Therapist not smiling

My therapist is still working from out of state, so we do phone and video therapy. We've been stuck on an issue for a couple of sessions since last Friday. When we talked on Monday (an add on session), she was still chuckling over the phone. She said it was an affectionate chuckle. But on Wednesday, she had no smiles on her face and looked serious. When I turn on my video, she would always wave at me. But she didn't do that on Wednesday. She later said that she's frustrated that we're stuck. Although she said that she doesn't know why she didn't wave when I went on video, I'm guessing has to do with her frustration. The session on Wednesday didn't go well.

We're supposed to have our regular therapy this evening - 9 hours away from now. I texted her if she's still feeling frustrated because I wouldn't come in if so. I still need warmth and a smile even though there's tension in our relationship and work now. She responded saying, "I'm available if you want to talk then. But I won't be able to text until then though." So now I feel like I'm trapped in a Catch 22 situation.

I need to feel safe going in. But if I'm going to be met with a straight face or if she's still frustrated, then I think that space and a break would be good. I don't think it's too much for clients to want to see a smile on their therapist's face to feel safe? There's a whole thread on here about it.

Personally I would go to the session. If you are struggling this is the perfect opportunity to address it.

Our session on Wednesday didn't go well. I was already flustered and worried to begin with, and seeing her pulling a straight face and not smiling or waving like she always does only made me feel more uneasy. If that's how it's going to be today, I don't want go to in because it'd just be a cycle. I want to go in and work things out, but I don't think we would go anywhere productive if she doesn't feel any warmth and is going to pull a straight face.

She thinks that I'm analyzing her countertransference, so she doesn't want to share why is it that she didn't wave or smile, and doesn't want to tell me if she's still frustrated or not today. But I think it's important for me to know whether she's still in a state where I'm going to be met with a straight face and no usual smiles. I need to be able to feel safe coming in. She always smiles. She didn't on Wednesday, I'm guessing because she's serious or frustrated. Who knows. That's for her to figure out. I just need to know that I can have the warmth and smile that every patient needs to feel safe and comfortable.

I think that even if there's tension in our relationship and our work now, warmth can still exist in this difficult situation. Is there room for it? If not, then there's no point in me going in today. If yes, then good, I feel like it's more promising if I go in.

And I've got three assignments and projects to work on over this long weekend. I'd rather dedicate my time to those assignments than having 1 hour 30 minutes of double session therapy today. Moreover, I need to feel safe coming in, too, because if the session goes badly, it's going to be hard for me to focus and be productive on these projects over the weekend.

i think for her to tell you that she's frustrated was kinda unprofessional. She is in charge of her own emotions and she is there providing a service to you-therapy so she should be able to keep her own emotions out of it.

I hope you two can work quickly through this. I think it would be good to still go to the session and tell her how you feel. She needs to keep her emotions out of the therapy, it's your therapy she is there to help you through what ever you bring to the session. She also needs to know you do not feel safe going into the session. If she is unwilling to listen and be able to work through this then you might have to find another therapist. Hugs

I have been working with this therapist for a little over three years now. If this doesn't work out, I won't be entering therapy again. I'm not going to invest time, effort, energy, and money into something like this again. I've had in the past and it didn't work out either. This is the longest therapist with whom I've worked.

I think that a perfect therapist would be one who could keep their emotions out of the therapy session. But I also recognize that they're human and therefore imperfect. I'm not seeking perfection. Just some signs that it's safe enough to go in. Because her telling that she's available if I want to talk later doesn't make me feel promising, you know.

If I go in today, I risk jeopardizing my ability to focus and be productive all long weekend on the three assignments and projects I need to work on. If I don't go in today, the further I would withdraw and who knows when I'd go in again. Because in the three years, not once have I ever not went in. But this time I'm really on the edge.

Oh, and the therapist said that me noticing that she didn't smile or wave as usual when I went on video is a nuance and subtlety. ?!?! Noticing that your therapist didn't smile or wave when it's something that s/he always does is by no means a nuance or subtlety. Wtf.

I'm a bit confused. Are all of your sessions via video? You talk about going in for a session so I can't quite tell.

I would think video would feel very awkward to some people which might be part of the issue.

I just got a text from her that reads, "Something has come up at my end and I am fortunately need to reschedule our session. I apologize. I will try to make a Saturday time available to replace it but I will have to be in touch with you about that later on."

This is the first time in three years that she is canceling a session the same day. She also made a typographical error "I am fortunately" instead of "I unfortunately." Is that purely a typographical error or is that a Freudian slip? She feels fortunate that she has to cancel our appointment. ?!?!

That suggests to me an autocorrect error, since she was texting. My phone does some really weird autocorrects. I wouln't take it personally at all. I'm sorry she had to cancel--I wonder if something is going on in her personal life that's causing her to be more distant/less aware of things like waving and smiling, which is connected to the cancellation? Not in an attempt to excuse her, but to suggest it might not be so much about you.

Hi mindmechanic. I would assume the typo is just a typo. No need to let your mind go places it doesn't need to. It's really easy to have a typo in text, or sometimes the phone auto-corrects to something you don't mean and then you don't catch it. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want your T to smile and to be generally warm in her interactions with you. I would find that disconcerting and want to pull away (that doesn't mean you should do that though). I would probably still go to the session (whenever it is rescheduled for) but talk about the need for the usual warmth to be there in order for there to be safety. I think these are important things. HUGS if you want them. Kit

She said it's dictation error and that it's a health matter in the family. It must be the grandchild who's sick. At this point, I don't even want a rescheduled session on Saturday.

This sounds like the first time in 3 years she's not smiled, cancelled, didn't talk when you wanted. It's v v difficult when we want to see our therapists now and like normal and they should not bring their crap to sessions but are you able to practice grounding etc. It seems unusual for her and you are jumping to panic.

Even if you don’t want the session now, go ahead and schedule it. It’s easier to cancel it later if you still don’t want it than try and get a new one after saying no.

I wouldn’t read too much into the typo either. Typos happen all the time.

Typos happen all the time on the phone auto correct. You can always cancel and reschedual if Tomorrow does not work for you hugs

You don't know that it's the baby who is sick--could be one of the baby's parents, an elderly family member, etc.

It seems that where most psychotherapy align is that the relationship between the therapist and client is the key instrument facilitating the healing. You say you've been with this therapist for three years, so I imagine that your relationship is very solid or you would not have been with her for so long.
I don't personally subscribe to the belief that many seem to that indicates a therapist needs to be a constant positive person for us just because we're the client. We're asking them, and sometimes vehemently demand that they truly care for us as human beings and then want to ignore the fact that they are human beings as well when we're experiencing discomfort within the relationship. Relationships don't work that way in real life. In my opinion, a therapist that would attempt to maintain some facade of being all loving even when they are really having a tough time with us is ignoring a valuable opportunity for exploring and learning that could ultimately result in your seeing that the negatives that surely come with a real human relationship can be addressed with a positive outcome.
Do you always come with a smile and a wave? Probably not. I'm sure there are times you just do not have it in your capacity. If the two of you are "stuck" on something that's troubling, maybe you could search for the positives in that to help you feel secure about your relationship with her. That she reveals her feelings openly in this case says to me as an outside observed that you are important to her. Maybe that's her "smile and wave" in this case. Maybe searching within yourself to see what you can contribute to remedy your mutual "stuck" feelings is the best remedy and conversation you could have with her?
Be brave & trust yourself. I, for one, see an opportunity for you!

Perhaps there is something to her observation that you may be overanalyzing her every move . . . Something to consider.

The grandchild has two loving parents there for him. I don't understand why the therapist has to be there. I highly doubt it's a life or death situation. What's the purpose of her tending to him? It's not as if she has some superpower that could magically cure him. But she made her choice and in doing so, she made an implicit notion clear: we don't matter to her.

The grandchild has two loving parents there for him. Some people grew up with any parents or loving parents at all.

She can go her way and live her life. I don't need a replacement time on Saturday.

Way to go in taking things out of its context. I said it's the first time she has not canceled the same day. I didn't say it's the first time she didn't smile or talk like I wanted in three years, did I?

I wonder of the reason she didnt wave or smile is there is something in her personal life going on. Her comment about counter transferance and then needing to miss the days appointment really makes me wonder.

((mm))

What an unfortunate typo.

I wonder if the not smiling is related to the health matter in her family. Even for the most professional people, it can be awfully hard to behave completely as usual in a crisis. I hope you are able to reschedule.

When she asked what it means for her that she didn't smile, I said I don't know, it depends on why you didn't smile. I asked only because it deviated from the norm. If every time you go to a store and there's a greeter by the door, and one day the greeter isn't there, you'd wonder what's up with it. She responded saying, "You see me like I'm a store?"

If anything, she overanalyzes everything. It was only an example of something deviating from the norm and how it would be normal to ask what's up with that or wonder what's going on.

If there's tension in a relationship and someone makes an error like this, you'd wonder if they unconsciously feel fortunate they've to reschedule. She's works as as psychodynamic therapist and analyst. We're always talking about the unconscious and Freudian slip is part of it.

I don't know. That session on Wednesday. Maybe the health matter was already going on then. I don't know. Maybe it started only today, Friday, but maybe it was already happening on Wednesday.

Either way, it's helpful when therapists could just say, "Yeah, I'm just having a bad day" when clients pick up on something off about them. Makes it so much more human instead of analyzing us for something unusual that they're doing.

I like how you put it. I agree with you that some people think that therapists should always look positive or neutral and that she shouldn't have expressed her frustration. I disagree with this. Like you, I think it was a good thing because it just makes the process so much more human. And it's an opportunity for us to work through something negative with a positive outcome. Of course the ideal would be for her not to feel frustrated during the process, but she's only human. Shows that she's human. Perfection isn't always good.

One thing that bugs me is that she didn't make the connection that maybe she didn't wave or smile because she's frustrated. I feel safer if my therapist is self-aware.

And I don't see the connection of her being open and sharing that she's frustrated implies that I'm important to her. Could be the other way around, too.