In Session Today: Part VI

SheHulk, I wondered the same when I read about your session, if your child is aware of what's going on or at least has some sense of it. Or did you tell your child's T at some point about it? I think the T is just trying to look out for you (and your child).

And I agree that your T won't get sick of you. I had the same fear with moving to twice a week, then when I have an extra session at times, I've made comments about how he's probably tired of seeing me, and he's said no. Once I asked if he ever saw my name on the schedule and thought "Oh, no, not LT." He said he's never thought that. And his words, body language, and actions match that. Your T would not have offered it if he didn't want to see you that often. I hope you can make it work with child care.

Today’s session was a humdinger. I began by telling R that I had been on high alert for the last week, and ‘Trying to rationalise being really pissed off.’
‘Trying to rationalise being really pissed off. Is that the same as trying to justify it?’
‘Yes –I still feel as though I don’t have the right to be angry, because I had a choice and I didn’t say ‘This is too much.’’

‘Because you had the choice, but didn’t say anything?’
‘I wasn’t in a place to be able to make a good decision.’ I went on to explain that when I cannot find a reason for my anger, I feel anxious. ‘Tuesday was the…anniversary of the email. Funny word to use, but…’

‘Tuesday was the day you got the email?’
‘There is some old stuff coming up…’
‘Do you want to share it, or do you want to keep on track?’
‘In previous situations it has been postulated, er proposed that I may be focusing on this, and that is not helpful.’
‘You feel as though they were making a judgement?’

‘Yes, and it isn’t helpful when it comes up six years later to create a now problem.’
I said to R that I was unsure whether I am more frustrated with the situation or the person I have become in trying to deal with it.

‘Do you feel angry right now?’
‘Right now, I am confused.’
‘I can feel you trying to work a lot of stuff out.’
‘I shouldn’t be having these reactions.’
‘I hear a lot of pressure, I’m not sure whether it is internal or external. You shouldn’t have these reactions because?’
‘After eight years…’
‘Because of the amount of time?’
‘I feel ashamed because I have become socially useless.’
‘Two big judgements there – “ashamed” and “socially useless”…Can we zone in on the ‘socially useless’ so that you can tell me what that is like?’

‘I had a conversation with a friend on Tuesday and I explained to them that January and April are hard.’
‘It sounds like you were authentic to a level that is comfortable for you, rather than containing it on your own. Going back to what you were saying, I am curious as to how your friend responded.’

‘This was the friend to whom I explained everything after we went out for dinner and she said ‘You look thoroughly bored.’’

‘Yes.’

‘Tuesday was not the day ot have that conversation. Her response was ‘Those people would want you to go on and enjoy life.’ That struck me as funny, because these people made it their business to do the opposite.’ R and I both laughed at the absurdity of that, and I continued. ‘On reflection, I am not sure whether she was talking about Chris, but either way, I think she would understand. I explained to R that my friend tells me she is ‘on the way’ to understanding my situation, and then responses like that show me how little she understands.
I reached for R’s hand to have the strength to say what I wanted next.

‘I want to be the same person I always have been, there for anyone, but I have learned from this that there has to be space for me too. I don’t feel equipped to handle anything else at the moment.’
‘Is that an acknowledgement I hear that this has affected you too deeply?’

‘Yes. Are boundaries hard for everyone?’

‘That’s a big question – if you’re asking me, I would say yes. You have to constantly renegotiate them.’
‘I had a great workshop at work on Saturday, and came away feeling really good. Then I got home and started to feel not so good again.’
‘That is the first time I have heard you describe something as great.’
‘I like the person I am when I am at work.’
‘What do you like about that person?’

‘I feel more confident in my own abilities. That person can lock the Critic in the Cabinet of Curiosities and not pick it up until the end of the session.’
‘That is huge, Lost. I have a sense of…creedom…that’s Critic and freedom together, I’m making up words today.’
We laughed at that. ‘Creedom. The Critic gets some me-time.’
‘Over Christmas, I had the opportunity to watch The Grinch for the first time. There was one moment ‘Now to deal with those pesky memories!’’ |

‘You know I won’t be able to stop picturing your Critic as The Grinch now.’
‘When I am at work, I have a purpose beyond survival.’

‘When I picture you at work, I picture you taking off a backpack full of all these heavy things. You take it off, and then you go in. I don’t know how often you work, but the fact that you are able to experience any time out of survival mode at all is great.’
R went on to explain that the difference between work and other social situations is that work is boundaried. I may find that easier because there is no expectation of others putting their stuff on me. I was impressed.
‘I’m no genius, Lost. I’m just making links using what you tell me.’
‘I think the thing with the anger is realising that there is no sense in which what happened is OK, and finding ways to express that without hurting anyone.’

‘We’ve come full circle. I feel a bit emotional after that. Do you feel like there’s a light?’
‘There’s something here today that hasn’t been before.’

My kids are not aware of the SA. Their T knows only that it exists because I mentioned it briefly while we were alone at the last meeting. I'm sure she was/is concerned and was just trying to be supportive and helpful, and looking out for the kids. It's just not something I care to discuss more with her at this time, thats all.

A snippet from today's session (paraphrased for the sake of brevity)...

Me: I keep dreaming of people trying to leave their children with me, abandoning them in my care, trying to get me to take responsibility for them. And I don't want them. It's so unlike my usual dreams of children where I'm like this (miming scooping them into my arms), wanting to take care of them, to rescue them.

T: But the children in your other dreams were already abandoned and alone. They needed rescuing. These children already have adults responsible for them.

Me, feels a little like "Oh. Duh." (Also a little impressed that she remembers those other dreams.)

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. Commented on the rainy weather. I took off my coat and T noted how my floral rainboots matched some floral stripes in my shirt and said how coordinated I was. Me: "It was kind of accidental. Plus I generally don't try to be so matchy-matchy." T: "Well, it worked. Also, that's another footnote!" Me (smiling at the reference from last time): "And it's about feet!" T laughed: "True!" Me: "Actually, is it OK if I take the boots off? I'm wearing socks." T: "Sure, teenagers do that all the time in here." Me: "OK, thanks." Took off boots (first time being shoeless in there) and sat cross-legged on the couch, immediately feeling more relaxed. (Hm, perhaps I'm on to something there...)

The email from Monday came up, where I felt he didn't believe that I could be successful in reducing drinking. I started crying, grabbed the box of tissues and sat it next to me on the couch. Me: "I feel like I should have just sat with the feelings, but...I was just feeling really bad. I didn't include this in the email because I felt awkward about it, but...I actually sent the email from my car in the parking lot here. I'd been sitting there for 45 minutes crying, messaging with a couple friends, but still feeling bad. And H and D were at home because she was off, and I felt I just needed to get myself together enough to go home. Like I had planned to stop to pick up beer on the way home since we were almost out and I was just feeling hopeless about that. And I just wanted to go have a beer somewhere because I felt so bad, and then I felt bad that I wanted to deal with it by having beer."

T: "So you were kind of spiraling." Me: "Yeah." T: "It's good you were reaching out to other people and that it helped some." Me: "Yeah, it did. Just...not enough I guess." T: "Do you want to talk about what you got from what I said Monday?" Me: "I guess...I know much of it was me projecting, like I'm having trouble believing in myself, so I took what you said and...I don't know." T: "I know I didn't say that I thought you couldn't do it." Me: "Yeah, it was more that you were talking about how cutting back tends not to work for people and citing experts and things, so it just felt like you were implying it wouldn't work."

T: "I didn't mean to suggest that. I think it's good that you're trying to think of new ways to approach this, that you're trying." Me: Thanks." T: "The main thing I was trying to get across is how difficult it can be. And I didn't want you to beat yourself up over it if you weren't being successful right away." Me: "Oh OK. So you were trying to normalize it." T: "Yes. Addiction is a huge problem in this country. Many people struggle with it. It's not an easy thing to overcome. So I wanted to make sure you know I realize that. And that I'm not going to judge you for it." Me: "OK, that helps, thanks."

Talked more about specific plans, what I wanted to accomplish. Me: "I guess I'm trying right now to focus on what I'd consider the more dysfunctional aspects of my drinking, like what I'd be reluctant to tell people about." T: "OK." Me: "Like drinking during the day. Yesterday I got together with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while." T: "That's good!" Me: "Yeah, was good to see her. We had a couple drinks in the afternoon. I feel that's OK, because it's social. But what I'm looking to eliminate is sitting home by myself at noon, having a beer or two. Because like if I was working a 9-5 job outside the home, I wouldn't be doing that." T: "OK, I see. So you want to extinguish that aspect of the drinking." Me: "Yes."

I said how I'd been successful the past 6 days at the not drinking before noon, with the exception of that day, because I had a session (session was later Monday). T: "That's good! You met your goal!" I said I was debating if the next week, I should push it back an hour, to 1. T: "OK, but I know you like to have a drink before sessions." Me: "Yeah, but I need to get out of that habit." T: "Don't push yourself to do something you're not ready for." Me: "OK...maybe I could just set the later time for days I don't have session for now." T: "Another thing you could do is plan a certain number of cheat"--Me: "Days?" T: "I was going to say beers, a certain number of cheat beers, that won't count against you. Say, 2, so that's 2 beers you don't really count. I mean, it doesn't have to be 2, it could be 50 if you want." Me: "I think 50 is a bit too many!" T: "Yeah, probably."

I said how I'd been trying to track my goals, like what time I had the first drink and how many I had total that day. Me: "Is there any chance I could be, sort of, accountable to you for that? Like to maybe spend a few minutes each session talking about how I'm doing, maybe showing you the tracking?" T: "I'd be open to that." Me: "Really? Because ex-MC and ex-T refused to do that for me." T: "They did?" Me: "Yeah, with ex-MC with the drinking and ex-T...well, she tended to hand-wave the drinking part." T: "Huh." Me: "And at one point, when ex-pdoc wanted me to do day program/partial inpatient (note: for an issue not related to drinking), I came up with this plan for self-care with ex-T where I'd track things I'd do like exercise. But then she refused to look at the tracking, so..." T: "Really? That's weird. Doesn't seem very helpful." Me: "Yeah, especially because we came up with it together."

Me: "So, then I can maybe share that info with you? I mean, even if I just give you a sheet with the info on it, you wouldn't even have to read it." T: "Well that would be kind of pointless." Me: "OK, yeah, I just didn't want you to feel obligated to look at it." T: "I'm willing to look at it and discuss it if you think it would help. I know it can be good to have someone to be accountable to." Me: "OK, thanks." T: "You can be accountable to someone else if you want, too." Me: "Well, I'd feel weird with a friend. And with H, he'll just be like, 'If you want to stop, just stop.' So I don't think that would be helpful. But you're OK with it, right? I mean, I could just show you for a little bit, wouldn't have to be for a long time."

T: "You can show me for however long will be helpful. There's not a 3-month time limit or anything. It takes as long as it takes." Me: "OK, thank you. I mean, I know ideally, I should just be accountable to myself, it should be enough." T: "But it's not that easy. Willpower is way overrated. People expect to be able to get through with willpower alone, but things like addiction can be really powerful. It's OK to need more help with that." Me: "OK, thank you, that helps to hear. And I guess you have faith that people can overcome it." T: "I generally believe in people's abilities to make positive changes in their lives." Me: "Yeah, I guess if you didn't, you're probably in the wrong job!"

Somewhere in there, I said how I've been capable of stopping when I needed to. Like once I learned I was pregnant, I didn't have any drinks the whole time, and even only let myself have have a nonalcoholic beer toward the end. And when I had a DWI 15 years ago and wasn't allowed to drink for a year, I stopped, because I could have gone to jail if I had a drink (violating probation). Me: "So shouldn't I care about myself, my own well-being enough to do this now?" T: "But those were things with immediate potential consequences. It's much harder to think far into the future. If you have one drink now, it's not going to kill you immediately. It's a cumulative effect that can effect you years from now. It's the same reason people have trouble believing in global warming, because the main effects won't be for 30 more years." Me: "OK, yeah, that makes sense."

Confirmed Monday, and T asked if I still wanted Wednesday (my birthday is Thursday). I said I thought so, because I imagine I'll struggle early in the week due to an anniversary. But then I wonder, would Friday be better? Me: "It's like I'm trying to forecast what my mental health will be a week from now...But I'll keep Wed." T: "I tell you what, I'll keep you on Wednesday, but you can let me know for sure Monday. I'll have clients, but not so many I'd be all booked up Thursday and Friday. So if you change your mind, you may not get your ideal time, but I'll get you in." Me: "OK, thank you."

Went over and paid. T shook my hand while saying, "Have a good...uh, weekend---yes, weekend, it's Thursday." Me: "Yes, Thursday, right. Thanks, you too." T: "Take care of yourself." Me: "You too."

LT

I just wanna say, socks are the most comfortable thing. I am ALWAYS like that unless I'm out in public and have to have shoes. I did it quite often in T, especially in winter because boots are uncomfortable. I wish I never had to wear shoes or boots lol

Hey LT, it's great that your T is willing to let you share a chart or something with him to help. I did that for a while with my former T with SH. It was helpful for me to "see it" in black and white and not just have a vague sort of general sense about it. For me though it did exacerbate the problem for a while (I'm not suggesting this will happen to you) because I didn't think I was doing enough harm to myself (yeah, wasn't really in a great state of mind) but then after a while that sort of straightened out. I can't remember exactly how long I did this form for her, maybe six months, and then we moved on to other strategies. I have hope and faith in you and I think it's good your T is willing to help you with it and hang in there with it while it takes as long as it takes. That's excellent. Also, as always, good session write up. Also, happy early birthday! Hugs Kit

I met with my therapist yesterday. She had some new fidget toys, those lovely visual flowy ones with the colored water and oil, and when I looked at one, she mentioned that she hadn't yet gotten a close look at them.

I asked about an ongoing issue, she told me how it had been settled. There was a lull, and I laughed and suggested that we sit and look at the new toys and talk about her pretty scarf, we could chat about those for an hour, right? She laughed, and we talked scarves and sales for a few minutes, and she asked if this was what I wanted to talk about, and I laughed and said, "Yes," then sighed and said, "No."

I started by sharing my thought: Doesn't she ever get bored by hearing, "Then he said...and I said...," and my realization that I was curious about that in its own right but also that was a lot about me being bored recounting those stories. It was a lovely conversation because she talked about why she isn't bored by hearing those retellings, feeling honored to listen and looking for the layers and contexts in what she hears.

Then she said, that's kind of a marker. When the client gets "bored" with it, things are changing.

I told some "He said...I said..." stories and we talked about those. I told her about my dreams and we talked about those too.

Then we started talking about lying. As we talked, I realized I was suddenly clenching my jaw so tightly that it ached. So much lying. There's work to be done around that, apparently. This is the piece hovering in my head.

Thanks for the wishes, Kit! It’s good to know that you did something similar with your T and it ultimately helped. I’ve tried keeping track of things before, but without sharing them, and I feel sharing it will make me feel more accountable. He said he wouldnt make any judgments on what I show him unless I felt it would be helpful. I said I didn’t think so. So we’ll see how it goes.
I can understand the desire to want to seem you’re doing worse than you are—I kind of freaked out a bit after T told me he thought I was making progress. I think part of me was afraid he’d say I should switch back to once a week. Even though he’s said that’s entirely up to me. And he said that’s part of why he was reluctant to tell me he thought I was making progress, because I might think he’s trying to push me out the door. When he’s not. But I get the fear that you’re not doing badly enough to deserve the care/support. I think for me it’s something from childhood.

I'm confused by this, or maybe I'm just reading it wrong. When he asked, what you were trying to achieve with this behavior, was he talking about your crying? If so, how did your crying make him feel?

I don't remember that much from today, but it was a good session. We talked about why I do the things I do. I tried to explain my feelings when I cry and T tried to understand. We laughed a bit too. It was nice. I don't feel he gets it totally yet, but it still felt like progress.

Maybe crying is the wrong word for this... there are times where I will completely break down. Cry violently, I'm pretty sure all the other clients with other therapists can hear me sobbing, it seems very uncontrollable. My T has said before that I look like I'm in some sort of fight and that I seem very tense.

So he's not necessarily talking about crying in general, more of a certain kind of thing I do repeatedly and that is not really appropriate for the situation.

He said or has said before that when I act like this he tends to either feel sad as well, hopeless, helpless or annoyed.

T session yesterday. I got to T's office about 15 minutes early. Paid the receptionist my copay and made an appointment. Got one in 2 weeks from now so that feels pretty good. I sat in the waiting room with two other people. One was singing along to the radio which I found very annoying. (There are several T's and PDOC's in the same office so those people were waiting for other T's or PDOC's.) I like having quiet before I see my T but I couldn't control the environment. I could feel myself getting anxious though. I kept bouncing my leg up and down.
T came and got me on time. She was wearing a matchy-matchy outfit but it actually looked good on her. Usually I think she dresses kind of frumpy and it can be distracting but it wasn't. She was not however, wearing the black flowers in her hair like usual. I kind of missed those. I handed her the paper that the front desk gave me and she handed me back my receipt. I walked in front of her (awkward as always) back to her office and sat in my usual chair. Although I did wonder what it would be like to sit in the other chair but it is closer to her and I like being a little further away. Odd because with former T I liked to sit as close as possible to her while still giving her space.
We started off talking about how my sleep has been. I'm still sleeping too much. But I told her that I took her advice and I'm trying to just force myself to do stuff whether or not I feel like it. We talked about how that was and what I had tried. When I did stuff with other people did I enjoy it? Yes, but not initially. Afterward I would think, oh that's not bad. Or, I had fun. But the anticipation of having to socialize and do stuff was worse than the actual event. I told her that I'm trying to stay up later, even if it is just a half an hour so I'm not going to bed every night before 8 PM. (Sometimes I go to bed by 6:30 PM.) I told her that my pastor said that even a 0.5% change can lead to a bigger change. If every day, I make a 0.5% change, then over time that will add up to something like 10% in a couple of months. So basically it's the small steps that count. If I can master the small steps, then I can make some bigger steps, or more smaller steps. Of course some days I am better at this than other days. Some days I still stay in bed or go to bed early. But I'm trying. I don't know if this is actually having any effect on my depression but it may be that it is so slight that I don't notice it. I'm trying to give it the benefit of the doubt.
We talked about my SH. So she recommended the rubber band on the wrist which never really works for me, and so I told her that. I told her that holding ice can help but that I don't always have ice around, like when I'm at work. Not that I should be SH-ing at work but well, I'm messed up so...Then the other thing she suggested is journaling. I said I have trouble expressing my emotions but I could give it a try. She said the trick is to not overthink but to pick up the magic pen (yup, she said magic) and write like stream of consciousness and just let stuff out. Then when the words stop, you're done. So I may give it a try. I figure, why not? What have I got to lose.

We did not do any eye movement stuff this week which I was glad of because all it seems to do is make me dissociated. But maybe I don't see the effect that it has. Again, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt.

We talked about distraction..reading, and TV, and Disneyland. We talked about whether or not I should pursue more education. I'm just trusting God to either open doors or close doors and so far it's been closed doors. So I'm either not ready yet, or I haven't found the right place yet or something. Or this is not the right path for me.

We talked about my Mom's foster mom coming for a visit. She tends to be critical and that can get to me after a while. I'm pretty good at shrugging it off but sometimes I can't just shut it off in my head. We didn't really talk about ways of managing it. We kind of ran out of time.

I didn't dissociate. So I thought that was good. I was pretty talkative (mostly because I didn't want to give her a chance to do any eye movement stuff on me). I feel myself getting a little more attached to her which is scaring me. Full on scaring me. I don't want to attach to her. I do like her, but I don't want to attach to her. It's hard to know if she's helping me. Sometimes when one is really depressed, one cannot do really deep therapy. And sometimes incremental change can be hard to see at the time and only by looking back can I see it. So I may just be impatient or frustrated and that's okay. We stood up and I said thanks, and she said my pleasure. Then I walked out and could feel her watching me until I got to the door. It's rather unpleasant as I don't like that feeling but I get that they have to make sure that you exit.

Questions/comments welcome. Kit

I don't really post here, but I had an unexpected session after a rupture that I need to work through.

So, some background. Two weeks ago I showed up for an appointment and T was not in the office he was in there second location. I had been scheduled incorrectly. This was a human error and people make mistakes. However, it was really more of a confirmation that consistency with T and my appointments times are an issue because he is pulled in many different directions professionally. This was the third month in a row that something happened right before my appointment because of other professional activities he chooses to engage in that has messed up my appointment. I emailed him the day of my last missed appointment admittedly pissed off. Told him we needed to talk about it and it really did come off more accusatory in tone than intended it to. No response after almost a week, really pissed me off which led to me quitting therapy. This was a serious, I am done I can find another t who can actually be at their appointments when scheduled and who will respond when I am noticeably upset about something the t was responsible for.

In the meantime I did email a new T to inquire about whether she was taking new clients and her availability, etc. I gave her some background of what was going on, and I got a thoughtful reply. I told her that I would I reach back out to her in a week if I want to schedule something.

Yesterday morning I got a call from t's office saying he had a cancellation that morning and he wanted to know if I could come in. I agreed. He came and got me about 15mins after the hour which is really way early for t, so that was a plus. We sat down and he asked me to tell him what was going on. I really had a hard time putting it all into words at first. So, I said well you got the emails. Then he said something to the effect of yes, I read those emails which leads me to believe there is "More" going on. Which really pissed me off and got me talking.

I told him, I don't like that you think my freak out over appointment times is more from from my rejection/abandonment issues are triggered. While that may be true, there were actually tangible things that happened and that why I was pissed. So he ask me to tell me what those things were. So, I told him the the examples from the last three months of showing up an my appointments were either cancelled or I he was really late, like 40-50 mins late. I told him that lately I show up to my appointments and wonder if it will actually happen, and if it does how late will it be. That is not how therapy should feel and I need that to change. I told him especially right now, as my anxiety has been at a 10 and felt like I haven't had anybody to talk to about it for the last month because of this nonsense. So he told me he had no clue I was feeling like this and didn't know that I felt like therapy was failing me.

But from there, we really only talked about my anxiety.. which is good and bad because I really need to talk about everything from the last month, but the whole time in the back of my head I was arguing with myself as far as if I should bring the issue back up again. At the end of the appointment, he asked if I wanted to schedule or take a break from therapy. I said that I was torn because of the height of my anxiety, I need somebody, but I need that somebody to be consistent. So, he went to his computer and pulled up his schedule and looked through it. He was able to establish a time that was consistent that he will always be in the office before my appointment.

So, although we did talk about the incidents and he did establish a better more consistent appointment t I still feel like we just glossed over my anger and sadness and didn't really explore it as much as I thought we would. Or, hear affirmation from him that he understood why I was so pissed and he was sorry. I think I need that.. So, I am scheduled to see him next week and I need that to be the focus of the appointment. and I am still considering making an appointment with the other t as well.


Comments/questions are welcomed.

Healed84--it's good that you got to talk about your anxiety, but what a bummer that you didn't really get to discuss the anger and sadness over your T's inconsistency. I hope you are able to talk about it in a subsequent appointment. Might be good to have an appointment with the other T just to see, or to discuss the anger with someone who is able to hear it. I would be upset if someone was that inconsistent with me. I mean we go to therapy expecting the other person to show up and to reasonably be on time. That seems like a no brainer. I'm sorry that happened to you. HUGS Kit

Hugs, Healed...I'm glad you were at least able to get some of your feelings out. I had the same thing happen with ex-MC at one point, where I would start to doubt that each session would happen until we were actually sitting in his office (because he had to cancel so often). And the one time, we even got to his office, and he said he'd have to end after 20 minutes (he didn't charge us). And he'd often be 15 minutes or more late to get us (and seemed to not even bother apologizing after a certain point, which I finally brought up with him). It really affected the therapy.

Maybe you could sort of set a trial period in your head, like "OK I'll give T a month and see how it goes." Or you could try a session with the other T you contacted, see what it feels like? I mean, when I switched to current T, it was only intended to be temporary, but I'm glad I tried that and ended up staying with him. Even if I'd ended up going back to ex-T, seeing him for a couple months still would have been helpful to get a different perspective. So maybe try at least meeting the other T, see what you feel like?

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He was wearing jeans, which he only occasionally wears. He apologized for us having to change our time, saying he hadn't realized his son had a half-day (D does too--same school system). I said was OK (feeling better that it was because of his son than due to another client). I mentioned doing research on stuff from 3 years ago, trying to figure out what other things had happened around the time that I'd been unfaithful to H, looking at postings on PC, emails to ex-T and ex-MC, etc. T: "You must have quite an archive then." Me: "Yeah. And you should be glad my emails to you are nowhere length of those to ex-T. They were ridiculously long. No wonder she got upset with me." T: "That was on her to say something, not you." Me: "Yeah, but I should have realized."

T said that if she didn't say anything about it being an issue, it was completely natural for me to continue sending them, even making them longer. T: "If no one says what you're doing is wrong, it's human nature to push boundaries and is often subsconscious." Me: "OK. I mean, I know I've probably done a bit of that with you, too..." T: "But it's normal to do that." Me: "OK. With ex-T though...I'm sure I told you this before. But she didn't say anything until once--I mean, she didn't usually respond, but then she replied to a couple less-important ones in a row. Then there was one that I thought was really important that she didn't reply to. Plus she had seemed to be acting weird to me, like more distant. And that led me to ask, and that's when she said that they kept getting longer and longer and were taking up too much of my time."

T: "You know there's a term for how she was acting toward you." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Like when she was acting differently toward you but not telling you why. That would be passive-aggressive." Me: "Oh. Yeah, I'm used to that from my mom. You mean in her only telling me she was upset about the email length when I asked?" T: "No, that part was more aggressive. I mean the acting differently toward you, not replying to emails, like thinking you'd get the hint without coming out and saying what she was thinking." Me: "But I would think as a T, she might be more direct. Plus I get the sense she's pretty direct in real life."

T: "OK, I'm going to say something, but I don't want you to think this applies to things with our relationship. Because it doesn't." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "But sometimes, someone might tell someone they're unhappy about something, then their reaction might make them not want to share that in the future. Like, for example, with ex-T, if she'd started to say the emails were getting long and then you started crying or otherwise seemed upset, she might be reluctant to say anything again. Not that I'm saying that's OK. It's more of an explanation for why she might have done that." Me: "I probably did get upset if she said something." T: "Again, this does not apply to our relationship." Me: "OK, thanks for making sure I realize that. I assume you would just be honest with me, no matter how I reacted." T: "If I told you something and you got upset about it, then we'd discuss your reaction." Me: "Yeah, I guess we've done that before." T: "Yes we have. And I think it worked out OK, right?" Me: "Yes."

I went back to the stuff from 3 years ago. I said what led to me doing the search was . I said I'd been really emotional about it and had thought maybe H had reacted to it poorly, which could have led to me feeling distant, but it turned out he understood because of a similar experience with someone he knew. I also realized that a woman close to my late grandfather, who I'm called aunt despite her not being relative, had passed away a few days before. And I'd felt guilt for not being in touch with her much after my grandfather died 15 years ago (she lived 4 hours away).

I told T how H and I had also had a big fight about money around that time. And how we'd rescheduled ex-MC that week because of an impending snowstorm. That I'd told H that I felt like we could have just waited a week, but that I was struggling with the grief stuff and that ex-MC had a calming effect on me. And H had said, "I know he has a calming effect on you, and I'm not 100% comfortable with that." T: "Oh! He said that? Did he explain what he meant by that?" Me: "Not really, I tried to ask, and he just repeated what he said."

I said we did address it in the ex-MC session, which was the afternoon of when I was unfaithful. Me: "I keep saying unfaithful. Maybe I should be saying 'cheated' because 'unfaithful' sounds less bad. It's like I'm whitewashing it...wait that's not the word." T: "No, that's the right word. And 'cheating' and 'unfaithful' mean the same thing to me, so." Me: "OK."

I said how in session, H had just said he was "99% comfortable with it" which felt different to me. T: "Maybe he had more time to think about it? Or maybe he hadn't really thought about it at all." Me: "Yeah, I don't know. But ex-MC tried to ask him about it in session, and he said something about transference and how it just made the hair on his neck stand up. Which...I don't know if he was trying to suggest he thought there was something else in my feelings for ex-MC." T: "It's hard to say. You could have asked, I guess." Me: "But that would have put me in a weird position, sitting between him and ex-MC..." T: "Yeah." Me: "Maybe he realized there was something else there at the time?" T: "It's hard to say."

I said how in that session, ex-MC had kept saying it wasn't him that had the calming effect on me, but how H was to me in there. And how it had felt very invalidating, but that I'd felt I couldn't really say anything back because it would just be awkward.

T said he could understand H feeling uncomfortable, like if his wife said she was getting that sort of need met from someone else. Because it would suggest he wasn't giving her something she needed. He said it was like if I said to H "I really need a laugh right now, so I'm going to hang out with these friends," suggesting that H couldn't give me the laugh. Me: "I'd think especially if it was a male friend." T: "I was trying to take that part out of it, just that other people were meeting needs that H couldn't." Me: "Oh OK."

Talked more about ex-MC, what happened at end, where maybe just then he realized that I had more romantic feelings for him. But I felt like I'd shared love feelings for him before. T: "But maybe it didn't really hit him until that email. You might have shared it before, but he thought it was something else." Me: "Yeah. And he did eventually say that before he thought it was paternal love, but the email felt like something else." T: "Oh, he actually said that?" Me: "Yeah." T: "If he'd realized it earlier, he probably should have referred you out." Me: "Yeah...but I mean, when we first met to discuss the transference, fairly early on, I'd told him it wasn't just paternal." T: "But maybe he still thought it was." Me: "Yeah." T: "Though...even after he did realize your feelings, after that email, he still wanted to keep you on as clients." Me: "Hm...yeah. If he'd referred us out earlier, he would have saved me a lot of pain..." I forget what he said to that.

Me: "I also keep thinking...ex-MC kept saying I should work on the transference with ex-T. But then she wasn't really helping. And ex-T wasn't helping with some other stuff either. I feel I wasted a lot of time spinning my wheels with her. Like I wish I'd left her earlier to see...whether you or someone else. Though maybe if I'd seen you a few years ago, I'd have met with you a few times and then just been like, 'nope!'" T: "That could have been the case. I think you may have needed that time spinning your wheels. You may have needed that to really be ready for change, to move forward. A few years ago, it may not have been the right time." Me: "OK that helps to hear. I just worry I was wasting time. Though...it was like I needed that one thing to happen with ex-MC canceling again and me not wanting to wait a week to get me to make appointment with you. So, maybe it was just the right timing." T: "Yes, it could be."

We had about 10 minutes left. Ended up on topic of my unhealthy emotional dependency on ex-MC, which we both agreed was a thing. How ex-MC had seemed more passive (in saying he was OK with my contact whenever I checked in, accepting other things) rather than passive-aggressive or aggressive. And I said I didn't really know what his boundaries were, what was OK, what wasn't. T said his being unclear on his boundaries was an issue. Me: "So is there healthy emotional dependency?" T: "Yes, there can definitely be healthy emotional dependency. It would need to be in a two-way relationship, like spouses, friends, to some extent parents and children, coworkers. It can be healthy to have some emotional dependency on someone. To have that connection. Otherwise, what do you have?" Me: "Yeah, I guess if you don't have any dependency, it's not a real relationship." T: "Yes, it's good for people to be able to depend on each other."

Me (asking horribly loaded question with 5 minutes to go): "So, the therapeutic relationship is basically just one-way. So...what does a healthy therapeutic relationship look like then?" I think I may have dissociated a bit during his response because I was so stressed about his reply. He said something about it staying within the boundaries of the therapeutic space...or something? Like nothing that would push the therapist to go beyond the boundaries they're comfortable with? I don't know...But I couldn't really ask him to elaborate because we were out of time.

Confirmed Wed.--T said I could still cancel up to 24 hours before if I preferred Thursday (birthday) or Friday. I thanked him, we scheduled for the following Mon/Thurs. T: "I don't know if I told you this, but I'll be away the week of Feb. 18." Me: "You said you'd be away late Feb., but not specifically when." T: "OK, so it will be a week, and I'll be checking email once a day--like if you miss when I'm checking it, would be until next day." Me: "OK." T: "and I won't have phone/text access." Me: "OK." he said he'd have a T as backup if I wanted, for a session, phone call, etc. That I could think about it. He'd just need to know in advance as he'd want to give her brief background on me, not full file, just basics. But I had 3 weeks to decide.

Went over and paid. I'd said earlier that I thought I may have a bit of a cold, so we didn't shake hands. T: "I hope you get through tomorrow OK" (referring to anniversary). Me: "Thanks." Headed out. Kept thinking about the healthy emotional dependency only being in 2-way relationship. Which made me worry about my relationship with him. Ended up having email exchange, where T said he didn't think I had an unhealthy dependency on him and said he probably shouldn't have used the word "dependency," which can have negative connotations, because he meant something more like "connection." And that he may have confused us both, and he would think more about what he meant before our session tomorrow (a day early, due to my birthday Thursday), so he could clarify. I do appreciate his willingness to self-reflect--I feel that was something that ex-MC was lacking.

Comments generally OK, EXCEPT please nothing about whether you think I have an unhealthy emotional dependency on T. As that will not be helpful to me. Thanks.

LT, I think it's uncool that your ex T didn't tell you that the email length was bothering her and started acting differently toward you. I used to email former T some pretty long ones sometimes, and sometimes shorter ones, but she never acted differently toward me. I would have been hurt if she did. Also, I like how your T made sure to let you know that what he was talking about didn't apply to your relationship with him. It's good that he was very clear about that. You got to talk about a lot of stuff during your appointment. I feel like I don't get through that much stuff with my appointment. Your T sounds like he stays very on topic. Sometimes with the T I have now, I feel like I have to get her back to what I was talking about. I also think it's good your T can self-reflect. That's a good quality. He's careful about what he says and to say what he means, it sounds like. Those are good qualities. As usual, good write up LT. HUGS Kit

LT, thinking about writing T's emails, and what they prefer, my former T did tell me to not write her in Latin but after I had written her several times in Latin. But she said she couldn't read it. I guess I could see her viewpoint! Just thought I'd share. It really didn't matter to me that she couldn't read it. I was writing in Latin because I was really distressed but I guess if she couldn't read it, she felt like it wasn't worth communicating. We never did talk about what my writing in Latin meant. Just thinking about that. Kit

So met this new clown today.

He is blah but perfect for not attaching, and not giving a **** about. He asked me right away about my T's name and where he worked etc, I refused all that and said there will be no identifying info and said, in my mind, he wasn't wrong, it's not worth destroying his life. I love him and I appreciated so much of how he was with me. However at one point he said "You could really **** him up and report him" and that scared the **** outta me so I became quiet and now I'm paranoid as hell that he knows him and will report him and everything will be worse, I literally can't live with myself if anything like that happened cuz of me.

Anyway... the only bits I shared was like stuff I said here "We texted often and it was rarely about therapy" I think I said thousands of texts. I said we talked every week outside the session. I mentioned how we hugged every session and how he claimed that I was the first person he told about his new job, he even had clients before me that he didn't tell. I mentioned how he left the career right before Christmas. So now I'm sick over what if he knows him by that alone? What if I ruined the man I love's life? Good lord...

Anyway... it was interesting because in that little bit he seemed to think that T not only thought of me as a friend (In his words, "You were a good friend to him") but he thinks part of why he left and cut off the contact for 2 years, was he had romantic feelings for me and wasn't sure how to manage them. It was interesting because he said something about how "I don't even think there is a law or anything about keeping in contact with a client"

He asked if things ever became sexual. He asked how much experience I had with romantic partners and if this felt like that or a break up, which is always so fun to say I've had none. He asked why that was and if I ever thought I'd change. (i said no, especially not after this ****)

He said that he thinks if we ever saw each other again, it would be like nothing changed. He kept it to 50 min exactly which is fine because after he suggested reporting him, I got quiet and backed off anyway and just wanted to flee. I don't think this guy will work for me, and I'm not sure I can talk to anyone about it, it's too risky with sharing info. He had a opening next Thurs so I took it for now but I'm very much feeling I will cancel by then. I overall regret it and think it was as terrible idea, now I'm filled with paranoia about T getting reported.