Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Dear T,

You said exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so very much. I am so grateful.

--EG

This is weird, but I want to email you even though I’m feeling totally fine? I think I liked it when we were emailing about what you’d written, and I miss that.

I was happy today.

P.s In case you didn't know you come back in 24 days and 16 hours and you haven't even left yet.

I really thought in light of the 3+ years we've been working together and everything you've seen me through, that somehow you would find a way to make an exception with regards to out of hours sessions, knowing that flexi time at work is no longer an option and I am struggling badly with suicidal depression and very recent bereavement.
But something has changed and I feel like you feel like we're done. The only way you could support me is by phone but you know I really have difficulty with doing emotional stuff over the phone.

So I guess that's it.

I need to start the damn awful process of trying to find someone else who can do out of hours sessions and learn to trust all over again.

I don't know if I can be bothered with any of it anymore. This life is more trouble than it's worth.

Damn it I miss you. I thought I'd be ok coming back here but I'm not. I'm too sad seeing everyone else who still has their T. You know, the people's who's T's didn't give up on them

T, I’m sad and I miss you. Tomorrow I work and you are not in the office but I know I can call you if I need to Tuesday. I don’t know if I can explain it on the phone though. Spring break is almost over... all clear until summer vacation. Yuck. I can get the money to go inpatient if I need to but it puts me in a bad place financially. Maybe there is something we can work out that will feel like enough without driving you crazy? I don’t know and I don’t know if it would work... but I don’t know that inpatient will work either.
H has noticed I no longer wear my ring but he seems to just be waiting for it to pass. He has not said anything or asked about it.
T, I need hugs... like lots of them not just the end of session hug.

T: This weekend was as bad as last weekend, and I even had something to do today. It was so hard getting out of bed and showering, just to go to my friend's bridal shower. Which I almost missed completely if her fiancé didn't text me about it earlier this week. Yes, I DO suck that much.

I hate Sunday nights now, bc all I do is stress about work. You are right, something's gotta give, but its just not me moving back to NY.

I asked for a double session tomorrow. But I had to ask jokingly because I know you’ll say no.

Hi L. I am almost ready to call you to say goodbye. Just disappearing feels wrong but maybe it's already too late for anything else...

I guess I also want you to know that I'm doing well and that h and I are still together and are basically reinventing our marriage from the ground up. We've been through so much together the past 21+ years neither of us wants to throw all of that away. You know what you said about how relationships can run their course and you were talking about my marriage but I think that more applies to you and I. In the past 6+ weeks since I saw you last I have found that I am capable of emotional intimacy outside of your office and am finding it in my marriage and with friends and have even had several long conversations with my mom on the phone (2 hours yesterday!!) and really starting to let people see the real me. I'm out to a couple of our friends now and they took it well and we're still friends. Major. It's like this level of honesty with h, I am more relaxed and open than ever. I don't have to hide anything anymore as our relationship evolves and changes. I love and appreciate him more than ever.

I want you to know all of this.

Dear T,

Thank you for helping me
Through the weekend. Hopefully the week will get a bit easier. I have to say I am impressed. You said I could reach out as needed and you have been mostly helpful over the years. I do think that our conversation a couple of months ago about me feeling like you had been inconsistent with appointments and overall busier than usual really hit home. Thanks for taking that seriously.

Healed

sometimes I'm afraid I'm in too deep and I care too much about your opinion of me that I won't tell you certain things and sometimes I wish I could start over and meet your for the first time again and I swear I'd be honest this time

Sometimes I wonder what I'd see if I looked up during those long pauses when you stop reading and sound emotional when you finally speak again.
How much of that is real and how much is a performance for my benefit?
Would you be able to flip it off like a switch if you wanted to?

Back to being down again.

well now-ex-T i know you will not reply to my text but i keep checking anyhow.

I don't know how to talk to you today. I don't know if I am angry or sad or how I feel about you right now but I really hope today goes well. Please don't be a jerk about this.

I haven't told you about the deposition mostly because we've been busy with other more important things. I'm sitting in the parking lot wishing you were here and going with me.

Its Monday again. It has been a hard few days where I have missed you terribly. I just want to talk to you but know that can not happen.

Wishing I could see you at our at 6:30 today.

Dear T,
Can I just hang out in the nest and the shallow end some more?
Love,
LT

I could do with speaking to you right about now.

T, you are flying home today... that means you are just a few mile from my house... can I meet you at the park and ride for a hug? OK, just kidding... that would totally freak me out... the thought that the shortest route from the park and ride to around where you live goes right past my house is freaky enough. I don’t want you anywhere near my house... like your driving by it could corrupt you or make you dirty or something... but... you are almost home. Tomorrow if I still need you I can call and not feel bad. If you are bored at the airport you can reply to my bunches of emails... JK... I know you like to people watch. Thursday... two more days to Thursday...