[LabRat27]

(This is very long, so I apologize in advance, and feel free to skip it)

I'm posting this here because it's related to therapy and I would normally talk to my therapist about it but I have to wait until Thursday and I have so much to talk to him about.
I'm kind of proud of myself. I've internalized a lot of my mother's rejection of self compassion or vulnerability. This was as much about me standing up and saying it to myself as it was about saying it to her

I was talking to my mom about the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" that is eerily accurate in its depiction of the custody battle during my childhood. A large part of it was about not being believed, my father alleging "parent alienation syndrome," everyone believing my mother was brainwashing the kids against him, etc.

Me: I ask my therapist whether he believes me. A lot.
Mom: After I complain a bit, I feel like I should stop, suck it up and get over it.
Me: I tell my therapist the same thing and he seems to disagree 🤔
Mom: I think you/we need someone to push us into plumbing the depths of it. Otherwise, we will minimize it. And then feel like weaklings.
Me: Lol what do you think I've been doing in therapy?
Mom: Yeah, I need a therapist like yours.
Me: Hahaha no you would hate him
Mom: Why?
Me: Just the stuff you'd think was stupid
Mom: Okay, well I need one who would do for me what yours is doing for you. Mine has retired, by the way. Haven't gotten up the energy to look for a new one yet.
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Me: He asks me to do things like write compassionate statements about myself and read them aloud
Mom: Ooh! I would barf!
Me: Yeah, I know
And it's really hard for me to not internalize that
Mom: 😢
Me: Because that disdain for such things was also deeply ingrained
And I keep waiting for him to laugh at me
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A bit later, what I sent to her:

Something to consider: when you say "I would barf!"
Do you not believe that the evidence has shown over and over again that such exercises are helpful?
Do you believe that you would be the exception?
Or would you be unwilling to do it even though it would be helpful because it would make you uncomfortable?

You're not going to find a good therapist who will work through this stuff with you who won't try to get you to do those kinds of things.
You can't find a therapist who'll do it your way. If your way worked then you wouldn't need a therapist.

Sometimes the actual strength and bravery is being willing to do it anyway, even if it makes you really really uncomfortable. Think about why it feels so uncomfortable. Think about why you're judging it so harshly. Think about why you're so unwilling to even try it.
I'm not grandma [who is constantly pushing "holistic" "naturopathic" treatments on my mom]. I'm not saying give anything a chance. I'm saying there is an incredibly large body of research by psychologists studying how to help people

How do you feel about students who want to get an A in calculus without having to learn to think? [my mother is a retired math prof]
They think they should just be able to memorize enough that they won't have to think. They want to just be given the formulas.
Are they going to find a good calculus instructor who can truly teach them calculus if they turn up their nose at the idea of thinking conceptually?

Not being willing to do stuff like self compassion doesn't make you smarter or more logical or better.
It makes you stubborn and unwilling to put aside your personal discomfort.
I'm saying this with love because I have spent a really ****ing long time in therapy trying to accept this. And I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but a lot of it is trying to un-internalize the voice in my head that tells me how stupid you would think it was. And that you would think less of me for truly sincerely trying it.
Because even if you don't want to admit it, even if it's not intentional, I know on some level you will think less of me when I tell you this.
I wrote what my therapist called "an empowerment letter."
It took me several months to write it.
Several more weeks to let him read it.
And another month or two before I was able to read it out loud. And I was waiting for him to laugh at me.
But instead he was sincerely proud and genuine.
And I know you'll cringe at this.
Part of my therapy has been learning that sometimes doing the really uncomfortable thing is the stronger and braver thing.

And you may say it's just not who you are on some fundamental level, but that's a bull**** excuse. Some people may be more or less inclined towards this stuff but it's learned and practiced.

I'm not saying you have to hold hands in a circle and sing about love and compassion.
But you're not the exception.
If you have to rationalize it to yourself based on the evidence, then do it.

If/when I do share this with my therapist he's going to be way too happy about it...

[unaluna]

The note afterwards is like a psychotherapy manifesto.

The conversation with your mom was not bad. I kept waiting for a really horrible gotcha, but i felt it never came. Overall very hopeful.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by unaluna

The note afterwards is like a psychotherapy manifesto.

The conversation with your mom was not bad. I kept waiting for a really horrible gotcha, but i felt it never came. Overall very hopeful.

I have told him "don't smile" quite a few times

That's the thing. My therapist wants me to let myself be angry at my mom but she really does try and she is a good and understanding and compassionate person.
In other parts there was some defensiveness, like focusing on how difficult the situation she was in was, as if she had no choice. That's frustrating for me, because, yes, I know she was hurting and traumatized, and that doesn't mean she wasn't responsible for her actions and how they affected her children.
Her focus is on how my father hurt both of us, but she doesn't fully acknowledge how her actions in response to my father also hurt me, or at least minimizes her own agency in the situation.

[unaluna]

Letting yourself be angry is like identifying the colors in a painting. Naming them doesnt change them, doesnt make the sky more or less blue. It doesnt change what actually happened, if you are mad or not. Not sure what im trying to get at!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

That conversation and the message after are powerful and brave, both of you.

[susannahsays]

Wow, good for you!

[sarahsweets]

That was very powerful.

[stopdog]

I think it is great to say what is helping you and telling your mom not to diminish what you are finding to be good for you - I don't think telling your mother she is wrong about what she would find useful/ is great.
I really don't think the things that are helping you would help everyone - evidence based or not (and I don't believe in their biased testing to begin with -so there is that). And sometimes it is such that one will try something if presented in a way they can understand it versus how an approach works for someone else.
If I was told to write an empowerment letter I would tell the therapist to F off. I tried it once and it did not help me at all and I found the language/ attitude of the therapist quite patronizing.
That language would not be useful to me. But a similar sort of activity might be useful if presented to me in different language.