The discomfort between sessions and emails

I have repeatedly told my T not to do this to me and to allow me to naturally "outgrow" a need from her. I think for me, it seems more the need to have my T be a rock I can always return to and she'll welcome me with the same openness and level of support she always has. I equate it to the child that will initially stay right at mother's side, then slowly move out and explore the world. When something stressful happens, will return to the mother in a regressed form of needs. Knowing that I can always need her at whatever level or part of me needs her is a comfort. I feel this allows me to know that it's ok for a part of me to feel scared, vulnerable, and needy at that level and to see/learn how I could respond to that part in a compassionate way rather than being critical of it.

Yes, this is what led me to increasing to 2 x a week and it did help there; the flip side was my transference became very strong, painfully strong for a while. It is not the same as it once was. I hope it helps you.

RE the no response to email. I think I would have a major problem with not getting at least what would be equivalent to an auto response indicating that the email was received/delivered. I think in the long run this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm glad to see that it is sitting ok for you as this is your therapy and what your needs are is what is important here.

I obviously would prefer a response, but I’m trying to see things from his perspective, and I also don’t love the idea of feeling like I need a response from him. Again, I may have more dramatic feelings about all of this in a couple of days. I think he wants me to know that he is getting and reading my emails without needing proof. Based on our history, I am confident that he reads them in detail and takes them seriously not only because he tells me that he does but because he is able to refer to details even from old emails. Sometimes this is hard for me to remember after I haven’t seen him for a little while. That’s the tough part.

I hope that 2x a week will help with this.

With stopping emails, your emotions are drawn out to work through in session with your T. This is how it's supposed to work in the therapy you are doing.

You hit on something here-you can't rationalize the why's. The therapy has a way of ending this intellectualizing which takes you out of that world and into your emotional side which, if you were always 'good', likely isn't well connected to yourself and expressed in the world. Your intellect has been overcompensating, and your T is helping you to express it and get to know yourself better; be more like yourself. Unfortunately, the intellectualizing is a defense and through this process it dissolves and leaves you with many painful or uncomfortable feelings.

I don't think you are being irrational; it's a normal response to having a need withheld, and a reaction just about anyone would have in this type of therapy. It can be difficult to tolerate whether one has attachment issues or not.

Also, your mind changes to tolerate distress (part of ego strength). Your T is referring to fragmentation, I think. Your T will temporarily hold your ego together through containment until yours is strong enough, related to the stuff you are reading in Winnicott.

The key is to go along with it and not fight Seriously. That doesn't mean you hold back anger, quite the opposite. I think you're doing fine.