Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

In our first session back, I might pretend to get mad at you for not replying to an email that I haven't sent .



5 days, 18 hours, 45 minutes and 46 seconds

P.s I'm back to feeling happy and good again.

Dear New T,

Thank you for saying you hope to earn my trust instead of just expecting me to trust you.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
Please write back today and say you'll be willing to adjust my rate. Even if it needs to be a bit more than what I said. I'm not ready for once a week, and I can't afford this with the insurance changes at your usual rate (of course, I've already unknowingly paid that for the first part of the year, thanks to my insurance taking eternity to process claims...)

I promise this isn't me testing you. I know you might jump to some conclusions after our conversation yesterday and think this is a test. But I really did just get the EOB last night, and H called the insurance this morning for explanation. I'm scared though that you'll feel trapped into offering me a reduction and then resent me for it. Even though you had told me before, when I was worried about H losing his job during the layoffs, that you'd be willing to work with me on price if my income changed. Well, this is a form of my income changing...Getting like $230 less back from insurance a month than I was. I hope you see it that way. And I'm not asking you to make up for all of that, just meeting somewhere in the middle. I've been a reliable client and brought you some steady income for a year and a half. Please help me out a little? Even just for a few months, then I can wean myself to weekly at full rate?
Love,
LT

Hey T, I don't feel good.

Okay yeah I feel actually quite bad.



I don't even know why I feel so bad. I am stupid pathetic and I should just cease to exist.

HUGS @chihirochild

5 days, 12 hours, 26 minutes and 52 seconds.

I didn't email, but I did like a post on your private facebook account, which you will get a notification about....

I hope you hear back from him soon LT.

Please try to stay safe chihiro.

I'm always around if you want to talk, and you're not pathetic or stupid for feeling the way you do.

As usual, the stuff that felt completely believable and incredibly painful last night just sounds silly and melodramatic now.
I couldn't stop crying while writing, and now it doesn't even feel like I ever actually felt that way.
You've never seen me completely in that state. A little bit sometimes, but never anything like that. It's usually only at night when I'm alone.

I'm kind of tempted to leave work an hour early to try to get into that headspace before the session. We're always trying to address how I feel at those times, but that's hard to do when it doesn't feel real. I wish I could have you there when it does feel real.
And maybe I just want to be extra sad so that you'll feel sorry for me. Maybe I only want to do this because I want the emotional reaction from you.
I hate that I can never trust my own motives.

Another one bites the dust. I'll miss you, L. But we both know it wasn't working.

Thanks, LC. Nothing yet...

Thinking of you, LT. Hope he writes back soon and is open to what you need.

I hate you!

4 minutes. Please be what I need today... I really really need it.

T2,

Cut out the therapisty bs. I thought you knew better by now then to go there.

Dear T,
You're awesome. I love you.
LT

Well, I told you, cause if I can’t talk to you about this stuff, why am I wasting my time? Tuesday will make or break our relationship.

**** you! I hate you! I want to trash your office!

Hopefully when you are out walking on these nice days and see a husky, you think of me. Even just for a brief moment.

Also hopefully I can get over this nonsense soon. You would seriously be so annoyed with me that I'm still carrying on about it