Aftermath of termination

So after 2mth notice, we had the final session 2 days ago. We spoke prior about keeping it as light as possible and ending on a good note, because In general or at least up until she told me she was leaving we did do good work together and I felt we did have a good connection etc.
However I struggled throughout the session, i have had many hard moments in life but that goes down as one of the worst. I sat there the hole time in panic and fear over walking out. She nearly had to push me out I think Cos I couldn't actually bring myself to leave.
I am deeply mortified at this but I just lost all control that I own. I knew it was going to be hard to walk away and say goodbye forever, but not like that.
As a result we will not have an email or phone check in as originally planned because she thinks that it will just keep up the pain of the enviable goodbye, but I feel that was the only thing that kept me half sane.

So I've spent these last two days in complete torture, I be ok for a few mins then a wave of panic will hit and I can't cope. I don't know how I become so attached to someone to the sense I need them like I need her. It's not what I have ever done, I'm always so good at maintaining distance around others.

The only good thing that has come out of it is that my best friend who we normally rely solely on jokes and banter, realised what it was gonna do and stayed by my side allday yesterday, but it still doesn't seem enough somehow when all I want to do is reach out to T.

I wrote her an email after session, it was long and it was open. There was never gonna be enough words to explain but I do feel better that I sent it. I dunno if she will ever read and I know I will never get a response, but I think that's what I had to do for me.

She has encouraged that I find another T to talk about the loss and grief of her, I dunno if it's what I want because like I say I just want her, but i did see a T yesterday and I saw her when I first found out. She was really nice and very kind, but it's not the same. I really just hope that over time things gradually improve and with the help of new T I can get over this.

At the same time, I don't want to get over this, I don't want to imagine a life where I'm never gonna see her again, I can't! So I'm kinda just in this big fat mess that I never expected to be in.

Anyway my panic is off the scale right now which is why I'm writing on here, I think writing helps sometimes but also just the support and acceptance from others.

I think many ppl, and I'm including many Ts and in particular my own, do not get how the loss can affect someone so great. I feel like one of the most important ppl have died, but they haven't, they just chose to take themselves away forever.

I can relate on many levels. I personally think it's harder to lose someone who is still alive than to someone who died. I can understand and accept death as a part of life, but to lose someone and know that they're going on with their life just without you... that's a hard pill to swallow.

There is hope though! I thought ex-T was the best T I had...until she abandoned me and I was able to look back on the relationship. Current T is so much better than ex-T. I found current T when ex-T abandoned me. I wasn't really looking for a permanent T, but I found one. And we have a great relationship.

I'm so sorry winterblues, sending you warm hugs!

Thanks for your reply. I personally think the same it's harder to lose this person alive to death, because death isn't a choice or a rejection, this feels very personal. I know it sounds really bad and obviously I'm not wishing death on anyone, but I do think this actually has hurt me more!

I'm glad you managed to move forward, how long has it been since ex-t left? I'm hoping over time I can get past it in similar way, I'm hoping that I can grow to like the new T and actually see her as my T, but all I can see is the exT is my T and no one else can fill that!

I keep picturing her smile of the warmth in her eyes when she looks at me, and I honestly can't get to grips about not having or seeing that again.

Going through something similar now. It has made me want to go back to how I was before, and distance myself from people. It has shown me how fake therapy really is... and I can't ever do it again. I'm angry I ever allowed myself to go and wish we could have met any other way, because HE is who/what I miss, not therapy.

I'm sorry it's so hard but you sound like you have a great friend, so hopefully that helps you get through it a bit and you are braver than me to see a new T. I can't do that ever again... so I admire that courage, hope it helps you

Yeah I know you also going through this whole ******** termination experience, I think you are handling it so well though, and I really find some strength that you have shown. Right now all feels lost though.
It has aldo made me want to go back to who I was, and I think before therapy I had little trust in ppl and saw them as means to hurt me, even not purposely but just hurt me.. The goal of T was partially to learn that this is not the case and I was encouraged to trust and rely on others, so I'm kinda confused how ending like she did has taught me anything than what I previously believed, people hurt people, so why allow people close and put yourself in a position of vulnerability.

I don't think I'm braver seeing a new T, I actually think you are the brave one. My actual T was the one convincing me to see this new one, she thinks I need to work through this with someone. Who knows? But I know that therapy is flawed so least I go in with an open mind, I will not trust or let this person close, I will attend and hope that she can keep me stable in the coming weeks, but I'm done with everything else!

One thing I discovered when I had to leave one great therapist and move on (it actually happened twice), was that there were other great therapists out there who also had the ability to help me, be supportive, and help me progress. In fact, I think perhaps it was of great benefit to me to have changed therapists along the way. I didn't know it at the time. I was certain I'd never find another therapist as good as the one before. But I did. I was certain I would miss them forever. But I didn't.

I will never find another Mom or another sister. They are gone forever without hope of ever having another mother or sister for that companionship and support and relationship.

No doubt other good therapists are out there but I have no further interest in therapy. Hopefully the new one op has found helps her

As for caring, I can't speak for op but yes I struggle with feeling care or love from anyone who isn't a dog
For me I didn't care for a while with t. Then we got closer and I asked him if he cared because I felt it. He said he did. He said that everyone has value even if they don't see it. It really was helpful to believe someone actually cared and I mattered but knowing it has ended because I was merely a job is hurtful. Knowing he could just give up what we had so easily because paranoia was more important really sucks. As much as it helped to believe at the time, reflecting on the reality of it all and knowing I didn't matter anymore than a piece of garbage on the street and knowing he didn't care like I thought has sadly only refueled my life long beliefs. I will stick with dogs. People can't be trusted

Is it possible to request from her a drawing up of an action plan? She really ought to have been setting you up for success and done this without you having to ask. She also ought to have referred you to or recommended another psychologist or office. Just my opinion here but I am gathering she let you down. I am sorry to hear this.

I think all you are experiencing is part of the normal grief and it is really painful. I am sure trusting somebody new is difficult. It has been for me as well. The way I am handling it is to be honest with my new T. She knows it had really triggered my abandonment and lack of trust issues. She knows that has also really made me put up a wall between almost everybody in my life where I don't want to be vulnerable and attached to people. It has definitely affected our working relationship but she is helping me through.

Please dont take the next part as anything other than my personal experience.

As somebody who lost a T to sudden death I dont agree it is easier at least, for me. There was absolutely no warning. I was scheduled to meet with her 3 days later and had discussed some things in email that we were going to work on , I never had the opportunity to say good bye or thank you, I had absolutely no type if closure, as far as abandonment ment feelings it definitely triggered a lot of that for me. Logically I know she didnt want to leave and we would be working together...but when it comes to things like this emotions often overtake logic

I hear you. I had to stop seeing my T of 10 years in September because she got sick with MS and couldn't continue therapy. It is absolutely one of the hardest things in my life. I hear your pain and I hear your panic. It's hard to imagine life without that person. I too find myself wanting to pull back from people (including new T) because of not wanting to be hurt in that way again. It's really excruciating. So I hear you. And I feel for you. Sending you lots of HUGS Kit

Kit

Pulling back and being distant is how I've lived my life. It's sadly the only way to really protect yourself so it ok if you need to as well.

Are you allowed contact with yours at all?

Yes, she said I could email occasionally. But she hasn't responded to the last two so I have no way of knowing if she read them, if she just doesn't want to respond, if she's hurt, sick, etc. If I were stronger, I wouldn't email. It's so hard on me when I don't hear back from her. I'm scared she's going to say I can't email anymore and then she will truly be gone. It sucks because at our last session she was talking like, you never know, sometime in the future...maybe even a phone call, etc. My heart breaks all over again. Kit

I'm so sorry you are facing this, and I can feel the panic through the words. I used to do a lot of work wth Project Adventure/ Association For Grieving Children, and through that I learned that the brain can't determine well at that level of pain if the problem is physical or emotional. Be so kind to yourself, like you were in a car accident. It is cell-deep that as a species, we fear separation and seek to avoid it . However this acute suffering will pass, and the panic will ease. Grief is a huge experience, and the loss of attachment is so shocking to the system. I wish there was a way to help.

I'm so sorry for everyone who lost their T's in horrible ways. I do think you guys have it harder than I do. My T died but not unexpectedly. He prepared me for months. We had a chance to say goodbye. So my experience is different, and in many ways easier, than nottrustrin's.

I think the biggest difference for me is that I don't really feel abandoned by my T. I know he didn't choose to leave me. He told me he was sorry to leave me. He obviously didn't have a choice.

I don't think Kit's T had a choice either. But emailing her and not getting a response and wondering if she's hurt or sick... Oh man, that's gotta be so hard. I don't think I could handle that.

So in many ways, it is easier for me. This is weird for me to say because losing my T was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced, and I would do anything to have him back. But, yeah, I can see that you guys have it harder. To have the person be alive but not be able to contact them, or maybe you can contact them but when they don't respond you have to wonder if they're okay--that's really, really hard.

What happened to nottrustin is also horrible because that kind of sudden, unexpected death causes traumatic grief.

I think I had it easy in some ways...

To give her her due, she tried and wanting to refer and recommend me another. She spent our last few weeks trying to help me with all that but I refused all avenues, and said i don't want to continue with anything else.
So she did try to get me further help etc. The thing is like DP has also been saying, it's hard to now move forward and trust in the therapy process when you had a T that you feel is so caring ad stable decide to leave you.

I do know she had reasons for her leave, and I know it wasn't meant to be forever however I feel very let down due to the timing of her leaving. It's a long story but I been working towards something that will be happening in 5 weeks, and I never once doubted she would not be there at that point to see me through it.

I have seen another T that I found myself. I'm hoping that having her for the next few weeks might ease everything a little but I don't know how it can, i need exT Cos she knows me inside out, and she knows the right things I Need to hear, but I also know I need to see this other T right now because I am not emotionally strong or stable enough to get through the next 5 weeks alone.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, support etc. Firstly I want to apologise to those that have lost their own Ts from death or illness, I remember reading posts at the time about this and feeling so sad but also so thankful that it didn't happen to me, because honestly it's traumatic and damaging and I can't imagine the struggle and strength it takes.

Of course I don't wish death or illness or anything bad on T, she has always been an amazing person to me, and she deserves all the love and happiness she can. I think she put herself into that profession because she does genuinely care about people and does want to help which is an admirable thing, however I do feel very hurt right now, and I do question her care. I know while I was there she showed me 100% care, kindness and commitment. I could see it, feel it and sense it.
I also feel I'm quite good at reading ppl so I know the care was there. However that care seems to be able to just vanish and they are able to move on and carry on without a second thought. This is the part I don't understand, because if I care about someone, I wouldn't be able to do that.
Now I know it different and it's a job, but it's a job that has to have a sense of closeness and care, I know they are trained to deal with that and trained to be able to walk away as such, but I don't understand that bit at all!

The part about not understanding how a T can walk away from somebody without q second thought is exactly why I am really reluctant to go into social work. For me though I know it has to do with my attachment and abandonment issues.

I know it us really hard to trust after the loss. I get very frustrated when Emdr T disnt know something that I feel she should. Especially if it is something very painful and I have to go through the pain of feeling her

IIME it does get a little easier over time as long as the T is patient and can handle my frustration.

I'm really glad that you found the strength to carry on, to learn to trust after loss and make yourself go through all the pain again with emdr T.

The one I saw seems nice and patient and reassuring, yet in my head I just need my T!