Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Hurt people hurt people. I think I might be lashing out a bit because I'm hurt. It would have been nice to see you tonight , but we don't have an appointment until next Monday. But I can wait till we work on it and work on it myself in the meantime. Happy S.

Dear T,
I felt really...seen in the last part of today’s session. Just the way you were looking at me it felt like you really saw me and understood. Despite how different we are. Thank you for that.
Love,
LT

Dear Former T: thanks for the text. It helps to know you still care about me. Kit

Dear Current T: Thanks for our session Friday. You gave me so much to think about. Kit

Dear T:
Thank you for giving me an extra session. Thank you so much for helping me. I really am appreciative even when I go dark.

Usually it drives me somewhat crazy when I receive reminder texts from you in regards to my Tuesday appointment. For some reason they remind me that T is gone. It can also stress me out thinking about the appointment. I haven't told you any of this because In a small way it does helped feel a but connected. It is now at least 2 hours later than when I normally receive them. It is driving me crazy to not have received anything. Life sure is confusing.

Hugs, Lemoncake.

For the most part, I love having my session at the end of the week. But other times I wish I could come in sooner. I have a massive update and could really use some perspective and guidance thinking through it all. On the plus side, it will give us a lot to talk about when my session comes around.

I keep thinking that I should only have "positive" emotions in regard to session, you, other people, etc. It wasn't really conscious, but I have noticed if I have both "good" emotions and the other emotions like anger or whatever, that I tend to feel ashamed about the so-called "negative" emotions. And you always teach me to accept however I feel.

Thanks for that final email. It felt good to receive it. But I'm still angry with you. I won't forget that I am.

I have a lot to say today for some reason. I took two long walks, getting over
14,000 steps. I want to use this time to take care of myself instead of doing nothing but going to work and being too tired to do anything else.

I think I signed up for an anxiety forum of which you spoke, but I don't even remember what it was.

When will the feeling of having one foot out the door stop? It’s exhausting. Just give me something to hang onto.

I feel like a piece of ****!

You said no, but I'm perfectly fine with begging. And beg I will.

i will probably say that i want to leave therapy because it is easier than having a conversation about seeing you for 8 years because i love you and really just want to sit in your presence.

I have never experienced such anxiety over an appointment as I am right now. My whole body feels like it is in knots and I feel like vomiting.

Sometimes it is so easy to tune into that part of myself and understand what I really want, the truth of my dreamy forward looking anticipation of making small changes and having more time and space for myself. And then it just sort of seems that the daydreams of the future are really here in the moment, that part of living in the moment is actually the entertainment value of imagining how it can be different. And because anticipating what you want is its own lovely thing, even if you can't have it now, and what a sweet change that is from the days where it was painful to want and not have or where I couldn't imagine following my heart and dreams.

What I really want to tell you today is that I am scared. You have helped me so much over the last 9 months. I just keep feeling myself getting attached to you you. It scared the hell out of me. U dint want to be attached I dont want to feel pain when inevitably we stop working together. I fear losing you abruptly. I couldnt open up to somebody who is blank slate and is a complete stranger to me. However the idea of feeling like I know you and to a small degree then to have all that taken away is really difficult. On the other hand I know if none of this happened I could not learn trust you at all. It isn't you I don't trust I don't trust myself. Part of what it will take to get where my life is better it will take being able to have some attachment.

I know I could talk about all of this with you. You have always been amazing regardless what I bring up. I just can't. That would require me to be more vulnerable and open than I have ever been with anybody else.

Dear T,
It's really cold so I wasn't sure if I wanted to go for a walk, but I made myself do it. Only initially planned to do a mile, but managed to do 2. My face is burning a bit from the wind, but I'm glad I did it. Tomorrow: Deep Release yoga class. I probably won't feel like going initially and will feel anxious about it, but I'll make myself go. I'm trying to follow through on the "I want to get better" thing from Friday. Yesterday's session helped reinforce that, even if most of the conversation was therapeutic-relationship based. I think you can help me get there.
Love,
LT
ETA: And this is a minor thing, but I wanted to have another beer last night, but opted to have a fancy (nonalcoholic) soda instead. I still had more beer than I should have yesterday, but I had one less than I wanted to. I think that's progress of some sort. Hm, maybe I should have some sort of log/journal where I keep track of what healthy/self-care things I've done each day. Rather than listing it in a more negative sense, list the positives? Even like "had salad for dinner" (never mind having a less healthy lunch). Hm...