Text terminations?

I really needed to read these words at this moment, Anne, you really might actually now why. At a certain point, even when the gaslight fades and clarity comes, you feel some sense of relief or agency that you never felt. But you also feel the crushing blow of decades of this treatment. With PTSD it is manifest in the body. My body has all the stress chemicals surging so fast continuously that I can almost feel it in my skin. I actually had an MRI for a brain thing and found out that my hippocampus region was eroded due to the excess of these chemicals. Almost physical proof, but why should I need such proof?


What kind of world do we live in?

I'm have had serious questions about why to even bother if this is life and it's purely abusive and horrible gaslighting without anything positive why even be here?

That is how far I've been pushed. Somehow, remarkably, I have survived though. And in a way a miracle. But a curse.

What do I do with this now? I have nowhere to go and no one really. I have no funds or ways to work. I was deceived by so many along the way and as an abused child does, just trusts like a stray feral cat whoever is there for the moment. So I have never experienced what the non stray cat has, home, safety, warmth, care, food, shelter, security.

I have a sense that people can pick up on this somehow, feel the vulnerability and take advantage even if seemingly caring at first. I think that is how I became so enamored of my first therapist who actually used me, had nude pictures of me, showed them to his wife who became suicidal with jealously and I was blamed, but he still pursued and actually invited me to stay in his home with his wife there. I thought he was trying to help me by giving me shelter from a dementia drunken husband but it wasn't because he had 10 years to report all the injuries and never did. Why? Because he wouldn't be paid. He told me to call 911 but he works with the university police who took me down so when I pulled the files and read that he wrote "delusions of spousal abuse" I was not just shocked, my entire guts and heart were torn out. I loved this man. He was the only bright spot in my life. The only and first person I ever trusted. Look what he did.


How can anyone move on after such betrayals of deep trust?

My court case is not really what I'm concerned about now. It is in the way and dragging on too long, but there is no evidence at all of any kind for anything. It is all that the police protected my abuser because my therapist and my husband would overreact to my upsets and call in and I would be put on a hold without justification, most of which I got out of through the legal processes in hospitals, but this is how these things happen. As soon as you enter the system, have a diagnosis, one maybe not understood, then you are labled and there is no way out.

So it's even harder with that background to fight. I am starting lose a sense that any of this is worth it. I have been so harmed and no one really cares and I'm too tired to do all the work anymore.