Did rupture/repair work for you?

Did rupture/repair work for you?

Yes, it worked for me in the sense that every rupture/repair made me feel closer to my therapist and made our relationship stronger.

It's hard to say. I'm still not completely over it and I don't know if I'll ever be. But I don't know how things would be different if it hadn't happened. I don't know if being able to be angry in a healthy and safe space and trusting that I'm allowed to be was worth the pain and continuing reservations and doubts. I don't know if I'd trust him more and feel more secure if it hadn't happened.

Mini ruptures and repairs have generally been helpful though, because there's not really long term harm and hurt once we resolve them, unlike with the big thing.

It's helpful to me to train my assertivity. Sometimes I feel closer to her, but there are some ruptures I don't consider solved at all. I try to forget them and keep working on topics that work with her.

We’ve definitely had our fair share (and then some) of ruptures, but we’ve always worked through them and it’s strengthened our relationship. Just a couple weeks ago I was really upset with him and he said it will happen again and when it does he won’t terminate, well talk about it and work through it. I feel really lucky to have a T I can be honest with and angry at (without being disrespectful) and it won’t jeopardize our relationship.

Always has in the past. This time... I'm not sure if it's even a rupture. I don't blame him, I have just reached the limit of what I can take in terms of the horrible feelings of shame and I don't want to see him. I don't know if that will change. If it does I don't know if that will be rupture/repair.

Yes, but not with the first two T's.

Sometimes. Not currently as she's salaried in public healthcare and her caseload is getting more and more heavy.

Kinda. It depends on the rupture. I'm still there and I trust her to be there and I tell her things, so that's prob a yes. At the no though I told her the feelings, so we've acknowledged the future but I'm not yet ready to address it - or other things took priority and I know she'll be there later. Prob also good old-fashioned avoidance too! Tbf to her she has circled back to it but doesn't push.

I'm not sure whether any of the things I went through with my T would qualify as 'ruptures', but we've had a few major disagreements or points where I've gotten very angry, upset or hurt due to him. For those situations, we've always talked it through and it was repaired after a while.

Rupture/Repair? I’ve had a long succession of a single visit or several to a new T, they say something awful to me (rupture?) and then I don’t go back to them. Why would I go back to a new T who says, “You never would have been happy with anyone.”? What’s the point of going back?

I don't think I've ever had anything that could be called "a rupture". Sometimes we do disagree on things, or I get irritated or defensive because of something T says and I let her know it and we talk about it and move on. A rupture sounds something much more dramatic, so I like apples.

R said once said that therapy was mainly about this and it did work for me. I've had so many now that I've actually lost count, but the longest lasted 5 weeks and was very painful.With the very first I actually thought about leaving, but I'm glad I didn't.

It just taught me that we could have issues, but I could trust that we'd work it out just like all the other times before.

For people having something you call a rupture: What are they about? Either specifically or just in general, whatever you feel like sharing. I'm just curious what kind of things might cause weeks of sadness or anger (and still wanting to carry on therapy and find it useful and beneficial). Are they misunderstandings or disagreements or what?

I never had what I would consider a "rupture" with a therapist. Sure, we disagreed at times, but we simply talked through it in the moment. It didn't rise to the level of anything I would have considered a "rupture."

I don't think I'm capable of repair. Big ruptures always seem to change the relationship for me to the worse. Even with T, I'm not sure the big rupture has been repaired. Some days I think it has then something will happen and I'll wonder if I've just boxed it up and sat it aside - I think it is more ignored than resolved. So I don't know.

I feel further away from the person not closer.

Yes absolutely.

I'm not sure how to answer this. I've had ruptures, with ex-T, ex-MC, and current T. I was definitely unable to repair the final one with ex-MC, and it ultimately led to us terminating because I realized I couldn't trust him anymore. I was able to repair a previous one with him and a couple with ex-T in the sense that I was able to continue seeing them, but the trust took a hit for a bit and had to be built back up.

With current T, we've technically repaired the big rupture we had (stone thing), but I think it still affects the relationship from my end at times--sometimes I bring that up with him, sometimes I don't. He believes that working through conflicts make a relationship--therapeutic or otherwise--stronger. In a way, I get that, because it shows you can survive them. But if it's a big rupture/conflict with someone, I feel things are never quite the same, at least for me. OK, this is making me think my answer should be "no."

Mine did too and so do I. I was very reluctant to go see him again after our big rupture.... and I did anyway simply so I could at least share my thoughts on it, but it ended up bringing us closer, and yes it was a bit hard to trust him in one sense, but I also, in the end became more comfortable and trusting with him than ever before, of course part of that was me stupidly believing he wouldn't leave me

I don't think bring up old things over and over again is helpful though. I think had I brought up the rupture stuff months later and over and over, he would have gotten annoyed or distant, just as I would if someone did it to me. We were both the kind of "lets move past it" types... and thats why it worked so well for us

For me, it's something that makes me lose trust in a therapist and/or feel shamed by them. An example of the one I sort of worked through with ex-MC is that he granted me two individual sessions when I was first dealing with the transference. At the end of the second one, he said his door was always open to me (meaning if I wanted to meet individually again). A few months later, I was really struggling with transference stuff and asked about having a single individual session. He said no. I brought up what he'd said. He initially just said his opinion had changed on it. A few (joint) session later, he eventually said he'd realized the offer was a mistake as soon as he said it. (And it was an offer that had given me lots of comfort at the time...) So that made me seriously wonder how much I could trust what he said in the future, and trust to me is very important in a therapeutic relationship.

Yes that can be part of it. In my case, it was also him being very different with me and making me feel like I no longer mattered.... or he didn't care.

I don't like to talk about our big rupture much but basically he had promised me a month in advance I could see him on my dogs birthday (the one who passed) because he knew it would be a hard day for me. Early the week of his birthday, I emailed him, saying how I was scared because of how close I was beginning to feel. For whatever reason, he completely flipped out.... and the day before that session, he emailed me cancelling it and I called him, freaking out and he told me not to talk to him in any form until next session. It wasn't so much the trust that was a issue, it was more like, ok, so I really did something and he no longer cares. I was ready to quit. I'm glad I didnt though, ironically working through it brought us closer than ever and we were even able to joke about it

Ok, so in both your cases (LT, DP) broken promises made by a T. I understand it is upsetting and a repair probably included forgiving and understanding people sometimes make promises they have not fully considered to let the hurt feelings go?

Addressing our ruptures has made me feel safer in our relationship, and has also shown me that I can communicate my feelings and needs in a relationship without having it end catastrophically.

No, it was devastating. The therapist couldn't deal with it, couldn't deal with me. I wish I were dead and had never heard of therapy.

I'm very much a "let it go" forgiving type. So in a sense it was easy for me, because having him in my life was way more important than fixating on an issue. I tried to put myself in his shoes and see how maybe I did come off too strong and it scared him. Did he handle it well? No, but he's human, therapists are meant to be perfect people.

I know that promises are often broken, it wasn't so much that he "broke the promise" it was the reaction (don't contact me until session--and his tone on the phone) that scared me into thinking I'd done something really wrong. That's what caused the issue....

we had a later issue in October, not a rupture in my book but he outright got angry with me, something like I'd never seen before (he got angry upset often but not to this level) and he threatened to stop working with me, over something I said in a joking tone.... we talked about it then and there and he hugged me a second time before leaving. So it made me KNOW we were ok, even though it hurt and scared me a bit, I was able to reflect on it and actually ended up seeing it as one of the most caring things he ever did for me.

It ended up in my goodbye/thank you letter. I'll never forget it. I'm not sure how many people would have bothered with him after that... but I think my deep love for him and my forgiving nature, just made it, like, this is worth working through and fighting for