Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

I'm often not sure why you react strongly to the lines that you do. Why those things?
Like even objectively if I was reading those things and someone else had written them, I would find it pretty upsetting and even heartbreaking, but those wouldn't be the specific lines that would make me stop and sigh sadly.
Is it actually those lines, or more of a cumulative thing?

L, I wish we could talk right now so I could use these words that I've just realized this morning: I'm going through something that I don't want your help with. How weird is that. I truly feel that I just need to sink down into this and wrestle it out inside myself for awhile. Maybe I'm finally doing that individuation thing inside our relationship.???

I don't know. I trust you, I respect you, I adore you (all of these the "you" that you let me see; of course I don't know the non-t you) as much as ever but I just can't work through this particular "thing" with you. I just can't. Thank you for understanding and saying I should call when I'm ready to come back.

Dear T,

You said it was strange that all of a sudden I was having conflicting feelings. Truth is they weren't sudden and it's nothing new, I was just finally able to open up about it for the first time.

-Butterfly

haven't left my bed today, t. just waiting for a more "appropriate" time to go back to sleep.

I'm going to keep a special journal as I work through this stuff. Maybe write some poems about it. And hopefully find the way to be ok with it, be adult about it, and perhaps even talk about it with you at some point. I feel like I need to apologize for making it so that you had to say those things. Like I shouldn't have needed you to. I'm also sorry for not being as serious as you want me to be. I think I am serious about it but you don't. Well hell. It's not like there's a handbook.

It's okay though you know. I'm okay. Just onea those things I guess. I've grown so much in the work that we did together. So much that I know I will find my way through this, whether or not I see you again. We shoulda had that talk a looooooooong time ago you know.

I want to say it's you that's changed
But I know that isn't true
It's me beginning to rearrange
The life I thought I knew.

I'm not sure where I fit just now,
Don't know what I should do.
No longer can I disavow
These feelings for you.

I thought that they were gone, you know.
How foolish of me! Still,
I trusted you and let them show
I didn't have the will

To keep them hidden anymore.
You were surprised, I think
They hadn't come out like this before
and left me on the brink

Of something bigger to be found.
Can the searching happen here?
Has this relationship unwound?
I'm not sure WHAT I fear.

Yeah this is what happens when I poem instead of sleeping....

You wanna see me serious? Look now.

ED TW

I know you're away on retreat this weekend, so I'm super stoked that you sent me a text. And also, I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

L, I want to talk to youuuuuuu.

Exhausted

Really upset by what you said...

I'm scared and tired.

This ache for you has grown worse. I too am ashamed of the way I feel about you.

Hugs Lemoncake.

I really feel alone, even though my family is here. I don't mind feeling alone. What I mind is the fact that sometimes I just hate my job. A lot of people tell me how well I do at the job, but it means nothing to me, well it does feel good, but it doesn't change the fact that i wish I had chosen another profession. Last week a teacher put a student into my class because he said he didn't get along with him. So, when I went to give him an extra student, he picked the student who was the easiest and was doing the best. Mind you, I have no qualms taking the student at all. The male teacher is at a bit of a higher position than me. So, what I despise is the fact that I feel taken advantage of. I generally am too depressed to be happy going to work. I change tunes when I am with my students. It's too late for me to change careers. I am kind of in mourning for never having known who I was and what I wanted to do until it was too late. I think my mental illness wouldn't have been so horrible if I had a job I was really, really interested in. If I had money, I would go back to school. I am looking for something to volunteer for in the related field I would like to go in, but I haven't found much. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow, I feel imprisoned by my work situation. Maybe I am just too negative and need to change my outlook. But I'm so depressed. So tired of pushing forward when I just want to give up.

help me. help me.

Dear T,
I was tempted to email to see if you have other options in the next couple days in case the weather is too bad for me to want to come in tomorrow. But then, if I was going to just ask and not reschedule right now, I figured, what was the point? So, gonna sit with the weather anxiety...
Love,
LT