In Session Today: Part VI

Yes I kept looking at the clock and the door, It was so boring. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't able to talk about anything or be emotional at all.

I found another local company that has 5 people who specialize in grief, 3 women and 2 men, I called them and left a message, so we will see. I only have 4 days due to **** weather, before my surgery, that I could do therapy, but thankfully I wont miss more than 2 weeks of sessions after.

Sat on the couch in yesterday's session. It took most the session before she finally understood what was going on for me inside. She seemed to keep interjecting possible reasons/interpretations into my explanations. It was like she couldn't slow down to match my speed. She kept talking granted half of what she said was to try to encourage me that it was all ok, that we could talk about whatever and that we didn't have to talk about it.

There is an inner fight going on right now. One part thinks it's ready to tell its stories and other part(s) are not ready for those stories to be told. So I will say one or 2 sentences about something and then shut up and I am fighting with myself to stay physically in the room and mental/emotionally with the thoughts/feelings rather than switching to a much safer topic or intellectualizing it.

Somehow I need her to show me she is with me, interested in what I am saying, engaged in the process, encouraging and supportive while at the same time give me the space to not feel pressured, tricked, ... I need her to somehow give me the quietness in energy that will let me know that everything will be ok and it's ok that these are tough things for me to talk about even though they are not "big deal" things.

Elio, you sound like me in T. I struggle so much with sharing and trust etc.

I hope you are able to feel more free and open with her at some point and it helps you

I relate to your last paragraph too, @Elio. Thank you.

The session was good, I don't want to get into it all but we ironed out what had happened and I felt good about it. There was one thing I'd quite like some (kind) feedback on:

At the end of the session I got some money together and handed it to him. I said, this is for today and the Skype session on Friday.

T: (whilst holding the money as if his hand was frozen in the position he took it) We hadn't agreed you would pay for that?

Me: wasn't it a session?

T: It started out as a conversation to see if you wanted to come back. You paying for sessions when I've said something that has hurt you is a tricky area. I don't mind you paying me or not paying me, but it warrants some attention.

Me: And here we are at the end of the session with no time to talk about it.

T: Sorry I knew I should have brought it up earlier.

We both looked at each other a bit like neither of us knew what to do next. Him still holding the money in the same position.

Me: How about I take the money back for now, and we can discuss it properly next week?

T: Yes that sounds like a good idea (hands me the money back).

So I genuinely don't know what I want to do or say about it next session. Any thoughts?

Echoes - my t did not accept payment for extra sessions (like daily for a week) during our major rupture.

My thoughts are your T genuinely cares for you Echos ( and I'm finding that slightly triggering , but it's my stuff and it's good for me I think ). I feel your next session could be very productive if it's handled well ( and I hope it will be ) there's probably some very deep feelings in there. I so liked your T's analogy about being roped together climbing a mountain. My T is very stable for me too , there have been times I've wanted to cut the rope though. I imagine these feelings are quite difficult and strange for you. Hugs.

Echos, it sounds like a very caring thing for your T to do. I'm glad you will be able to discuss it more. HUGS Kit

I think it's a very nice gesture. I think I read somewhere that a red flag in therapy is when you have to keep paying for multiple extra sessions to fix what happened before.

I dont mean ruptures just if it is an ongoing pattern where he says something semi unkind that causes you to panic and then spend your money to "fix" what your t did. This seems more like he accidentally triggered something and was willing to work to fix it rather than lose you as a client.

I think as a one off it could be acceptable. I insist on paying t every time we have a call. One week she said as the call had been short (2 or 3 mins) and was a question about something that happened in t, she viewed it as an extn and there was no charge
I thought that was a thoughtful thing to do and she has clearly put some thought into what she felt was appropriate. So hear him out and see what you feel comfortable with.

Echoes, I think it's worth talking it through with him to see how you both feel about it. He's a pretty solid guy, so I don't see red flags either way. My T doesn't charge me for outside contact, and occasionally our calls have been lengthy (like half-session length or more). Over the weekend she realized she had completely misinterpreted something that happened between us, and she called me to make it right before our session the next day. (I think it was a totally forehead-slapping moment for her.) So it doesn't seem weird or odd to me if he is okay with not asking for or accepting payment for the Skype call, but it kind of depends on what feels right to you.

Thanks everyone, that's reassuring. My only reservation is that I will feel less comfortable asking for an extra session in similar circumstances in future if I think T is giving up his time for free. I am concerned will feel less okay to ask for what I need if I'm not giving anything in return. Or especially if I am unclear about what the boundaries are.

Grist for the mill, my friend.

There is no harm in saying that although you will accept it this time as that was his intention, you have every expectation of paying for extra sessions going forward.

I had sent my therapist a brief email on Monday saying it would be nice if he could send me a response saying he was looking forward to talking to me on Wednesday. He used to do this in the past. He said the email made him smile. As I’ve mentioned before, he no longer responds to emails, but repeatedly tells me that he looks forward to my emails and that they are welcome. So I knew he would not reply, but I sent it anyway and I told him that it doesn’t feel good to make myself vulnerable and then be met with silence. T said that that brings the feelings up and then the goal is to discuss them together in person, not via email. So I guess that makes sense. I have a feeling we will continue this conversation about emails every week for a long time and he seems open to it, so that’s good.

I had sent him a second email yesterday saying that I occasionally look up other therapists and imagine what it would be like to see them. I imagine them being perfect and understanding me right away. He replied that he perceived that email as my response to his non-response to my first email, saying that when we feel hurt we often try to hurt the person who hurt us. I suppose that’s possible although that wasn’t my conscious intention.

When I got to my car I realized I had left my water bottle in his office. I’m seeing him again tomorrow morning so I’ll just get it then. Because of his style of therapy I wonder if he’ll place meaning on that - like I unconsciously left my water bottle there so he’d continue to think of me after our session. I obviously didn’t leave it on purpose, but I do like the idea of him thinking of me outside our session.

Or did you?

If a therapist is human, all clients will cross their mind sometime out of session

Today’s session ended up going in a different direction than expected. R and I sat down, and she asked how I had been.
‘I feel as though I have only just understood that it was deliberate, and I don’t know how to deal with that.’
‘Did that come out of last session?’
‘Yes. I envy people who can express anger well. You asked me last week to describe anger…’
‘Yes.’
‘And I realised afterwards that I was describing my ideal form of anger. I want to be able to control it.’
‘They saw the pain I was in, and wanted some of that for themselves, or wanted to add to it. That is not friendship.’
‘That is not friendship.’
‘I trusted them and they…I hate this word…abused that trust. They turned me into a doormat.’
‘You became a doormat. I have just heard you say that you did not deserve this. There is a lot of power in what you are saying today. Do you feel that?’
R remarked that she was thinking about when we first met, and how I recounted the events without any emotion. There was a timeline, and these things happened, but I didn’t feel anything. Now I am feeling, and that is scary.
‘I feel like the language I am using is a shield to prevent me from feeling, in the same way as the timeline was a shield.’
R asked whether I felt like I could shout at her… ‘Well, not at me, but if that would help you feel better.’
‘I couldn’t do that.’
‘That is very strong – is that because you are concerned that I would take it personally, or because you don’t want others to have to see you angry?’
‘Language is all I have. Language is beautiful, and should not be weaponised, and they even managed to weaponise ‘She knows you worry.’’
‘I’ve read some of your work. You use language so beautifully in your poetry…are you concerned that expressing this anger will turn you into somebody you’re not?’
‘Yes.’
‘You know how much I hate making comparisons.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well…even in the…I can ****ing use the word if I want to…’
‘You tell them!’
‘Even in the nightmare of Chris’ illness, there were many good, wonderful, cherished experiences. This feels like freefall. With this, there is nothing to hold on to. Everything I could grab on to would rip me to shreds.’
I continued. ‘The right words in this situation feel wrong in my mouth.’
‘That is very powerful. The right words in this situation feel wrong in your mouth. Are they swear words?’
‘Yes. If I were to pass them in the street, I would use them’
‘But otherwise, they feel uncomfortable in your mouth? Is there a block because you don’t want other people to see you angry?’
‘Yes, but if it’s toxic in the air, what is it doing to me?’

Mine basically said this in one of our last sessions and while I don't disagree, I mean, sometimes from time to time, I think of people I didn't even like from 10 years or so ago, I don't believe he cares about me anymore... I dont think random thoughts equal care.

He didn’t say anything about the water bottle I had left there yesterday, but it was sitting the same spot where I left it. I wonder if he put it there or if it stayed there through all of his sessions yesterday afternoon. We had our usual awkward silence at the beginning where he just waits, expressionless, for me to start. It’s really quite impressive how he can do that. I eventually spoke a bit about some family things, then I asked if he had a hard time getting going at 7:00 a.m. This was only my 2nd 7 a.m. session and I said it feels quite early for me and there were only 3 cars in the huge lot outside (usually it’s full) and it was dark and snowy outside. I told him I actually know which car is his because it was the only one with the snow scraped off the windshield and he laughed. He said he wonders if I’m wondering if he’s fully present for me which I wasn’t consciously thinking, at least not in a judgemental way.

We talked about his upcoming vacation and how I felt stupid for even bringing it up, but I know I start to feel distant after about 4 days so I imagine 2 weeks might feel even more that way and I felt foolish and ashamed about having those feelings. He talked about how it is human nature to have needs from other people and that feeling vulnerable is a good thing. I said some vulnerable thoughts are probably good and others not so much. He said it sounded like I had a rule book and he wondered which vulnerable feelings were not ok. After some prompting I said, “caring about some guy I pay to see once or twice a week.” He seemed fine with that, but said he suspects he is not “just some guy” to which I replied, “that sounds kind of arrogant.” I eventually said I feel ashamed about wondering if he’d check his email while on vacation and wanted to know if he’d send me one quick email reply while in vacation. I actually held out my hand and told him not to respond because I felt ashamed about asking and I’m pretty sure his answer would be no anyway, but I said I deserve credit for bringing this up in person rather than email. It was almost the end of session and he basically said sending an email reply is reassuring in the moment, but it doesn’t last very long. I tried to argue that it feels nice and ties me over till our next session. He seemed to say that I’d just want more, which was true in the past, but I think I’ve changed quite a bit and I don’t think that would be the case now. I think it makes sense for him to consider a simple one-line email to me while on vacation, but I doubt he will. We left it that we’ll talk more about it again next week.

You are right, that doesn't equate caring thoughts necessarily....

But I would be surprised if your therapist didn't have any.