Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Suppressing the urge to scream. Feeling beyond guilty for taking what the Critic is calling 'the nuclear option'.


If it's a choice between being comfortable at work and feeling like


then it's a no-brainer, right?

Or it should be?

I don't even know how I'm going to have this conversation with you.

I'm sleep deprived and I've had a stressful few days so I'm really emotionally vulnerable right now. Like I feel like crying and just want to go to sleep. Oh and a hug.
I hate having sessions when I'm like this. Even the normal amount of vulnerability already makes me feel pathetic enough.
Please be gentle.

Hey T: Thanks for visiting me (again). You're pretty great, you know that, right?

Dear T,
I'm angry and hurt right now about how my last session went, but more than anything, I am super confused about my feelings. I'm terrified that my perception is inaccurate and I'm pretty sure whatever happened between us is all my fault. Ugh. My head is a mess. I don't want to see you and I don't want to talk to you. I think I am just going to plan on shutting down during my next appointment.... sounds like a solid plan to me.

Why do I want to text you right now...

Ugh, I miss you.

You know L - I am realizing that you were right about that one thing.

Please write me back. Where are you? I really need you.

Miss you.

Cow

By Selima Hill

I want to be a cow
and not my mother’s daughter.
I want to be a cow
and not in love with you.
I want to feel free to feel calm.
I want to be a cow who never knows
the kind of love you ‘fall in love with’ with;
a queenly cow, with hips as big and sound
as a department store,
a cow the farmer milks on bended knee,
who when she dies will feel dawn
bending over her like lawn to wet her lips.

I want to be a cow,
nothing fancy –
a cargo of grass,
a hammock of soupy milk
whose floating and rocking and dribbling’s undisturbed
by the echo of hooves to the city;
of crunching boots;
of suspicious-looking trailers parked on verges;
of unscrupulous restaurant-owners
who stumble, pink-eyed, from stale beds
into a world of lobsters and warm telephones;
of streamlined Japanese freighters
ironing the night,
heavy with sweet desire like bowls of jam.

The Tibetans have 85 words for states of consciousness.
This dozy cow I want to be has none.
She doesn’t speak.
She doesn’t do housework or worry about her appearance.
She doesn’t roam.
Safe in her fleet
of shorn-white-bowl-like friends,
she needs, and loves, and’s loved by,
only this –
the farm I want to be a cow on too.

Don’t come looking for me.
Don’t come walking out into the bright sunlight
looking for me,
black in your gloves and stockings and sleeves
and large hat.
Don’t call the tractorman.
Don’t call the neighbours.
Don’t make a special fruit-cake for when I come home:
I’m not coming home.
I’m going to be a cowman’s counted cow.
I’m going to be a cow
and you won’t know me.

I am glad I'm seeing u today

awe u came in my store and whispered my name loudly

I looked around until i saw you

"maybe I shouldnt whisper your name loudly.."

"why?"

"because you might not know if it's real or not"

God damn i miss you

I wish more than anything I can bump into you someday and know you are ok

Dear T: Thanks for not thinking I was crazy when I talked to you about what I thought was a demon. But maybe was psychosis. HUGS Kit

hey T.. baby T's hair is turning red... eeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Dear T,

you did it again. Just as I start trusting you again, you decide you need to leave. I don't know whether to be sad or angry or both. I can't do this again. My heart feels like it's being ripped in two. I know it's your health and I do want you to take care of yourself but I want to be selfish too and say you can't go. You said you maybe back at 3 months but I highly doubt it. I think you're gone forever. I won't go back to therapy not with someone else and maybe never again with you. I had so many bad therapists I don't want to try again. And if you do come back do I trust you to stay more than a few months-probably not. This time I can't even contact you. Last time I could do that but you didn't mention it this time. I could have really used you over these next few months especially with weight loss surgery but you're gone. Last night was our last. Saying goodbye again would hurt too much. And I won't be going to safe house. Just too painful. Well, I wish you luck. I want to write a letter but I really don't know what to say without making you feel bad which I don't want to do. Well I guess this is goodbye. I told you once that I loved you. I still do love and care for you. Maybe that's a good place to let you go. Don't forget me and thank you for all you have done. You said I made changes but those changes wouldn't have happened without you. I wish this wasn't so hard. Goodbye

It feels so damn good to reconnect with you, and hard too. Hard to figure it all out. I feel more settled in myself though I think. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel warm feelings towards you.

youuuuuuuuuuu

this is so ****ing stupid after 8 years it is still physically painful to think about stopping seeing you. i still cant talk yo you about it.

I don't like not knowing when I'm going to see you next.

When you said your eyes might look funny because you were getting a headache I should've said I'm sorry your head hurts, or that I hope you feel better, or asked if you were okay to continue or even just that I'm sorry for piling on or something. I didn't though. I'm so inconsiderate and selfish.

You'd said on Monday at the end of the session to check-in "in a day or two"... and I made myself call you last night, but... you didn't say to call or check-in again before next Monday, so I guess I sounded less fatalistic or something on the phone, I guess? (or you're tired of me, or you don't care, or I'm not actually that depressed or...)

its like brere rabbit and the tar baby the more i struggle to get away from you the more stuck to you i become. i dont understand.

My birthday is going to be the 5-month anniversary of your death.

Sometimes it still feels so surreal.

I love you.

i realise that was a blatant 'look at me' text.

Dear T,

I feel really down today. Normally I would see you today but you've got training so I have to wait until tomorrow. I guess I'll muddle through until tomorrow but I won't be happy about it.

-Butterfly