In Session Today: Part VI

I thought I'd try a different one when I had the first one, and it wasn't feeling enough.

I have been reflecting a lot though and think that some things just aren't going to work with talk therapy. I've basically decided to deal with my grief alone now. Nothing has changed with it. Nothing at all.

I am "unsure" about deal with my long term trauma and self worth stuff because it seems like things that could take years, and if any sort of "relationship" formed in therapy, I'd quit. I don't want to be in therapy for years. So basically it was just curiosity, and testing things, now I'm unsure where to go from here

People are allowed to see as many therapists as they want as long as they want to. Whether it "fixes" things or not it is your choice how you spend time or money. I'm sure Stopdog would say that you can find other uses for those people lol

My therapist is nothing but kind and i just want to push her to see what it looks like when she gets annoyed. In session on Thursday I also expressed what I have felt for a while. That it is not helpful for her to ask me if I feel others feel the way I do. I know that she is trying to normalise my feelings so I am not so alone but it just feels dismissive. She didn't say much but I know she heard me, she always does.

So true and in my case, baby T (the main one I see now) is moving locations in the summer and due to it being so close to where T was when I saw him, I refuse to follow him to that location so I needed another option if I still wanted therapy beyond that time. Then I got stuck in more insurance garbage or I'd probably be swapping the other T for baby T right now, because I'm at an impasse with baby T it seems but I'm gonna finish out my scheduled April stuff with him anyway

What happened with working on the grief with baby-T?

Read my latest write up... from this past week....

Basically he just seems to have "checked out" or become bored with it... which makes me feel like I'm wasting both our times with it. I also don't see ANY progress, I'm still miserable when I am at home. I feel so stuck in the grief and don't know how to move on

DP, I read that session note. Are you sure that baby T really got bored, did not care etc? Perhaps he just tried to be tactful and not get intrusive dissecting your letter or something. You said before that he is generally quite non-judgmental , so maybe that's why he did not react to that letter, given that he is not familiar with the details of your story but knows that you don't want judgment.

It is definitely a very painful feeling with the grief. With my first T, it was so unbearable and no one could help.

I don’t think any of my Ts were helpful with that grief.

It is definitely difficult. I totally understand what you’re going through.

Even though I tried to talk about my grief over my first T with my past Ts after him, it seemed like they just didn’t “get it.”

I don’t think I felt any better about it until earlier last month when I talked to him and resolved things. But it was extremely painful for a while.

I have no idea. It felt different somehow. I am also really in a low place lately, lower than usual. Losing my best friend on top of everything else and going back to a job I hate, out of guilt has really ruined me. I just feel hopeless and feel like he's lost interest.... but to be fair, I'm tired of talking about it and feeling it too so I don't blame him at all. I think I just need to shift focus to other issues and put the grief on the back burner

It is often said that suppressing grief is not a good idea because it may come back later, often when we do not expect it. I don't really have this experience but heard it many times.

Maybe talk about other issues in the upcoming session (or couple sessions) and come back to the grief later if you feel the need?

I'm sure suppressing any feeling is not helpful but I've done it my whole life. I just think it's something I have to deal with alone. They can't really "help" me... only time can.

That being said ya. I am working with self worth stuff a bit with baby T. I do plan to take some time off after April ends though, just need another therapy break but I have the backup T during that time if I REALLY need it... but I think I'll be ok. We will see.

I had a session on Thursday, and it's taken me a while to process it. I'm still puzzling it over in my head, so thinking out loud here...

The bulk of the session was taken up by a conversation about perception and self-doubt, and the ways that living with someone whose perception is skewed makes it challenging to trust myself. The self-doubt takes over because of the way boundary-setting conversations in particular derail to focus on me and what I've done wrong, said wrong, on my obvious ill intent. The ways that living with someone who cannot see or own their own behavior clearly is frightening in itself, and I start to wonder: Where are my blind spots? And I become hypervigilant about what I do and say to prevent accusations.

We both used mirror analogies.
T's was about relationship and the ways that the people around us reflect us back to ourselves. He takes what he sees and reflects it like a funhouse mirror, distorted and twisted, so that's what is reflected back at me, and I cannot see my undistorted self.
Mine was that it's like living with a mirror with a hole punched out in the middle. Around the edges, simple interaction and superficial relationship, is mostly intact though it has cracks running through. The closer one gets to the middle the more fragmented the shards get until the empty middle, and trying to flow around that fractured reality was slicing me to bits, and I am reflected and distorted in sharp bits and pieces.

Then at the end of the session, and this is what keeps puzzling in my head, as we were wrapping up, t said in a sort of...complimenting, almost...voice, "And you didn't cry this time!" Which half took me aback. Really? "Is not crying a good thing?" I asked. And she said something about a stronger sense of my self and holding things together.

It was our session wrap-up, so I didn't get a chance to pursue it, and I still find myself puzzled by the idea. Is that a measure of progress, not crying? It seems to me that the crying I do in therapy is pretty damn situationally appropriate and a part of expressing what I am feeling in the moment as I discuss the impact of the disastrous pieces of the life I am currently immersed in.

Ooo. I was thinking as I started that I am mostly intellectually curious about the question of my crying, but it seems I am having a feeling or two about that. Hmm.

I'm taken aback by that comment also. Personally, I would find that comment shaming. I've been worried in the recent past about crying too much in session and when I brought it up, he said he wished I would cry more. Sometimes I think crying is necessary to help release some of the built-up emotions.

WFS - I agree with NP. I think conversely my T sees my crying as a sign of progress, because it means I'm not trying to hold it all together, like I usually do, I'm allowing myself to feel. But honestly I I it's unnecessary and unhelpful to place any value judgement on how you respond.

Sorry you're having such a hard time at home.

I could use picket riders for my session today. So nervous to see my T that I feel sick.

hopping in goatee

Today's session didn't go well. I was feeling numb and disconnected from myself, and I stayed quiet for the most part . T asked me some questions but we didn't talk about anything new.
I left the office feeling hopeless and frustrated... I feel like so need more help but I'm not getting it from my T

I'll hop in if it's not too late, Goatee.

I’ll most likely have an appointment in May. I’m waiting for a specific therapist and if she can’t see me then she basically wasted 4 months of time I could have spent seeing someone else. She’s on maternity leave now. She said she had room for me. I’m just nervous about starting therapy again. I don’t want to be diagnosed with BPD but I have zero relationships besides my mom let alone unhealthy ones. I rarely have mood swings and I control them when I have them. I don’t have any risky behaviors. My self esteem and self worth are fine. I don’t fit it but I don’t want some stranger judging me for how I may have acted 10-13 years ago. I am really nervous about doing this.

Thanks so much, Velcro and LT. I really appreciate it. It went pretty okay, better than expected.

Baby T suggested a vision board and to make a list of goals for my life. He is gonna help me find EMDR and group therapy options, he says he thinks both could be good for me.

He asked me to say 3 things I liked about myself, that was difficult. Especially when he agreed, then I wanted to backtrack and say, no, wait. Hard to resist that.

It was ok. I'm not sure if he is helping or not. He answered the question of "why did you want to be a therapist" with the standard "I wanted to help people" so I called him on that being a standard answer and he said originally he wanted to be a dentist and make loads of money. That was a bit uneasy to hear....although it fits his cocky personality. I def am starting to really feel his inexperience side come forward

About 5 weeks ago, I had finally had enough of whatever was going on between me and T (which had been going on for weeks). I sent this email:
Since then we have been doing jigsaw puzzles. I see my T 3x a week, so that's 15 sessions of jigsaw puzzles. Actually, there was one session about 2 weeks ago that we talked through the session then back to jigsaw puzzles. Many sessions I would talk a little about my inner world towards the end of the session. This week, zip - nothing really. I have completely shut down communications from my inner world to her. I will go through moments where I love her, want her, and want to tell her all this stuff, then I battle inner thoughts of hating her, that she doesn't care... and so on. I know she cares, I know this is coming from other places... and I shut it down again. She said some stuff that hurt me and left me very confused. She's acknowledged that I got hurt and acknowledged that things said did not land the way they were meant. I don't know how to move past this place. I've completely split her into different personalities in my head, which is scary and confusing at times, frustrating at others, and embarrassing to be able to see what I'm doing and not be able to stop it or change it. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of her even though she's still here because when I am seeing her as one part the others don't exist, and the one I grieve only seems to be the one I made up completely in my head. It is also the one I most want her to be.

And there's these big fears/thoughts that she's glad that things have made this change/turn. All I can say is it doesn't feel like progress. It feels like how I used to be with everyone... that she's become just like everyone else, pushed so far out of my inner world that there is no relationship. I don't exist, not allowed to exist. There's no point in talking or sharing anything because there's no value in sharing it. Not to mention that the part of her that I see when we are together in person, is the "mean" part that just wants to hurt me. How in the world am I supposed to break through this wall ?? (rhetorical question)

I had T today. It started on time but T had to go to the restroom so I had a little time in the office by myself which I spent looking at the pictures on the walls. Pretty much every inch of wall space has pictures on it and I still haven't looked at them all.

T came in and asked me when was the last time I SH-ed. And I replied February 10th. She said that was pretty long and asked if it was a record for me? I said it wasn't a record but it's longer than I usually go. She asked me how I was abstaining? I reminded her that I gave up SH for Lent. She said but Easter is tomorrow....what happens then? I said I was thinking of extending my no SH time until Pentecost which is June 9th. She asked me what problems SH causes for me? I said sometimes I go too deep like last time when I had to get stitches which was embarrassing and expensive. Plus others around me get upset. She asked me what benefits I get from SH? I told her if I'm suicidal or having a lot of hallucinations it kind of resets things.

Then she asked me about my medications. I told her my PDOC who she knows....they work in the same office, had increased my AP by 1mg last time. She said it can take time to get the meds right and I told her I've seen my PDOC for years and saw his predecessor also. She said oh so you've been around a while? And I said yes. We had a brief discussion of meds I've been on. She reiterated that she thought my meds needed to be tweaked.

We talked about work. I've put in a couple of applications elsewhere, and we talked about my conflict between wanting to make more money and wanting to be there for my boss. She said I don't put my own needs first, that I'm caretaking my boss. She said that's okay if it's my choice but she thinks I'm not happy in part because I'm not meeting all my needs, I'm too focused about meeting the needs of others. She asked me what my Dad would say if I got one of those job offers and I said my Dad would say to take it. She asked what my Mom would say and I said my Mom would say what about my boss (who is also a family friend).

Then I started dissociating. She asked me how my body felt and I said sleepy. She asked what was under sleepy? Then she did EMDR which doesn't make sense to me as I was dissociated. I felt like that part was stupid and a waste of time. Then I told her I felt hopeless. Hopeless about the job thing because it's lose-lose. And hopeless about the SH thing because it's just a matter of time before I relapse and I can push it out but eventually I'm going to cave. She said I'm very self disciplined and that I can control SH. I'm not sure about the latter. Then she made a similarity between SH and drinking. How it's moment by moment for alcoholics. I don't know if that's true because I don't drink. I don't know where she was going with that.

I went back to giving up SH until Pentecost. She didn't say whether it was a good thing or not. I said I guess I just need to trust God that I won't get too suicidal and need to SH. She said you have enough faith to do that.

I think there's stuff I'm forgetting. I remember she talked about jumping off a building which was triggering but I dont remember why she was talking about it. I felt like we were dancing around suicidal thoughts and feelings without talking about it directly. I know former T would have come out and straight up asked me about plans etc. But T didn't and I didn't know how to bring it up. I'm still trying to process. If I remember more I will post it. She said time was up and wished me a happy Easter. I felt emotionally flattened and drained. I feel like I need a nap. I feel like the session was so so. She said I have much to think about. My stomach feels a little off. So I know something isn't right. I'm just not sure what.

Thanks for reading. Comments okay. Hugs Kit

T's wife was outside gardening today. I have always rehearsed that moment in my head with me casually saying "hi" and her responding in kind, and me trotting away feeling rather pleased with how cool I felt about that.

So there she was tending the shrubs at the front of the house, she looked at me, I looked back at her, she looked back down at the shrubs, the moment for pleasantries clearly passed. But that's not how I rehearsed it in my head! So my brain said "do it! Like we rehearsed!" And I said "good morning". By this time I had already passed her, and had to look back to see her raise her head and sort of awkwardly half smile half grimace and make a sound that I guess was supposed to encapsulate all possible manner of polite hello without actually being a word, or involving any mouth movement. "Eee" it went. And I carried on walking, heart racing, vision blurry and shaking, leaving her behind me, I assume, also somewhat befuddled.

I always stop at my T's door, get out my phone, check the time and then knock. I stopped to get my phone out, heard her footsteps coming round the corner behind me, and I just burst in through his door.

But instead of telling him the true cause of my obvious anxiety, I told him I was anxious about something I had been invited to take part in, involving public speaking (it's true, I am anxious about it, but that's not why I was shaking as I picked up my glass of water).

After 10 minutes, I started laughing. T asked what? I tried to tell him what had happened with his wife, but I just couldn't get the words out. I told him I couldn't tell him. We discussed that for a bit. I kept trying but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. In the end I wrote on my phone "I know why I am shaking - I saw your wife maybe (?), well someone anyway, outside watering the flowers"

T handed my phone back to me. I said that was easier than saying it. T asked me about my anxiety (he said it must be his wife, she was moving some plants). I told him it raised old feelings about being intrusive (see - every rupture we've ever had). T said he didn't think I was intrusive. I said of course you don't, I know I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just doing what I do every week. These feelings don't care about logic.

T said it was "unfortunate timing on the part of my wife. I think she thought she would be finished by now. She knew I had a client coming at 11".

T asked me what it made me feel. I told him all the things it made me feel the things that were so strong and disproportionate that they must have their basis in the past TW SH and also that I worry about how T will respond (since we've had ruptures about his wife in the past) and also worrying about whether she knows anything about me. I said I've been in this world long enough to know that Ts do talk about their clients. He said "you feel vulnerable". He didn't answer the implicit question about how much she knows about me.

We talked for a while and it felt okay. I said I felt less vulnerable and more relaxed "because I don't think you're going to say anything stupid and hurt me".

But then I related my feelings back to other ruptures. I mentioned one where I had emailed him on Father's Day and he had said in a later session "I felt like you were putting yourself alongside my kids". I guess it's one that sticks in my head as painful, and maybe never satisfactorily resolved.

T said "as I hear you relay that incident, I'm thinking that I was experiencing something and I made that about you, and projected it onto you. Does that make sense?". I was quiet for a minute (not sure why he was reopening the question of what was going through his head that day, with 20 minutes left in the session). "You were experiencing what?" I replied. He obviously was nervous about responding and kept stopping and starting. He again said he was experiencing "something" and elaborated on what he meant by projection (which I wasnt asking) rather than elaborating on what he meant by "something".

I said "you keep saying 'something'". He said "it feels like very, very thin ice." I said nothing. He continued "I experienced you as a child in that moment". This annoyed me, because that in no way explained his comment about me putting myself alongside HIS kids. I said "never mind, it doesn't matter". T said "it does matter". I said "I just don't see the point in digging down into this again, I just don't see the connection. I can see a child as a child but that doesn't mean I see them as alongside my children".

I said I don't do well with vague fuzziness. If he wants to explain something to me he needs to do so with precision and accuracy, not censoring himself so much obviously leaving the most important parts out for fear of hurting me that he ends up being vague, and what he says completely useless. T said "I hear you".

We were coming so close to the end of the session we seemed to simultaneously realise we ought to patch this up a bit.

I said "I know I ask a lot of you, and I don't let you get away with anything, I appreciate it's not easy". T said "but when you do, you give something to me too. One of the things that is special about this relationship to me is that you hold me to account." I said "Good. And I do it because I trust you to come up with the goods". T said "talking about these ruptures is uncomfortable, for both of us I think, but they hold an emotional charge in the relationship and that's why we need to keep coming back to them". I paid him, and we hugged and he squeezed me tight.

He asked whether I'm going to do the other thing I'm anxious about. I said, it's a bit like telling him about his wife, even though it's hard, I can't not challenge myself to do it. He smiled and we said see you next week.

The oddest thing came to mind today in therapy. A flashback to what had been a negative experience I'd had thirty years ago.

This must be terrifying to experience because I was scared reading it.