[justbreathe1994]

Would you ask your T for reassurances (if you wanted them)? Reassurances can be anything, from interpersonal (asking your T if they care about you, want to work with you, we will fight this, etc) or more about the human experience overall (it gets better, you will fight this, etc).

My last T gave me reassurance all the time but our therapy became so focused on the relationship that I don’t know if that was even normal or not.

Anyhow, I miss the reassurances... I miss not feeling so alone.

[Elio]

I am sorry you are feeling so alone at the moment. It hurts.

Yes, I like specific types of reassurances. There are a few times where what is said or done doesn't feel like reassurances. In general, I like them and I ask for them in different ways. I don't always get them, which sometimes suck. I do get them in the way that T feels she can give them. I have talked with my T about reassurances that do not reassure so I know that plays into her decision on when and what type of reassurances she is willing to give.

[growlycat]

I would ask with current t and probably other ts. It would have been harder with others in my past because a yes to reassurance would not be guaranteed. Even a possible no. Somehow to me asking for help getting a need met and getting rejected feels worse than never asking at all.

[Salmon77]

No, my T has specifically said that he will not give reassurance. Questions like:

asking your T if they care about you, want to work with you, we will fight this, etc

sound to me like they come from insecurity, and getting a positive answer to these questions might feel good for a little while but it doesn't do anything for the insecurity. It's like taking painkillers for a broken bone, it helps temporarily but if you don't fix the bone you've still got a big problem and now maybe you're addicted to painkillers.

I'm sorry that you feel alone, I know that's really painful. But reassurance from a T is probably not going to solve that problem.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I don't think my therapists would have played into the reassurances such as "Do you care about me?" or "I will always be there for you" or "I want to work with you" kind of thing, but I wasn't one to ask for those kinds of reassurances.

I didn't really need reassurances about our working relationship.

I needed reassurances about survival.

I know my therapist reassured me that I wouldn't always feel the way I was feeling (my depression level was debilitating at times). My psychiatrist reassured me (and this is the one that meant the most to me) that he would find a treatment that would improve things for me over where I was at the time. He really listened to my needs and worked WITH me to find effective solutions. I saw a determination in him that day that gave me hope at a time when it was desperately needed.

I think it would be helpful to have a conversation about your desire for reassurances. But I think you can slide into dependency if you are expecting them. The best thing is for you to grow and learn to reassure yourself. It's hard. But with time, and hard work, you can get there. I did. And I was a mess for a long time.

[Seelenna1982]

My T gives them out all over the place, I think she’s trying to grow the therapeutic relationship and persuade me to trust her. But reassuring words, encouragement and complements make me uncomfortable and wary. My head (not my speech) either thinks to counteract the comment or will begin to thing “why are you saying those words, you don’t have to say that”

That being said... perhaps I’d be feeling worried if she didn’t do this and I began thinking I might ‘want’ to hear those reassurances. I’d likely be equally disturbed because I don’t like to want things.

[Elio]

Based on another thread, here is my universal disclaimer: Everything posted below are my thoughts and my take on these concepts, I respect that others have other takes. I am not trying to say it is the only way to see things or the right way to see things. I reserve the right for my views to change as I change, learn, and grow or maybe even the time of day. (they are not the viewpoint of .... )

Originally Posted by Salmon77

sound to me like they come from insecurity, and getting a positive answer to these questions might feel good for a little while but it doesn't do anything for the insecurity. It's like taking painkillers for a broken bone, it helps temporarily but if you don't fix the bone you've still got a big problem and now maybe you're addicted to painkillers.

I'm sorry that you feel alone, I know that's really painful. But reassurance from a T is probably not going to solve that problem.

It is a fine line, and like in your example, for a while you might need those painkillers while the bones heal. So, no the reassurances won't solve the problem, they might be needed while the psyche heals and the mind learns/is retrained in how to do this for itself.

Originally Posted by idonotwanttohaveone

I think it would be helpful to have a conversation about your desire for reassurances. But I think you can slide into dependency if you are expecting them. The best thing is for you to grow and learn to reassure yourself. It's hard. But with time, and hard work, you can get there. I did. And I was a mess for a long time.

I think getting there is the goal for most and I do agree that talking about it with one's T and being aware of the possibility around dependency with reassurances. I know for me, some of the reassurances is learning how to talk to myself in a reassuring way, what words to use, what tone and inflection and such is reassuring for me, what will it take for me to believe me?

Another thing hearing reassurances from my T provides is it helps internalize her, adding her voice to my inner world, and possibly overriding the record that was laid by the adults in my life when I was a child.

And being able to talk about it with T helps me in learning what is reassurance, what is going on for me when I have the feeling/need to be reassured, what is it that I really need or didn't get that has led to the insecurity or whatever that has me asking for reassurances.

What helped you get to where you were able to rely more on yourself for these types of reassurances?

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I know my therapist reassured me that I wouldn't always feel the way I was feeling (my depression level was debilitating at times). My psychiatrist reassured me (and this is the one that meant the most to me) that he would find a treatment that would improve things for me over where I was at the time. He really listened to my needs and worked WITH me to find effective solutions. I saw a determination in him that day that gave me hope at a time when it was desperately needed.

Yes. Thank you for these examples. Another thing that came to mind when I was reading through these posts, is the general concept of reassurance and what that means to different people. Needing/asking for reassurance of something is not a bad thing in general. Neither is having a level of dependency on other people. Both of these things are good things, bonding things, and part of the connection we have with other people.

I guess to some degree, I see the different types of reassurances based on a developmental track. From the time we are born we are constantly seeking reassurances that our needs will be met. In theory as we grow, we learn we can meet more and more of our own needs; however, not everyone gets what they need when they need it to move along that track smoothly enough. So maybe some of reassurances at the "do you care about me", "do you love me" level come from earlier stages of development (maybe this is what T's call ego development, I'm not sure). And no we are not infants, that does not mean that some of us would not benefit from having that level of reassurances and allowed to move away from it as we fill in gaps.

I also think what reassurances look like develop as we develop - for example a reassurance of love and caring from a best friend might look like:

1. randomly asking of we are ok and getting that answer (so maybe this comes from an early level of development).
   
2. maybe it looks like them saying something like, I'll go with you to your mom's funeral and then you can come back here for the night (and maybe this comes from an older level of development)

And the difference is simply on if/how the receiving person is able to see/associate the reassuring statement/actions as a sign of caring and love.

[LonesomeTonight]

I used to ask with ex-marriage counselor, and he would generally reassure me even though he'd say "I shouldn't keep reassuring you." Current T seemed reluctant to do so at first, but it seems over the past 6 months or so he's realized how insecure and afraid of abandonment I can be, so he's been much more open to giving reassurance. Like one email a few months ago, he closed with "Reminder: "I'm not going anywhere. You're not 'too much' and I intend to bear with you" (reflecting something I'd said in the email). Which meant a lot to me. Yesterday I asked him about a particular fear that he might want to change the focus of his job, to a demographic that would not include me, and he was very reassuring about that. I think he realizes now that if I don't feel safe and secure with him, I can't do the work.

[stopdog]

I never found the attempts by the therapist to be reassuring. Why would I believe a therapist of all people?

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I used to ask with ex-marriage counselor, and he would generally reassure me even though he'd say "I shouldn't keep reassuring you." Current T seemed reluctant to do so at first, but it seems over the past 6 months or so he's realized how insecure and afraid of abandonment I can be, so he's been much more open to giving reassurance. Like one email a few months ago, he closed with "Reminder: "I'm not going anywhere. You're not 'too much' and I intend to bear with you" (reflecting something I'd said in the email). Which meant a lot to me. Yesterday I asked him about a particular fear that he might want to change the focus of his job, to a demographic that would not include me, and he was very reassuring about that. I think he realizes now that if I don't feel safe and secure with him, I can't do the work.

[toomanycats]

I do - all the time

[ScarletPimpernel]

I ask for reassurance from my T at least once a week. For some reason it just doesn't last. But she's never said anything about it like being too much or that I should be reassured by now. It's been 3.5 years, you'd think I'd trust her by now. But my past really screwed me over. I know the goal of our therapy is to not experience abandonment, but it's hard when so many have promised the same and still left. Maybe after this leave it will finally sink in? Or maybe it will make me have to start all over?

Anyways, I think reassurance is a positive thing especially after what you went through.

[justbreathe1994]

Thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts on this. It is interesting to hear the range of opinions. My relationship with ex T was so focused on reassurances and I’m not even sure how or at what point in our therapy, the reassurances became so important. It feels so strange to me (and very difficult too) to not get that from new T, even though the dynamic with ex T vacillated between feeling overly enmeshed and then also “helpful”. I think I attributed reassurances to closeness. When ex T reassured me, I felt closer to her. Maybe the closeness itself wasn’t helpful. Or maybe, closeness is helpful but I don’t need reassurances to feel close to someone.