T withdraw?

I haven't seen mine since mid December. She went on vacation for the holidays & we were to have an appointment earlier this week. She had an emergency and had to cancel. I see her next week.

It seems that I've went through some emotional changes since seeing her last & they are puzzling to me. The first few weeks were like a roller coaster. I was panicked about not seeing her & didn't know what to do with myself. Last week, I was counting down the days and feeling hopeful because it was almost over. Since the cancellation, I'm mostly numb aside from being worried about her and hoping the emergency was nothing serious.

I don't understand these emotions and why it matters so much to me. I also feel that with time passing, it's almost like the emotions that were stirred up in therapy have closed up. I don't think I feel as open about talking with her as I did a month ago.

What the hell?

I feel very much like this on big breaks. I stress for the dirst two weeks about when I’ll go back. But if it’s longer than 2 weeks, I kind of stop caring about it all and move on. I still have gone back because I have work to do. But I get to the point where I think, I just can’t be bothered to open it all up again.
Next week will come before you know it. sometimes if I’m really struggling with the time between sessions, I begin a book and read some of it when those feelings come up. Quickly, the next session comes around.

What the...is right!! This is what happened to me when my T left town to deal with a family issue. At first, it was a very big deal and I did my best to keep the connection going -- with phone sessions, and then very unsatisfactory emails, and finally...it just went bad.

I think there is some kind of expiration date on the whole therapy experience and it just wears thin, frays and ....poof.

Like you, I would not feel open at all to talking to my T. The emotions that were stirred up ..closed up.

I hear you. I've had that experience before and it sucks. I hope when you do have your appointment that it will go well and things get back on track. HUGS Kit

Something similar happened to me last year for Christmas. Initially, my feelings were raw, almost unbearable! I was extremely depressed during Christmas. However by mid January, I didn't feel like returning to therapy at all and I almost had to force myself. I got very attached again and now I miss my T again,although a little less than a week ago.

I'm looking forward to the appointment & hope that I feel the same as you. I don't want to lose the connection that was so hard to find & finally feel like I would get somewhere in therapy.

Thanks

There's a part of me that's angry about the whole "opening up and closing up". I'm not angry with T, just at the situation. I guess it's not realistic to think they will be there all the time. Maybe I'll strategically enact a pre-vacation close up plan next time

That whole cycle of emotions you described can be fairly typical as a response to a therapist break, particularly for people who have an insecure attachment style. The detachment that comes after the initial panic/distress is an adaptive response to enable you to carry on without so much pain. It's like an emotional protection.
When the therapist returns it can take a week or a few to open up again... it's typical to be especially guarded and closed in the first session back.
I personally found it helpful to learn about and recognize this pattern in myself because it helped me feel less like an emotional freak whenever my previous therapist went away (which was a lot).
Whenever I was in the protective detached phase it felt like I would never be able to trust or feel vulnerable with my T again (which was the purpose of that whole adaptive response) but with much repetition of that cycle I learned to trust that I definitely would be able to after a week or a few.

Thank you for that response. I have been feeling very insecure and it's not normal for me to feel that way about other people. Maybe I need to look a little deeper.

Yes, I think you will be able to reconnect with him. I plan to have just a light first season after the break. Just to warm up. Maybe you could think of some easy topics to chat about? I'll probably talk about my hobbies, about a paid Facebook advert I made for my business and just sum up what happened since last session. I definitely won't jump right into deep stuff immediately. I know from experience I'll get attached very soon again :-) I hope it will be the same for you too :-)

I'm with you on what the hell? I've had a 4 week break with first session back on Monday and I'm like really? Why? I don't need this. I don't need you. This is after like months of working up to the break and feeling abandoned etc. Defo insecure attachment. I was thinking of probably just sit there and act out but I like the suggestion made of a light session, no pressure, just talk. Also telling her I feel this way but asking not to go into it that first session. It's certainly a more functional way of dealing with it! Esp now this thread has given me awareness of the issue!

I'm.also dreading all the emotions that therapy stirs up. I've not been great this last few weeks but am like managing so am like why start that all over again! Even though I know it's helped. Ah well trauma eh?

Thanks. Sometimes it's just nice to know I'm not the only one. Hope things go well on Monday! I'm Monday as well.