[nottrustin]

Giod morning!! This is really long. I just really need to process. If you have any wisdom or insight I appreciate it but I also understand if you don't

Last night, some things happened in my appointment with T that I am still trying to figure out. T and I tried discussing it but I couldn't find the words to tell her what was happening. I think she knew to some degree though. Last week when we were talking about a game plan I told her I sometimes wished she would push and poke more. When I went in last night she asked if I was up for it. I told her it seemed like such a good idea last week but I was willing to try. She said something else and I reiterated that it seemed like a good idea last week. She jokingly said "you mean last week when it wouldn't effect the appointment". I said exactly.

Anyway, she started asking questions which didnt lead to anything outside if surface discussions. For some reason I was feeling a bit guarded. This led to a discussion on why I am always guarded to some degree. Very quickly the discussion led to my abandonment issues and a fear of feeling to needy or dependent on others to the point of them leaving me. One of the reasons we are doing this is to figure out where my fine line is between feeling emotions and staying present and not freezing. It was really weird because my body was completely tense and felt frozen. I could process a whole lot. The only difference this time is she asked more questions and by doing so I it kept me unfrozen enough to respond to her questions. It took work and time but I could respond. Like one of the things we have discussed before is touch and sound would seem to bring me back to the present. She asked me if I wanted her touch my hand I shook my head no. We discussed what was happening I told her 3 or 4 times I didnt know how to explain it. I told her I knew what was going on but was fighting to stay present and that I could easily not be. She said it was good thing; that it is progress. Times was starting to run out and again she asked me to describe what was going on. I told her I couldn't but that I felt really tense. She said she could tell I was in a bad place. Then she mentioned standing up and breathing and exercising, which I was not in the place to do.

She checked in a couple of times to see if I wanted to hang out more or if I was safe to drive. I told her I was fine and iffI went.

Now I have to wait until next week to process with her. I feel like there may have been a couple of things going on. First I think I was possibly guarded knowing that we were going to push my emotional tolerance which scares the crap out of me. Also, I was reminded yesterday that the week of Ts accident was the week of memorial day I saw her on mondays so we did t have an appointment which was stressful. I had reached out to ask about seeing her another day that week. She said yes but my fear of being to needy and dependent kicked and I emailed her saying I was frustrated because I shouldn't need to see her that week. I should be able to go one week without the contact. Hin the end I didnt see her then on Saturday I received the message about her accident. Emdr T has 2 vacations coming up one mid March the other Easter week. I hate worry about how I will make it through the week. I hate that I feel that I can't contact her outside of appointments. She has never said I cant but she has never said I can when she is on vacation. And I will never ask. I cant imagine bringing this up to her and again feeling to needy or complicated. I know she would handle it fine and likely not surprised but I cant put myself in such a vulnerable place.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Giod morning!! This is really long. I just really need to process. If you have any wisdom or insight I appreciate it but I also understand if you don't

Last night, some things happened in my appointment with T that I am still trying to figure out. T and I tried discussing it but I couldn't find the words to tell her what was happening. I think she knew to some degree though. Last week when we were talking about a game plan I told her I sometimes wished she would push and poke more. When I went in last night she asked if I was up for it. I told her it seemed like such a good idea last week but I was willing to try. She said something else and I reiterated that it seemed like a good idea last week. She jokingly said "you mean last week when it wouldn't effect the appointment". I said exactly.

Anyway, she started asking questions which didnt lead to anything outside if surface discussions. For some reason I was feeling a bit guarded. This led to a discussion on why I am always guarded to some degree. Very quickly the discussion led to my abandonment issues and a fear of feeling to needy or dependent on others to the point of them leaving me. One of the reasons we are doing this is to figure out where my fine line is between feeling emotions and staying present and not freezing. It was really weird because my body was completely tense and felt frozen. I could process a whole lot. The only difference this time is she asked more questions and by doing so I it kept me unfrozen enough to respond to her questions. It took work and time but I could respond. Like one of the things we have discussed before is touch and sound would seem to bring me back to the present. She asked me if I wanted her touch my hand I shook my head no. We discussed what was happening I told her 3 or 4 times I didnt know how to explain it. I told her I knew what was going on but was fighting to stay present and that I could easily not be. She said it was good thing; that it is progress. Times was starting to run out and again she asked me to describe what was going on. I told her I couldn't but that I felt really tense. She said she could tell I was in a bad place. Then she mentioned standing up and breathing and exercising, which I was not in the place to do.

She checked in a couple of times to see if I wanted to hang out more or if I was safe to drive. I told her I was fine and iffI went.

Now I have to wait until next week to process with her. I feel like there may have been a couple of things going on. First I think I was possibly guarded knowing that we were going to push my emotional tolerance which scares the crap out of me. Also, I was reminded yesterday that the week of Ts accident was the week of memorial day I saw her on mondays so we did t have an appointment which was stressful. I had reached out to ask about seeing her another day that week. She said yes but my fear of being to needy and dependent kicked and I emailed her saying I was frustrated because I shouldn't need to see her that week. I should be able to go one week without the contact. Hin the end I didnt see her then on Saturday I received the message about her accident. Emdr T has 2 vacations coming up one mid March the other Easter week. I hate worry about how I will make it through the week. I hate that I feel that I can't contact her outside of appointments. She has never said I cant but she has never said I can when she is on vacation. And I will never ask. I cant imagine bringing this up to her and again feeling to needy or complicated. I know she would handle it fine and likely not surprised but I cant put myself in such a vulnerable place.

Your description of your session sounds a lot like my most recent one (3 weeks ago as she’s been sick since). Every time emotions get high, I freeze. I bring something up and as T asks questions, I completely shut down and block her out. I was in a bad place during that session. I decided after session to write it all down instead for her to read, and for me to also process. I even mentioned in my notes why I shut down. She’s read it - said it was insightful, honest and well articulated (something I could never, at this point, present in therapy). We will discuss what I wrote next week. How does writing it all down, for now, sound to you, as a way of processing what you were feeling for yourself, and a way to share it? May be something to consider. I hope one day I’m able to set myself free from all my fears and allow myself to be completely vulnerable in therapy.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by darkside8

Your description of your session sounds a lot like my most recent one (3 weeks ago as she’s been sick since). Every time emotions get high, I freeze. I bring something up and as T asks questions, I completely shut down and block her out. I was in a bad place during that session. I decided after session to write it all down instead for her to read, and for me to also process. I even mentioned in my notes why I shut down. She’s read it - said it was insightful, honest and well articulated (something I could never, at this point, present in therapy). We will discuss what I wrote next week. How does writing it all down, for now, sound to you, as a way of processing what you were feeling for yourself, and a way to share it? May be something to consider. I hope one day I’m able to set myself free from all my fears and allow myself to be completely vulnerable in therapy.

What you described is pretty much how it usually happens. We will be discussing whatever and while she is talking I will completely freeze and shut down. I know where I am and can hear her but I cant talk or respond in anyway. Eventually she can help pull me out. My body is still somewhat tense and I have a hard time processing but am completely aware and can communicate. Last night was different in that because of her asking questions more frequently I was able to stay present enough to talk. I could talk about very superficial things or topics that were way off topic and had no emotional effect.

That is why I am typing here. What I hate is that by processing this myself I feel like I am missing something. I tend to process it so much that I come to a place where it makes sense to me. So next week I downplay it because I have it all figured out. In general what I tell her makes total sense. However sometimes I feel there is a lot more going on but I dont know what it is but it doesn't get processed

Plus next week I cant travel to her for my appointment so we are doing a video conference appointment so I am limited on what I will discuss.

[coolibrarian]

NT, I think continuing to write about how you are feelings, will help you a great deal. Also, keep posting here. xox