Seeing Ex T in Passing

I am posting this here because normally I’d tell my DBT T but she is gone this week. I am trying to work on my skills, so I guess I would appreciate if people didn’t comment saying that ex T was cruel or that I’m a stalker for driving by her house... I understand everyone may have their own opinions and I respect them, but those comments are pretty triggering for me and I’m still in a vulnerable place since she left.

I saw ex T walk by in the hall at the clinic and she looked at me briefly, but didn’t give much of a smile. I know I didn’t smile at her either. She just gave a soft “Hi.” And walked right on forward. This reminded me of times when she’s work to sustain eye contact and I tried doing that with her, but she looked away. Probably because she’s not my T anymore.

This may seem like a small thing to be triggered by and I know I’ve posted threads like this before, so I’m sorry for taking up space on here. I am trying to tell myself maybe it’s hard for her to see me there too. Maybe she misses me. Idk. I definitely don’t want to assume the best, if it is indeed, the worst - that she doesn’t care and she’s not happy to see me. Or even, maybe she’s totally neutral. I guess I wish it didn’t have to hurt. I wish we could both be happy to see each other, because I mistake hurt for negative feelings.

I don’t know whether it hurts her to see me (definitely not assuming it would hurt her as much as it does me) or whether she doesn’t care about me anymore. I mistake the two, but I’m trying really hard to believe it’s just hard for her too and I know that’s probably incredibly selfish of me to want that.

I bet that was hard. Good job trying to hold all the possibilities. Also, good job reaching out for support.

I think it is perfectly normal to want someone we care about and a relationship that means so much to us to have that same type of impact on the other person.

As I understand it, they are going to follow your lead if they see you outside therapy unexpectedly so that they do not brake your confidentiality. Maybe she wasn't sure if you were comfortable with her acting like she knew you and being friendly. Do you think this fits?

That sounds painful. As for the eye contact thing, I wouldn't read too much into it. I don't think it's typical to give sustained eye contact when walking past someone in the hall, whereas it might have made sense when you were in session and speaking at length.

I would suspect your old therapist is simply maintaining distance now that you are not her client.

I can see how that would be triggering. I think that she was maybe trying to keep the therapeutic boundary in place, even if it doesn't feel very therapeutic. I'm thinking it's good she acknowledged you and said "hi" even if she didn't sustain eye contact or smile. I know that is still difficult though. HUGS Kit

Very understandable that this was difficult for you and triggered all those feelings, Justbreathe. I don't think it's at all selfish to be thinking about how it could be really hard for her too. I would also want to believe this, because it would suggest that she is 'human' and was really committed to your therapy and did really care. Maybe this is the best kind of thought to hold on to.
I'm glad you have your DBT T, even though she is away.

Also you aren't "taking up space on here." You are getting support and asking for what you need, and you are more than welcome to do so. HUGS Kit

Thanks everyone. I guess my fear would be that it’s just a boundary thing, but I guess it would help knowing why she was setting that boundary. Eye contact was a big thing in our therapy. She was always pretty intense about it too, as I know I’ve spoken about on here before. She’d try to make in group all the time, like I’d just look over and she’d be staring right at me wanting to “connect.” I’m embarrassed with how special that made me feel. It was intoxicating. I guess it feels traumatic to look for it, but she’s not willing to give it anymore. When she first ended things and we saw each other in the hall in passing, she’d make a point of maintaining eye contact even though our therapy had ended. That felt reassuring to me to know she was trying, but I was so upset at the time, I couldn’t look at her. And now I want it and it’s not there. Maybe she has moved on and she wants me to move on too.

I am just acknowledging that I have started spiraling in the above post ^^

I wouldn’t consider this a small thing at all, and I think it’s totally normal to be affected strongly by this type of interaction. I know I would be. I think that most people would feel similar emotions after running into anyone they had a rough/emotional ending with, not just therapists.

That would have been super triggering. Be kind to yourself. This incident would have brought up a lot of hurt. Be really really kind and compassionate with the hurting-you.

I think you're doing a great job handling this even if you feel like you're spiraling. Seeing an ex-T, or anyone who abandoned you, would be very triggering.

For the longest time, I didn't think I could handle seeing my ex-T. I feared having a breakdown or worse, doing/saying something I'd regret. It's coming up on our 4 year anniversary, and I think I'd finally be okay if I saw her in passing.

Thanks guys. To be honest, I’ve left her several drunk voicemails. I asked my dietician if Ex T would be mad at me for this and she said no. Still tho. I’m stuck in the in between - letting ex T go and moving on.

It will take time. Grieving has no time limit. Just try your best to take care of yourself, and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. I had to learn to do that with how I reacted to my ex-T terminating with me.