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#777
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I wish I would have just told you what I really wanted last night. I wonder if you'd have given it?
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![]() 88Butterfly88, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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#778
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I feel like a waste of space, T, and a waste of an hour tonight. You asked what you could do to help. Nothing will help me I feel. I feel bad even wasting your time.
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![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, SummerTime12, WarmFuzzySocks
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#779
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It was a great session tonight. I feel a little bad that we did minimal actual therapy. However as you said I really dodnt want to stir everything up since you are on vacation next week. I find it weird that you felt the need to explain taking 2 weeks vacation in 3 weeks. The last few weeks you have revealed quite a bit of personal stuff. I like that you are real and show your own vulnerabilities but I fear knowing you to much and getting hurt again. You are awesome though.
__________________
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![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, SummerTime12
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#780
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I was fine for the first hour after
But then I started thinking about it when I said "don't" and told you not to say those words, I really meant it. This was the first time I was even able to use them with you, even in writing. Hearing you repeat them felt unbearable. I can't even feel good about anything else you said today because then I remember this part and feel sick |
![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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#781
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T, I was so happy and excited all day. I am going to have you AND Pdoc... but my joy set my son off and now I am down again. I keep thinking about the hug and how it made me feel. I also keep hearing you tell me “you are really good at disassociation”. Is it Monday yet.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
![]() LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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#782
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Nice sesh dude.
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![]() SlumberKitty
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![]() Lemoncake, Omers
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#783
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Day 5 and I'm actually doing okay! Just tired though.
14 days, 13 hours, 28 minutes and 22 seconds.
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![]() Omers, SlumberKitty
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#784
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Dear T,
When I feel your presence, it calms me down. Thank you. --EG |
![]() Omers, SlumberKitty
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#785
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T, thanks for replying even though your reply doesn’t feel right. I think I am just misreading it because I wanted a different answer. Something shifted when you were away for a week. The hug last session sent the emotions right over the top. I’m sad I don’t know how to connect with you and how to be present with you. I am sad and frustrated I have to wait so long between chances to try again. I bounce from dissociative to hyper vigilant without any rest in between. I want to be in that in between space, that balance spot. I am feeling let down by your reply and angry at myself for feeling let down... but it is all a big circle.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
![]() LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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#786
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How does it make you feel?
Not your thoughts about it. Not your reaction to how I feel about it. What is your initial personal emotional reaction to the concept itself, before your therapist brain kicks in? |
![]() LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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![]() Omers
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#787
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Oh and your hair is getting long again. You look like Philip Pullman. And I know you will have cut it by the next time I see you. You always do.
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![]() Omers, SlumberKitty
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![]() LabRat27, LonesomeTonight
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#788
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I almost walked out of the session today. You weren't very nice to me there in the beginning.
__________________
Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
![]() LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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#789
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ok, how do I even talk about this splitting that is going on, you know about, I know about it - I can't seem to reconcile it and I'm too embarrassed that it has/is happening.
Why do I have to be so messed up at such a young age? And why can't you just be mommy, letting me live there for a while? What will you think if I actually do bring in that chair? Can I trust you if I bring it in? I hate this. |
![]() LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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#790
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Did you move your chair???
__________________
Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
![]() SlumberKitty
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![]() Omers
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#791
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I bet as much as you love snow, you are *****ing about this blizzard. I wish i could text and complain about it with you, like we used to
![]() I miss you like crazy still.
__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love. |
![]() captgut, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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#792
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remember when I texted you "I'm all growed up" and you texted back that that gave u chills s
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![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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#793
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I'm in love with you again this week. Sigh.
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![]() Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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#794
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Day 6
Week 1 is nearly over. I went 30 mins into my normal session time without even realizing it. I did gym and I was mainly happy today, just stupidly tired.
Possible trigger:
13 days, 14 hours, 58 minutes and 51 seconds...
__________________
![]() Last edited by Lemoncake; Apr 11, 2019 at 02:20 PM. |
![]() Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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#795
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Dear T,
I totally peeked a couple times to make sure you didn't have your eyes open during the 3-minute meditation/breathing thing. And you didn't. Wonder if you checked, too? (Probably not, if you do this daily, like you said.) Love, LT |
![]() Omers, SlumberKitty
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![]() Lemoncake
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#796
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T, I hate my brain right now. If I am brave I am going to have a lot to talk about Monday and maybe some strange requests. I want to have you call me and leave me a message telling me you won’t hurt me but I don’t know when you are leaving for the weekend... and honestly, I don’t know how a I would respond to it. Hopefully I will have a new project to show you.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
![]() SlumberKitty
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![]() DP_2017
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#797
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Baby T
Ugh stupid winter ruining everything. At least I still can go tomorrow. Hopefully I'm able to get in and read the letter right away instead of wasting time and not getting around to it.
__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love. |
![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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#798
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You’re really messing with my head
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![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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![]() blackocean
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#799
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It’s Thursday and I haven’t emailed or texted you yet this week. I guess it’s been a quiet week. I’ll see what I can drum up over the weekend for you
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![]() SlumberKitty
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![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers
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#800
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T I am really missing you. Today all of a sudden I thought about you and a huge rush of sadness came over me about all the things on life you are not here for. Then my daughter was contacted by my brothers family. You are the only person who truly understands how hard cutting him out of our life has been. He is so toxic for me but has beautiful children. Plus the signs of your presence has stopped.
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Last edited by nottrustin; Apr 11, 2019 at 08:08 PM. |
![]() LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
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