In Session Today: Part VI

Oh, thanks LT. That makes sense. Kit

My therapist apparently has some software that automatically submits insurance claims for him at the end of the month. I found this out when one claim was for a day he was on vacation and I didn't want him to have issues with insurance fraud, so I informed him. He told me he had to adjust some setting on the software.

Today’s session felt different. R came to the door and I let her in.
‘Good morning from a very nervous Lost.’
‘Nervous Lost… I will just use your loo a minute.’
She came in and sat down.
‘I’m wondering why you are nervous.’
‘You remember… You may not remember. Once upon a time I sent you a YouTube video.’
‘Yes… It was a country song, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes… Since then I have been working myself up to and talking myself out of sharing one of my own songs. The reason why it has taken so long is because I was working out the best way to share it. When I sent the photos… When they sent the photos… I would not send photos, I would not put myself through that.’
‘You’re getting tongue tied.’
‘Rather than respond to the e-mail, I wrote a song. I walked into a music session last year and said “I need to do something, and then forget that it exists.” The recording you are about to hear happened then. If the lyrics aren’t clear, I have a copy here.’
I pressed Play and found that I could not look at her whilst the music played. I felt a rush of emotion, but did not cry. The song finished and R thanked me for sharing it.
‘I am curious about how it was for you listening to it. I was engrossed, but it looked like she you were having a hard time. It seems like a mountain for you.'
‘I nearly cried within the first 3 seconds.’
I explained that I first played it at a small venue, to about 20 or 30 people, and that I asked my friend to sit on the step.
‘He said he didn’t know the song. I said that wouldn’t matter.’
‘Was it just to have somebody there?’

‘Yes. There was another occasion when I played it at a different venue, and I don’t know how he knew I was in trouble, but I heard him say “I’m going over there”…he picked up the chorus, and we finished the song together. He describes it as his favourite song I have ever written, so I ended up playing it at every session we both attended. It used to be the last song I played before finishing up for the night, but there is no sense in finishing up the night feeling like ****.’
‘No. How do you feel about the song now?’

‘I once described it as “The song that means the world to me, that I wish I’d never had to write.” There was a tenderness there, but there isn’t any more. The third line of the last verse is the only part that feels true now.’
‘I know peace can’t be when sorrow lingers.’

‘The last verse was originally different. The first two verses are as they came, but I was not happy with the last verse. I woke up four days later…’ I burst out laughing.
‘I know what you mean. You didn’t sleep for four days.’
I remarked that I was angry when I wrote it, but it doesn’t come across as an angry song.

‘You said last week that you had been too polite. The song is very tender and loving.’

We ended up talking about my anger towards them. ‘I did not need this. I did not ask for it. It feels like a violation of who I am.’
‘I am having trouble finding words.’

‘Are they the words that don’t feel right in your mouth?’

‘Yes. I did not ****ing deserve this.’

‘With the deluge of information, even if I felt I could cope with it, I would not have asked for it.’

R remained silent through this.

‘I was in a place of…piss off! Utter devastation.’

‘I feel the fire within me, and I need to let it out, but I am keen that I do not destroy anything.’
‘With what you said there, your voice was raised. I felt the anger, but I didn’t feel like it was directed at me, if that helps. I felt the need to say nothing whilst you were in that space. My silence was an acceptance of that…and if that’s what you need to do in this space…’

I asked R whether she could ask more questions to facilitate my being in that space.

We talked some more, and R wound the session up by commenting on my being more in control since the New Year. I referenced a work situation as potentially having given me confidence.

We scheduled for the week after next.

‘Thank you for sharing your song. Well done, lovely.’

I don't want to go into details (they're not interesting anyway), but I had a pretty lame session that left me feeling disconnected and uncared for and like maybe this is all a big waste of time.

Did I just spend entire session in silence and staring on the floor or talking about not being able to talk? I don't know who was there but I don't think I was present. Why does my brain go 100 miles an hour all week and shuts down as soon as I sit down in that office? What a waste..

Today's session wasn't the most productive. I'm feeling stuck both in therapy and in my personal life right now. There are many things that need to change.
Pdoc received me 15 minutes late today, but then she had me for 1h and a half. I felt bad after I realized how long our session had been, like I was bothering my Pdoc or something... but she was the one who chose to be with me for so long. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks.

In today's session I told her I was sad about x and dealing with it. She told me it was ok to be heart broken about x. I nearly cried but didnt and held it together. The compassion hurts.

A couple snippets from today....

T: ...your observation--I was going to say complaint...

Me: Oh, you can say complaint. I was totally complaining.
---
Me: I know the world is not actually like this, and that this is not going to happen in real life, but I feel like I have cried and grieved over this enough that there shouldn't be any left. I should be all done.

AND (I could see her getting ready to say something therapist-y)...you have to agree with me right now, so for just a minute I can pretend that's how it actually works.

T: (laughs) That's exactly how it works. The bucket should be empty, shouldn't it.

It was actually a lovely session, for the most part, challenging, one of those where I look back and think, "How did we cover all of that in an hour?"

Today’s was quite a wonderful session. It was just what I needed after a stressful week. I feel like I’m finally getting the hang of how to “do” therapy. It’s been a slow process but I’ve finally made peace with the pace. And T has met me where I am, though still tries to challenge me when necessary. I’m starting to understand things about myself in a way I never did.

There’s a beauty to this process that I’m beginning to really appreciate.

I had 2 sessions. One today and one yesterday. I have never gone twice in one week let alone back to back. T said she thought I was trying to fast forward through my feelings of grief and get right to the bit where I am ok, but that its perfectly fine to need time to adjust and to feel what I feel. They were both intense sessions and both times I had a teary moment but no crying.

We talked about food issues and about my hand washing. It seems to be out of control since my recent bout with a stomach virus. Yuck. She is glad my other half is there to help out but I'm not. I wish she would just let me self destruct.

T is very calming and I worry with letting myself feel safe because I know it is a fake environment and all the logic I have tells me to be smarter but GD she is just so peaceful to my brain.

My last session was last Tuesday. The therapist seemed surprised to see me and said wasn't it C's day? I said no, because she got to come last time! She asked me what I wanted to talk about. I snitched on C for hurting my arm. I was really feeling sorry for myself that day because it was really hurting. The therapist asked if I had been to the doctor, and I said no. She asked to see it, and I was suspicious, so I asked why. She said to see how bad it looks and if I need to go to the doctor. She asked if it hurt and I said yes! And I said maybe my arm would fall off now. And that I would be really angry with C if that happened. The therapist asked if I thought it was infected. I wasn't sure because there were some blisters and I had thought I had seen some pus the previous day when my dog's tiny nail accidentally caught one of them and popped it. So I said I don't know and she came and looked at it up close and said she didn't think it was infected so far and she doesn't think my arm will fall off. So that was good. And I was glad I had snitched and didn't feel guilty at all.

Then I had the therapist listen to an excerpt from a Mary Poppins audiobook. The chapter is called "Bad Tuesday." In it, Michael Banks wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. The way he is described as feeling is how I feel a lot of the time.

The therapist saw C on Friday. Most of the session was boring, but she confronted her about hurting my arm. So that was good.

He asked me if he was even helping me which set off abandonment feelings because my thoughts went to him wanting to terminate me because he does not think he can help me anymore. I felt that question was also for his feelings of inadequacy and wanted reassurance so I reassured him. Just being there, someone bearing witness to my pain is like a pressure release valve and helps me get through my life so yes I said you are helping me.

He apologized and said he should have worded it meaning was his technique today helping me in the moment and he wanted to make sure there was no ill will between us.

What was I to say? So I told him no their was no ill will and I left there feeling worse then when I went in. I do not see him again for a week and I have so much crap going on.

Life goes on right? So I plod through each day feeling no joy and just full of worry.

hi everyone

I saw t today at 9am. we played a board game called Sequence that I gave to T a couple years ago. T won!!!

we discussed work stuff. I've been sending t emails about things I find hard to discuss in person. t brought them up. they are about....

trigger warning for CSA and s*x and sui



t asked if id like to try to meet again this week for a second time. I said yes. so we are meeting again tomorrow

I asked t for a hug, he said yes. I hugged t... t said I will see you tomorrow... take care of yourself the rest of today

Today was the last time I'm going to see him for two weeks. It didn't go well.

I talked about how I miss him already, even though he hasn't gone yet, and how I know the break is going to be particularly hard for me on this occasion. I was describing how my young parts struggle with the idea he is uncontactable and how it feels scary to those parts.

He said "Is there anyone else who can fill that need?". I looked at him for a while and said "I don't like the question.". He said "How did you hear it?" I said "I heard 'leave me alone and go bother someone else'". He asked if he could reframe it. I said if he wants to. He said "how can we make me going away less scary for you?"

I looked at his bookshelf for a while. I noticed "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was on there. I had never noticed that before.

I said "I'm not thinking about your question. I don't intend to answer it." I teared up for a minute then snapped out of it. He said he noticed I had pulled away from that. I said I am keeping myself safe. He said "it doesn't feel safe?" I said "It's not safe to leave feeling this way."

He said "so what do you want to do for the rest of the session then?" I sighed and said I'm not asking to do anything different, I am just voicing the struggle. He said yeah, it's a dilemma for him too. Then suddenly we were both in the dilemma, nobody was trying to fix it, and it felt better. We looked at each other for a while. I said I felt less lonely now. I discussed some other issues I have been having and how I felt about those.

In the last ten minutes I noticed I was thinking things like "will you miss me?". I told him I was filtering some things that feel too risky to say. He looked at the clock and said "yeah it's probably not a good time to take risks". I said "I have no intention of saying them, I just want you to know that's going on inside of me".

I began talking about the break again, and saying that it's come at a bad time for me because I have a lot going on at the moment, and I'm feeling pretty fragile.

Then, with a minute to go, out of nowhere, in the most insincere and dismissive tone EVER, he said "Sorry 'bout that.".

I was really shocked, it was so out of character. I said "probably not worth insincerely apologising with a minute to go, T.". He said something about how he is sorry I feel this way, but he's not taking responsibility for it.

As if I was asking him to take responsibility for the fact it is bad timing for me. WTF is he on about?

I looked at the clock and said "so close" under my breath. I handed him his money. He stood up as if anticipating our usual hug. I said "It would feel insincere to hug you right now because I am annoyed with you, so I'm not going to." He said "okay". I turned to leave and said "Enjoy your week off." he said "see you in two weeks".

And that was that.

hi all. I'm meeting t in 20 minutes

I disclosed erotic feelings and thoughts about t in an email. I have massive regret and feel like I might die from embarrassment. wish I could just wear a bag over my head. I'm scared to see t. I don't want him to look at me

t sent this email in response

Hi junkDNA,

No you are not freaking me out or being inappropriate and it is understandable and even expected that you would have these feelings and thoughts, given what you've been through and the nature of our therapeutic relationship and I would never do what Dr. (redacted)did. I can't meet at 9 this morning because of the ice.. I hope we can still get there by 10!

so yea here goes nothing I guess...

Echoes sounds like it was in and out of okayness. Like it was hard to stay tuned to that radio station.

Thanks una, that is a brilliant way to describe it. That's exactly how it felt. Like the signal kept being interrupted.

Thats exactly what i pictured from your description! What created the signal interference? When you physically turned away from him? Idk...

Also i was surprised that he let you leave without a hug, because my t said hugs were either always on or always off, no spur of the moment decision making allowed.

I felt like he switched the radio off with "sorry 'bout that".

Now I don't know whether I have a broken radio or not, and I won't hear back from the workshop for two weeks.

Re hugs- if he had tried to make me hug him he might as well have smashed the radio to pieces with a hammer.

Agree with Echoes on the touch bit. I've refused hugs from my T too because of the way I was feeling, and she's always respected that, as she should. A forced hug would not end well.

There WAS one time we did not hug, it was at the beginning of the session after our big rupture. I felt like i didnt know who he was. Eta - and he totally respected my feelings, but he also let me know how he felt.

Aside from that one time, it never felt forced. It also never felt THAT intimate? It was more like shaking hands. Like boxers, probably! Because of The Rule.

I just wanted to explain that.

Ditto to Echoes and Velcro. I'm from a forced touch family (nothing overtly abusive, but punishment-if-you-don't-hug-grandma kinds of things), and I'm still trying to remind myself that I don't have to touch people/they can't touch me if I don't want it. I can't imagine not being able to tell my therapist no to touch for any or even no reason. It kind of gives me the willies.

PDOC appointment last night. I went to the window to talk to the receptionist and to pay for my appointment. They said it would be $40. I was like, "Are you sure, it's always been $30. She looks at the computer and says, "Yeah, it's $40." I hand over the cash, get my receipt, sit down and immediately call my insurance company. The insurance company looks up my plan and says, "No, it's supposed to be $30." So I go back up to the window, this time it's a different lady. I tell her what's going on. There's some confusion. She said, "Is it 40 for the PDOC and 30 for therapy?" So I ask the insurance company who said, "No, all outpatient mental health is $30 copay per visit." So she gives me back $10 and takes my receipt (so now I have no record of paying at all). Then they scan my insurance card (again). And then the lady I'm talking to goes away. I sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. He's running behind. So then I get called back. I told him how I'm feeling unwell, depressed, SUI thoughts, and about my recent SH and how I feel tired all the time, and just don't want to do anything. So he starts giving me options. One we can increase the anti-psychotic. Two we can add another anti-depressant. Or three we can do both. But he really doesn't like to make two changes at one time. Which I understand. So I told him that I would up the anti-psychotic, even though I have some concerns about doing that (weight gain, it makes me feel zoned out and zombie-ish, makes me feel like not doing anything). So I'm going to go back in 5 weeks. I didn't get my usual hug, because he didn't stand up at the end. But that's okay. I should call the office today and find out about my receipt but I don't want to seem like a pain. On the other hand, I don't want them to think I didn't pay and then owe $30 or $40 extra next time. Kit

I would call - they can mail you the receipt.

Today I literally sat crying in silence for fifty minutes. Sometimes just weeping, sometimes shaking and sobbing. M said "you're upset" once (no s**t mate) and then, about half an hour later "why are you upset?"... I didn't answer. He didn't say anything else throughout the entire session.

Paid him £35 for that.