My 4yr old Grandaughter stayed with me the weekend.

Grandaughter going to bed - "Nanny. If I'm scared, can I come into your room?"

Me - "of course darling, I wouldn't want you to be scared all alone"

Needless to say she went straight to sleep. She just wanted that reassurance, that I was more than willing to give.
I mean who in their right mind wouldn't reassure ANY child.

Do I say this to T. I say - "how could my adoptive mother not help me? Not offer me comfort? I had to be scared alone.

T said -" because she projected all her bad stuff into you, all the stuff she was deprived off she split off and put into you and then enjoyed your suffering because she was then empty off suffering"

I added - "I can't get my head around that. I use what I didn't get to give. My granddaughters natural fear brought back my memories of bring alone and scared and I more than wanted to give comfort"

T said - "I've told you before, that's incredibly rare. To use what you never got and turn it around. Most would act just as your adoptive mother did. Split off, project and enjoy the others suffering"

[TrailRunner14]

I can relate to this!! I can say that I’ve experienced this.

It’s sad isn’t it?

It’s sad for the abuser and sad for us. Like you, I can’t wrap my mind around it.

Like you, I have a grand daughter and it gives me great joy to love her with the love and safety that I didn’t receive. I believe that it’s healing those wounded and lonely parts of me, and I know that it makes my heart smile when I see her smile with the look of safety and being seen.

Hug to you.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Jessica11

My 4yr old Grandaughter stayed with me the weekend.

Grandaughter going to bed - "Nanny. If I'm scared, can I come into your room?"

Me - "of course darling, I wouldn't want you to be scared all alone"

Needless to say she went straight to sleep. She just wanted that reassurance, that I was more than willing to give.
I mean who in their right mind wouldn't reassure ANY child.

Do I say this to T. I say - "how could my adoptive mother not help me? Not offer me comfort? I had to be scared alone.

T said -" because she projected all her bad stuff into you, all the stuff she was deprived off she split off and put into you and then enjoyed your suffering because she was then empty off suffering"

I added - "I can't get my head around that. I use what I didn't get to give. My granddaughters natural fear brought back my memories of bring alone and scared and I more than wanted to give comfort"

T said - "I've told you before, that's incredibly rare. To use what you never got and turn it around. Most would act just as your adoptive mother did. Split off, project and enjoy the others suffering"

It’s surprising we know what to do and what our children/grandchildren need when we were never given the proper example.

It is surprising. I supposed that's why T highlighted how little she comes across others who cannot turn around and change what happened to thrm.

Hhhmm. I can feel a poll coming on 😂

[Amyjay]

I suppose that makes sense. I never thought about it as being a rare thing.

But then just look at how many people continue the cycle of abuse and abuse their own children, or turn a blind eye and let them be abused.

I do think access to therapy and a broader cultural awareness about the effects of abuse will have an impact on this though, and help more and more people stop the cycle.

[unaluna]

Ive seen this in my brother. Its so painful to watch.

[TrailRunner14]

I’m curious what makes a person repeat the abuse they were victim to or give what they didn’t get.

Una, I see it with my brother also and it makes me sad too!

[ElectricManatee]

My mother was raised by my narcissistic grandmother who emotionally neglected and abused my mother and expected her to raise her own siblings. My mother ended up chronically depressed and anxious.

I suspect my mother decided to do the exact opposite by being overly involved in my life, becoming enmeshed, and in the process failing to see what I wanted or needed as a separate person. Then my mother became emotionally abusive when I tried to stand up for my own feelings and individuality. I ended up chronically depressed and anxious.

Same outcome, different approaches. That's why breaking the cycle is so, so hard. You don't intuitively know how to give somebody the things that you don't have, even if your intentions are good.