emptiness is not for him but for the long-forgotten fear and loneliness of my infancy, I'm sure. But knowing that it is transference, knowing I'm not truly longing for him, doesn't make it feel less empty and painful right here, right now.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I just wish to express it. I don't want this thread to become a platform for any debate about whether or not therapy is useful. I most certainly find it helpful and I have grown immeasurably since I met him, so for a more general debate please start your own thread. I just want to express my sadness in this moment. My sadness that I am his job and that he is not my father, or friend or life partner, while still knowing that if he were, he would be no more special a presence in my life than those already in it. It's a weird paradox.

I feel kindred to this today. I am homesick for my T and for the safe space. This is by far the longest we have gone since beginning therapy 3 years ago, and my object constancy isn't the strongest. I too grieve the paradox- he is special bc he is my T, but bc he is my T I can rarely be with him . If we were together, he would no longer have that heightened significance, but the heightened significance keeps my attention riveted . I have thought of him often today, and there is a good chance he hasn't thought of me once.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

my object constancy isn't the strongest.

Same, when it comes to T anyway. This is one of the reasons I feel so sure my feelings for him have strong links to infancy. I emailed him on Wednesday and told him not to email me back. Adult Echos feels like he shouldn't have to email me on his break so that's the right course of action. Infant Echos sees his lack of response as proof he doesn't exist.

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS Echos

[Out There]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Same, when it comes to T anyway. This is one of the reasons I feel so sure my feelings for him have strong links to infancy. I emailed him on Wednesday and told him not to email me back. Adult Echos feels like he shouldn't have to email me on his break so that's the right course of action. Infant Echos sees his lack of response as proof he doesn't exist.

Hugs Echos , this is so painful and does come from when we are small. From my recent experience , I found little Out There totally traumatized and not speaking because something had been taken away from her , just like that. And our little selves don't rationalise of course. Please be kind to yourself and comfort little Echos in whatever way she needs. Healing those wounds from childhood is very difficult work.

Have you emailed him yet to cancel all future sessions? What follows the aching emptiness? Juvenile and petulant rejection of the care which is unconditionally provided!! Oh bravo to everyone who knows this pain. I have a draft email in my account as we speak, just waiting for me to get trigger happy!

[circlesincircles]

Sometimes I wonder if the ache will ever abate. And then it does, at least for a bit, and I breathe, and carry on. But it’s persistent as f*** sometimes. Sending warmth and kindness. I appreciate your sharing.

[kecanoe]

Hugs, and I also feel an aching emptiness when my T is gone. I guess all I have to offer is that you are not the only one.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SorryOozit

Have you emailed him yet to cancel all future sessions? What follows the aching emptiness? Juvenile and petulant rejection of the care which is unconditionally provided!! Oh bravo to everyone who knows this pain. I have a draft email in my account as we speak, just waiting for me to get trigger happy!

This is the route I have tended to take, not just during holidays, but simply during the one week break between our sessions when I feel he has left me alone with intense emotions that were stirred up during our last session. Typically I just cancel one session at a time. It has not generally made me feel better except in the brief moment when I write the email and press the “send” button, so I’m trying not to do this any more. We’ll see if I can do it. I do love the “ juvenile and petulant rejection of the care which is unconditionally provided.” That’s exactly what it is, isn’t it?

[Out There]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I didn’t experience this as not nice. I thought of it as a genuine expression of the way that they experience and react to the “aching emptiness” that many of us feel. It’s not pretty, but has tended to be my reaction too, as maladaptive as it may be.

I deleted that post , I feel the pain that a child feels should be treated more sensitively when it is expressed , or it becomes compounded that it's not OK to express or feel it. This approach is not for me , but if others are OK with it , each to their own. Not trying to derail your thread Echos , which is why I deleted the post.

Originally Posted by Out There

I deleted that post , I feel the pain that a child feels should be treated more sensitively when it is expressed , or it becomes compounded that it's not OK to express or feel it. This approach is not for me , but if others are OK with it , each to their own. Not trying to derail your thread Echos , which is why I deleted the post.

Were you objecting to my post?

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by SorryOozit

Have you emailed him yet to cancel all future sessions?

No, and although I fantasise about it from time to time, my fear of being permanently cast aside is so strong that I could never bring myself to do it. The closest I have come is to say I "might not" be there and he has responded by saying he would hold the slot open for me until he hears otherwise. The lovely *******.

Originally Posted by SorryOozit

What follows the aching emptiness? Juvenile and petulant rejection of the care which is unconditionally provided!!

What usually follows for me is a perpetual falling in love with the feeling of unconditional care and the man providing it.

[Taylor27]

Hugs Echos my therapist is on a 4 week holiday first time for him to be away this time of year. I can hardly wait til he comes back i have allot to talk to him about. It's so hard. I can relate allot to the aching empty feeling Hugs

Maybe it's just aching. Not empty.

[Echos Myron redux]

Sure feels empty to me.

[Anne2.0]

"Aching emptiness" just gave me a little shiver of pleasure-- not for your pain, but for the memory of what it's like to feel that way. My internal world for a long time was like an emotional desert, I was pretty numb, it was functional at the time for my workaholic self finishing my graduate education. Then I learned to start feeling, and that was pretty horrible and dysfunctional for awhile, until I could settle into it and ride with it to a place where it wasn't overwhelming. Maybe it's age, maybe it's going through big grief, maybe it's this round of therapy, but now feeling these historical feelings is like attending a kind of homecoming. If I'm lucky, it's on that invisible edge of pleasure and pain like a massage that is stretching and loosening, hurting until I'm about to say enough, then it shifts into a tiny bliss.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Then I learned to start feeling, and that was pretty horrible and dysfunctional for awhile, until I could settle into it and ride with it to a place where it wasn't overwhelming

Last week I told my therapist, “Sometimes I feel worse than when I started therapy,” and his reply was, “Yes, you feel.” So maybe I’m in a dysfunctional place right now, but I’m holding out hope that it will get better. Right now that “aching emptiness” for me can turn into anger and frustration at being left alone to feel these things that don’t make sense. For Echos, it seems to turn to a deep, profound love for her T which I find fascinating because it’s different than my experience. Here’s to hoping it will eventually become less overwhelming for all of us.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Here’s to hoping it will eventually become less overwhelming for all of us.

Our brains are built for resolution, and I am not the only one who has gone from overwhelming to less overwhelming, although I don't think all of it is due to therapy, at least some of it is. I don't think I'm special and I think it's possible for anyone, and it happened because I figured out what worked for me.

If you've ever done any long distance or intense physical event, there's a breakthrough point where it stops being so hard and you feel like you can (in my case swim) forever. That's what it seemed like for me at multiple points in this process, although process is hard for me to wrap my head around until I'm through it.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Last week I told my therapist, “Sometimes I feel worse than when I started therapy,” and his reply was, “Yes, you feel.” So maybe I’m in a dysfunctional place right now, but I’m holding out hope that it will get better. Right now that “aching emptiness” for me can turn into anger and frustration at being left alone to feel these things that don’t make sense. For Echos, it seems to turn to a deep, profound love for her T which I find fascinating because it’s different than my experience. Here’s to hoping it will eventually become less overwhelming for all of us.

Me too! I mean same as you. I would prefer the profound love

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

I would prefer the profound love

I bet the profound love is hard too, though. Because you can’t actually have it, at least not in the way you want it. That’s probably part of the reason I jump directly to anger and frustration. It’s a big Catch-22.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I bet the profound love is hard too, though. Because you can’t actually have it, at least not in the way you want it. That’s probably part of the reason I jump directly to anger and frustration. It’s a big Catch-22.

Yeah. You are right. I've got the profound love for my doc and it's hard. V hard when they start to try and get you to fly. Am like nooooooooo. Keep me in the nest.

[seeker33]

Hugs, I feel your pain. You're not alone. This situation is one of the most painful stuff that's a part of therapy. Absolutely miserable part.