In Session Today: Part VI

Kit

I feel that everyone can believe what they like My only question, is your T like specifically a religious T? I've heard of some like that, was just curious. Otherwise sounds like at productive session at least. I also saw your dear T that your former T texted you, how amazing!

Had my session with baby T. It was ok. He talks to much sometimes, not about nonsense like T but like just rambles on about topics at hand. I'm too polite and quiet to really say anything and plus I don't wanna be there anyway. I told him that today, how I hate going there, and telling him things that only T should know.

I had my trigger list and a list of my regrets, he was glad I did and we went through some of them. Wasn't helpful really. Just asked me things like how I'd have felt if I had done the things on my regret list... like how would I know? I also knew the trigger thing would just lead to coping skills. Which he for some reason brought out a white board?? He wrote the coping skills I could use on there and then erased it, I'm already used to them with my dog. I didn't really need to go over them.

He did suggest trying to keep track for a few days of my triggers and how I feel at the moment. Also trying to focus more on the positive things. He called it positive psychology. Like how I said I'm sick of winter and it's so depressing. He said, that thinking of things like snow is pretty and how it doesn't last forever etc can help. Idk. I just wasn't feeling it tonight.

One of the thing on my regret list was how I never said anything to T when he looked back as he walked away and he kinda had me talk a bit more about it and I said "Well I could have told him I loved him then, I had a second chance but instead I stood there like an idiot" and he's like "Redirection, you stood there like a person." That was interesting I guess.

He did say that the intake info is on file there for 5 years so it wouldn't need to be done if I take a long break and return and he liked my idea of coming back around the 2 year mark with T and talk about what to potentially say if I still plan to connect him and talk about the possible outcomes and how I could handle them etc. He said even if he isn't working there, I could go back.

Was just a so so session. I think I was just not into going tonight. I never made a next appointment on my way out, I'll have to call one in. I'm debating if I should try a second one this week and try to get more things out there or if I should wait until next Thur. or even 2 weeks. It's so hard because I care about him 0% and I don't like going, I'm only going because I'm hoping it can help me change my mindset and help me manage this all better going forward.

I also think he was kind of tired, last session of the day, really dark out and he yawed a few times and kept losing his train of thought, said he had a busy day. So maybe 7pm with him is a terrible time.

I forgot to add, we talked more about T stuff and I brought up something I can't say here and he was a bit confused at first and then I explained and he asked me "IF you had not been a therapy client, do you think you have acted differently then?" I said yes. Then the next few sentences he referred to things as "our friendship" and I said, sometimes I wonder if he was only nice out of pity. He didn't really comment on that, but did say.... "You say that friendship type thing was what you needed to get through losing your dog, but did you ever consider, he needed that too after the divorce and found it in a way with you?" I said ya but he isn't supposed to do that type of stuff and he said "It doesn't matter what he isn't supposed to do, it matters what he did and how you felt about it all. It seems to me that it was more helpful than anything. I was just saying that maybe you helped him in ways you didn't realize. Maybe it was a friendship" I find it interesting how he refers to it like that so often and doesn't lecture about how things were with us. I probably will end up sharing alot of things I typically don't with people about us... I feel like the more I share, and the more he seems to get it, the more I feel like it wasn't in my head and it helps me feel better about how I am reacting.
He also asked me what reaction I expected if I had said I loved him after the final hug. I said none whatsoever, it was more about something I wanted to do for me.

He also asked how I'd feel if I did delete all our texts. I was like omg, no I can't. I'd regret it so much. He asked what keeping them did for me. I explained its comforting and he said, how so and I said, Idk, I haven't read them since lol... but I hope in the future to look back and laugh and find some comfort from them.

This isn't a session with T, but I went to a group last night (like an encounter group made up mostly of therapists I think) and I went way beyond my comfort zone.

I told someone something about how I experience them (I'm not gonna say what to protect their confidentiality) and they said it was hard to hear.

At that point, the part of me I've been fighting for so long in my desire to become my authentic self, able to verbalise how I am feeling in the moment turned on me and said "See? You are bad. You have hurt someone. It's not okay to be you". I tried to backtrack and say that that perception was probably something in me. The person said there's probably some truth in it but I couldn't stop beating myself up through the break.

When we came back someone asked me something about it, and I started crying and told them that I had an unpredictable caregiver when I was young, and I had learnt it was safer not to be me, and not to express my feelings and needs. I said it took years of therapy to get me to the point where I am willing to express my feelings in the moment and I hadn't realised how fragile that was, and how quickly that critical part would turn on me and say "it's not okay to be you". I realised that when I backtracked, and said it was all coming from me, that was my instinctive attempt to reregulate the other, even though this person doesn't need me to reregulate them, they are okay and it is okay for me to share my experience of them.

The person said that they wanted me to know that "it's hard to hear" doesn't mean they wished I hadn't said it.

I thanked them and actually once I had realised what was happening for me I knew it already. I knew they were okay and it was safe to express my feelings, but I lost sense of the reality of who I was talking to in that moment and it's like I reexperienced the unsafety of being my mother's daughter (I hadn't said anything particularly negative, just something that seemingly the person had been trying to change about themselves).

I felt better afterwards, even elated that I had discovered something new about myself. But today I feel a bit like I made myself too vulnerable in front of virtual strangers. I'm hoping that will pass. I really like the facilitator. If he had been my therapist I think I would have ended up just as attached as I am to my T. He said he found me beautiful (meaning as a person, not physically).

I emailed my T asking for 90 minutes to sort the rupture out. He emailed back asking if it was alright to start a bit earlier. I said yes, the earlier start is fine. He emailed back "I'm glad that works for you". I wasn't expecting him to email me and say he was glad.

I am glad that you were able to say what was true for you, and even if something is "hard to hear" for the other person, it is not unkind.

And I have the experience of hearing something hard to hear, and the truth in that, while not exactly flattering, makes me feel seen by the other person, which is a powerful experience. To be seen by another person for a part of myself I may not exactly be as fond of as other parts feels like being accepted, and helps me accept it more deeply. Like if it is okay to be seen for my imperfections, it is okay to be imperfect. To have that recognition from another person is a kind of connection, a point of meeting of the minds, that I value. Because at the end of the day, a person willing to share what it true for them with you is a little nugget of a gift, and offering of something beautiful and too rare in the world.

You guys (E & A) have restored my faith in therapy. I needed this just now.

Hi DP_2017, no my T is not specifically a religious T. She has been raised with the same background as me, but I don't think she believes the same way I do, which is completely fine. She just has a lot of understanding of my belief system. And yes, my dear former T texted me. It was so sweet and just what I needed to hear. I love her so much!

There's a whole part I forgot in my session on Friday:

So when I was visiting my boss in post acute rehab from her surgery, there was this dark shadow one day while I was playing her some music (from my phone, not like I was actually creating the music) and it came from up behind me and surrounded me and it was really scary. I don't know if it was like a demon or if it was psychosis or what exactly. I was worried that T would think I was crazy but if she did, she didn't say! She just asked me if I could pray or something during those times but I get sort of stiff and frozen and forget to think. -- Kit

I started by saying I felt angry at the beginning of the break, but now I just felt nothing and I didn't want to be there. I told him I felt he put the knife in and abandoned me after his "sorry about that" comment from last session.

I started crying and said "there is so much other stuff I want to tell you about but I can't because of this. It's not fair".

T said he didn't think he was being insincere or dismissive. I said it was flippant. He said he had been sorry that his going away was bad timing. I started feeling the anger again. I told him he could have said "I'm sorry you're feeling this way" or "I'm sorry it's such bad timing" but in what universe is "sorry 'bout that" anything but dismissive? He said he might not have articulated himself well but I didn't give him chance to explain himself. I said "I never said anything". He said "yes you did, you said "great timing to make an insincere apology"". And yes I did say that. I had forgotten that, and the fact I had forgotten that took all the wind out of my sails.

T said his main reflection was that I had been talking about feeling like he was abandoning me, and this felt like an enactment of that.

Well, that got me back to the angry place. I said "This is the power imbalance right here - you have had two weeks to sit there and decide this whole thing is an enactment on my part and absolve yourself entirely". He quietly said "I haven't absolved myself". I said it reminded me of when I told T1 I felt belittled and he said "Well I didn't mean that at all, so that is projection". I said I felt like he was weaponising theory and it was all about the power dynamics. T said he didn't feel like he was weaponising theory. I said it felt more defensive than offensive.

I kept crying, and looking at the books thinking "Is this it? Is this how this is going to end?" I felt like he dug his heels in and I wanted to get up and leave.

I kept going quiet and then crying again, and he just watched my systematically get a tissue, silently cry into it, put it in my bag and get another.

He asked me what was happening. I was quiet for a while and I said "nothing I can articulate" and started crying again.

After a while I said "this feels like the part of the analogy where you cut the rope and kick me down the mountain.". He said it didn't feel that way to him. I asked him if he could characterise it in terms of the analogy. He said "not really." then he said "the rope feels shakey and I don't know why. And that's all I can say really. " He looked so, so sad. Something in my feelings towards him changed then. I told him so. I said it felt like we were together again for a moment, and I started crying again.

I said "that's the most I have cried in therapy, ever". He said "you don't have to take all your soggy tissues away with you, you know. You can put them in the bin". I said "I don't feel like I can". He said "I don't mind emptying it, it's just a little act of service. Just a tiny one" and he made the 'tiny' gesture with his thumb and forefinger and smiled a little with his eyes. I smiled a bit. He said "It's good to see you smile. I said "you too".

He said "it seems like you were the one to ask the right question... about the metaphor." I said it seemed to change things. He said "it seems like you experienced me as real, you needed to experience me as real, and that was the right question to elicit that response." He's right. I needed to see real T. And I didn't feel like I had seen it up until then. Only quiet T, and theorising T. I didn't need them.

I told him that I had composed a termination email but that my friend had said not to send it. I told him I also wanted to ghost and I fantasised about him sitting there and me not showing up, but I couldn't do it. T said that sounds really sad. He said it seems like it's about power, like I felt powerless and the only way I had to assert power was to absent myself. I said yes, and when he used theory at me I felt even more powerless. That's when I thought it was pointless. I told him about looking at the books thinking "is this how it ends?". He said that sounded really huge (or words to that effect). I said yes it felt it. I said when we work as a team I feel powerful. I think we are powerful when we work together. I said I like feeling like a team. He said "me too". Then he said we have to work as a team. We just have to, to do the work. I said it didn't feel like we had been. He said "I know. I experienced that too, and it didn't..." [he paused for a moment] "it felt horrible.".

T said "I kind of want to thank [friend] [for telling you not to send the termination email] but that wouldn't be appropriate, would it?" I said "I'll tell her you thanked her in parentheses" he smiled and nodded.

I told him I had been reading about "Emotional flashbacks" ie when your feelings belong to a traumatic earlier period and you feel them so intensely that it is as though you are there. I said I feel sure that the way I felt about "Sorry 'bout that" was so devastating because of rejection when I was young.". T said "Yes and it's also something that happened in the here and now between us". I said "I know, but the intensity of the feelings is because of the past. He nodded. I told him about the encounter group I went to (see a few posts up to see what happened). I told T I was shocked by how fragile my trust in my authentic self was. Like how quickly it crumbled. T said it didn't seem like fragility to him. That it more seemed that I could access processes that were once so deep, and now much more accessible. I said yes, actually, I didn't bow down to that critical voice, I told the people in the group what was happening. I continued to be authentic. T said yes.

We looked at each other. I said I want to say I love you, but I keep holding back because there's a voice saying "don't let him get away with all that". I said "I do though. And I can feel it now." He said "good".

I said to him that during our last rupture he had said that we should keep working on this repeating pattern, not so I get repeatedly hurt, but so that we can pay attention to it and heal the wounds that are at the root of the pain. And I said, "but we didn't do that. We brushed it under the carpet because it feels nicer to feel positive things towards each other". I said this time we need to pay attention to it. T asked how we do that. Whether it's enough just to say it for now.

I said I think the best thing about falling out is making up again. It feels so good, better than being on an even keel. So I don't want to get carried away in the reverie of making up, and forget about the rupture. I said we need to make a point of going back and examining why this keeps happening, especially around breaks. Or else it will happen again. I said I want to understand what is happening here before the next break (June). T said that sounds certain (or something) I said it is a quite specific target.

It was the end of our 90 minute session. I said I think 90 minutes was a good call. T said me too.

We stood up and hugged for a long time. He rubbed my back which he doesn't normally do. I said "I missed you".

We went to leave and had some chit chat about my kids. It was nice.

I said see you next week and left.

Session went fine. I'm just, not. I'm going to try to do something with myself, but sometimes I just feel like I am always trying to overcome one hurdle after the next. It is so repetitive, why can't I just get over myself?

"Challenging"?! Yeah well, ram it Bunty.

t asked me how I'm doing. I said a lil better past few days. t and I talked about my visit at my mom's. he said that it sounds disturbing and anyone would be freaked out given the circumstances and the history. we started to play a game called Sequence. t kicked my *** both times. I told T that baby t s hair is turning red. t said I know! I said he's so cute. t said could you imagine hurting a small baby like that. I said no!!! I don't even want to. t said something about showing compassion to my younger self. I told t the stuff that happened to me in the past feels like it happened to other people. like I watched it in a movie. I don't relate to the me back then at all. t said that is what dissociation is. he said I've blocked it out all, and I need to reconnect to that person from back then, and show them compassion. I said that seems painful. t said yeah. he said it comes back in waves right now and it overwhelms me.

we just played the game and talked abt it for a while. it was sort of quiet. I said say something! t quickly said 'something'.

t said what do you want to talk about. I said I dunno. t asked me about the voices. he asked why I think they're still here. I said stress. I told t about the flashbacks that feel like someone is touching me. and how I didn't know if it was hallucinations or what. t asked has it gotten worse? I said the past few days have been better. t asked if taking prns helps and I said yes but they make me sleepy. so when I get home from work I take one and just fall asleep. I'm either sleeping or working. I told t I haven't been showering much either... once a week. t said my nervous system is overloaded and its too much too fast. he said I need to take a break and find nice distractions. I told t I'm gonna play the sims after our appointment. he asked me abt my sims game. he smiled. we talked some about the residential program we met at.. t wants to recreate it but in an outpatient setting. t has bought a big new house for his practice. they are moving there soon

I asked t for a hug and we hugged

JunkDNA--I love Sequence! It's such a fun game! Kit

On Monday, we addressed some of what we'd talked about in my extra session Friday, where I got really emotional and talked about wanting to get better and being ready to change (it's in LT's Thread). Including a few things he'd said that I wasn't sure how I felt about. But the main thing I've taken away from Monday's session is this period, maybe in the last 10 minutes or so, where it just felt like T really saw me. Really, that we saw each other. There seemed to be this profound mutual understanding there. I don't know how to explain it beyond that. Maybe I'll write up the session more later, I don't know, but that was my takeaway.

Today’s session was important. I wanted to talk to R about the forthcoming theatre visit, but I could barely get the words out. I started waffling about the sense of safety at work and had to shout the Critic down a couple of times. R eventually asked me a question.
‘Has something happened at work, Lost?’
‘No, something will be happening.’
I continued by asking whether she had ever visited Famous Local Theatre.
‘Yes, I have.’
‘I don’t know whether we had a chance to talk about my previous visit.’
‘I don’t recall.’
‘I spent most of it in a state trying to calm down. My boss kept asking whether I was OK, which must mean that I was showing signs of not being okay.’
I told R about how my legs and the rest of me began to shake when one of my colleagues stopped to admire the view.
‘I thought we had done it once and would not have to do it again. It turns out that the FLT part fund the work we do.’
‘And you have only just found this out?’

‘It was a revelation at the board meeting. One of my colleagues mentioned it to me, and I had great difficulty mentally staying in the room.’
I joked that I could add ‘Delivering a poetry workshop through a panic attack’ to my list of achievements, but it is not something I would like to do again.
‘I am feeling…let’s take that one. I am feeling anxious in this moment.’
‘You are feeling anxious?’
‘Last Friday I went to the doctor. Fear, guilt and shame.’
I mentioned that I was making a mountain out of a molehill, and R recognised that was the Critic. We talked about a cupboard, and R said there was a lot in there already. She asked whether the FLT stuff had been added to it ‘alongside the garden centre.’
‘You remember the garden centre?’
‘My memory is pretty good. When I sit with you, things come back to me.’
I talked about my growing frustration with the experience, and mentioned that even though Chris’ death was Hell, there was movement. R said she senses that I have pride in myself over how I dealt with Chris’ death.
‘There is an echo, which comes up at certain times of year, and that’s…maybe not as it should be, but that’s OK.’
With the other experience, I have never felt safe enough to feel it. R commented on there being a physical aspect to safety as well.
I mentioned that I was frustrated by re-experiencing the bathroom scene on a loop, but not being able to explain it to anybody.
‘When I am in the garden centre, there is a certain part I seek to avoid, because it is like a movie.’
‘It’s as though you are stuck watching the scariest horror movie ever.’

I mentioned that I don’t feel like I have talked about the moment of impact. ‘Some people could read that and be fine, but I was not.’
We will start there next session after a further discussion about the doctor’s appointment. I emphasised that I am going to need to maintain connection with her.
She said that she can tell I am scared, because I’ve kept these things locked away for a long time, but she can sense a determination in me.
‘January 2011 is the biggest thing in the cupboard. If I can deal with that, then maybe I can learn to advocate for myself.’

I've just realised that I didn't recount the most illuminating or amusing part. The illuminating part was when I sat with her and said 'I have difficulty extending the same compassion to myself that I extend to others.'

And 'Next week, maybe you won't need an interpreter.'

'That's the Critic talking...I understand you perfectly well. If I need an interpreter, I will let you know. You're not speaking another language. If you were, I'd have trouble, but I can ask for clarification if I don't understand.'

Today we talked a little about how seeing a female marriage counselor yesterday made me question if I might have some subtle anger/skepticism/mistrust of him and I wondered if it could be related to him being male. He thought it might be related to my dad and we talked about it a bit. I still feel sort of bad about having some anger towards my T since he’s nice, but I just do. I told him there are times I feel like picking a fight or poking him which is just not a typical way for me to feel towards people.

I described sort of a cartoon image of myself that I have about my therapy experience with an image of the cartoon character Wile E. Coyote (I’m guessing this dates me) somewhere outside T’s office with a giant industrial strength vacuum (ACME brand, of course) trying to pull me out of T’s office and me clinging to the doorway or lamp or desk trying to hold on while I’ m being sucked out of the room in a cartoonish sort of way by this giant vacuum. I told him it was exhausting always fighting that battle and I wish I could just enjoy being in the room instead of having to fend off Wile E. Coyote. I told T that I need something to hang on to and said maybe that’s part of what the email responses represent for me. He asked who might represent Wile E. Coyote in my life and we ended up talking a bit more about my dad.

I see him one more time next week before I go on vacation for a week and miss 3 sessions. Hopefully I’ll be having too much fun to think about him.

A snippet:

Talking about the unknown, moving into the future...
Me: I don't know what's going to happen. I can't breathe, thinking about it. I'm sitting here right now and I can't breathe.
(more talking)
T: What are you most afraid of? (Lists the most likely issues)
Me, talking about unpredictable behavior: I can't tell if I am being reasonable. That's the problem, I just don't know what he's capable of. (pause) No. I DO know what's he's capable of.

That conversation hit me while I was driving. I was hyperventilating, my face was numb, I felt light-headed. I pulled over and called a dear friend and asked her to talk me home, to please just chatter about her day so that I could get where I needed to go.

I don't think that's ever happened to me before.
Dumping it here so I can go on about my day. F***

First, we talked about a friend of mine who's going to come to my country for a while in two months. He has expressed some interest in me (sexual) and has mentioned the possibility of wanting a threesome with me and my partner when he's here again.

T was really confused by it, saying that it seems out of context and like something nobody normal would ever do. I gave him some background on it (which he should already have but he's sometimes a bit forgetful). He then said how he's thinking about what he could possibly ask about this situation... I said you could ask whether I want to do it. He replied that would not be an open enough question. But that there's something similar that he's hinting at, whether I know what it is. I said: "how do you feeeeel about it?" He laughed and said yes. I said how on the one hand it makes me nervous and anxious but on the other hand I've never had any experiences with anyone besides my partner, so it makes it interesting. But since my partner didn't express any interest in the whole thing, it's pretty easy for me to decide too.

I then wanted to move on to another topic. I said how I'd been having the same flashback multiple times this week.

First he asked me some question about it, like why I felt that way. I told him about my routine each morning, as well as when and why it usually happened.

Since it's connected to fear, he asked me whether I remember why I was always so afraid of school. Like what was the scariest part. I said it was probably being laughed at or being bullied in general, and not knowing whether it would happen. And then there was the part where I was anxious about physical ed lessons due to having to change.



We talked about me crying every night for almost all of high school. T asked whether my behavior during those times is similar to the way I sometimes act in sessions. I said yes. He asked whether I'm scared of that and I said yes again. He wanted to know why and I said it hurts. I told him it hurts to be this sad. He replied that it's okay to allow pain to be there. I started to cry. He got up to get me a tissue. I got scared that he'd leave for some reason but I didn't tell him, was too consumed by crying.

He did some mindfulness with me, told me to concentrate on my breath. Occasionally he'd ask what my thoughts were (mostly memories from the past). I told him that I try to do some mindfulness exercises at work sometimes, it helps me concentrate. He said that's good.

We had to stop, so I wiped my face and gathered my stuff. He confirmed that we'd see each other next week and told me to reach out as usual if anything came up. He also stressed that he'd like me to go jogging or exercise in some other way a lot, that he thinks it'll help. Then we shook hands and I left.

So my last session with baby T was eh
I had printed my last email with T and brought it in to share, because it's been a huge part of my regret. I blocked out all his names and the emails etc and he asked to see it and then skimmed it, said that he only needed highlights. It felt really dismissive but I let it go because at this point, I feel like he's sick of hearing about it, I mean, I am sick of feeling it all so it makes sense. I don't blame him.

Anyway so I didn't speak up, I'm not comfortable with him like I was with T so the ability to freely speak about things like that is hard for me, I'm very much in my quiet mode and shut down. I don't want any sort of bond with him either so working at being comfortable etc isn't gonna happen.

That being said, I had a few other topics to bring up... like my friends dream about my T dying. He again seemingly dismissed it by just asking me how I can cope with it. I mean ok I get coping skills, I've used them my entire life to deal with crap, they help but not 100% of the time. What I need is to talk about the feelings and thoughts, and just try to deal with the emotions of them and all that. I have literally no one else in my life I talk to about this unless it's online or via text, this is it for in person. So it's just a bit of a let down.

I thought ok, well he doesn't wanna hear about that, so then he started rambling on about being outside when it's sunny and nice, which of course I do anyway....I had brought up the 3 months being this week, literally no response to that.

Most any T related thing was replied to by a coping skill idea and I mean I'm cool with CBT and learning new ways to think and all that but I really need to also just talk about things in a more realistic sense. I'm just "masking the pain" by only using coping skills, I need to deal with the thoughts and feelings aspect too and he's not really helping there, of course I don't say anything but eh idk

Another thing was he tried complimenting me on something and I was very anxious on the couch and he sensed it and said "I can see you are uncomfortable so I'll stop" which was nice but again, not asking why or anything. I can't accept praise, or care etc from people, and esp AFTER things with T... it all seems more like, NOPE!

I feel really bummed because on the one hand, he's good with therapy things, I have no attachment and I feel ok being just a job, it actually provides me with peace knowing that. I also like his insights sometimes and how he tries to redirect like one thing he did say about the dying was telling myself "I believe he isn't dead" rather than driving myself crazy with the KNOW for sure aspect. He's good with things where he could help me reframe my self worth but I feel like that would take me down the Long term road, which is a big hell no for me.

So then here I am, on a therapy break, wondering if any of this is worth it. What is wrong with me that I can't let T go? How much longer would baby T have to sit and listen to me carry on about him? I really am unsure of any of it is worth it. IDK if/when I'll return.

I saw him today. I was worried I might not be able to because my daughter is off school sick, but my H took her to work with him.

I told him about her being sick and me being exhausted. I talked about my trip the other day and how I was extremely anxious but I don't know if I was actually partly sick too, as I was nauseous and hot (which I had put down to anxiety).

We discussed a lot about what went wrong with the break. I told him how he had been so responsive to me last summer when he went away, offering me a transitional object, offering to be available for contact and also writing me a letter, yet this time he didn't respond at all. Even when I told him it would be difficult.

He said it hadn't occurred to him to do that. I pointed out that I had explicitly said the break would be hard for me and he had responded by saying "Sorry bout that". T said it does sound very "that's just the way it is". (Finally he gets that).

We said it isn't like we can plan ahead to do those things, it has to be in response to my needs, so it's about recognising those needs at the time. It's about attunement.

We talked about how I was angry with him at first and then I turned it on myself and started hating myself and wanting to quit because I feel too much. It was like, when the anger got me nowhere, I switched. T said it sounds like a strategy I've developed to keep me safe and feeling "loveable" (That had been my word first).

I said it felt like progress me feeling the anger instead of immediately defaulting to self-hatred. He agreed, it suggested a sense of safety. I knew it was safe to be angry. I said yes, I knew he would be okay with it.

He told me an anecdote he had told me before about a child he lived with a long time ago where he had returned from a trip, and they ran up to him (he assumed for a hug) and they actually hit him in the leg. He said he realised that meant they had felt safe to express how they were feeling.

I said "you told me that before". He said "have I?" and started talking about my process again, a little less assuredly. I looked at the pattern in the wooden cupboard and shrank my head inside my collar.

After a minute of quiet he asked what was happening. I said nothing. I couldn't find any words. After a couple of minutes I said " It takes courage to answer". He nodded. I said "I didn't tell you last time but I didn't like you telling me that story". He asked what it made me feel. It was very difficult, but I said "envy". I said I dont like feeling that way about it. He asked why I don't like feeling that way. I said a couple of reasons. Firstly it feels pathetic, and also, it is in conflict with the part of me that wants to hear more about him. T nodded. He said envy is a funny emotion,because it's difficult feeling it, but it's very telling, because it tells us what we want.

He asked if I ever felt envy at other people who had the kind of parenting I didn't have. I said sometimes, especially when people have warm and giving mothers, but this felt more envy at wanting him.

I said it made me imagine him engaging with the child, with rapture and warmth in his eyes, and that's what I want. He asked how it feels when I get that. I thought "I melt" but I didn't say it.
I said I dont have many memories of feeling that way, but when T looks at me warmly it impacts on me a lot. T said "you might not be able to answer this, but I wonder if it melts something inside of you?" I smiled and told him my first response, which I filtered, was "I melt". I said I filtered it because it didn't make sense to me. He said it made some sense to him, that it melts some of my defences. I said yes, and he can penetrate my defences, but there are very intense feelings beneath. So he can reach through my defences, and if he touches that place right I feel intensely good, but if he touches it wrong, I feel intense pain.

Time was up. I didn't hug him because I am worried I could still have the bug and I would never forgive myself if I made him ill. T said "virtual hug" and it reminded me of the Skype virtual hug we did. He said he spots that button everytime he Skypes now. I said as long as you're not inappropriately sending it to people. He laughed and I left.

I felt he was much more attuned today than he has been in ages.

Echoes - wow! The melting metaphor works for me better than the mountain climbing one. I like the way it mixes metaphors within itself. I almost dont miss jessicas t now.