[Omers]

Hope this is OK. One, I need a place to talk about my T because he is awesome and it scares the h*ll out of me. Two I have had a lot of bad T experiences and at least one abusive T experience. I see a lot of people on here not sure what a good T is so maybe this will help?

Need to start at the first session. T knew I was afraid of men, I warned him when I asked for the initial appointment. Pretty quickly it came up that my experiences in therapy ranged from mediocre to abusive. Then it came up that he KNOWS my last T (bad experience but not horrible or abusive). I told him I don’t know how to trust or what trust would even look like.

“Trust. Starts here. With me.”

I don’t think I will ever forget hearing him saying that. Nor will I forget the look of concern and determination on his face when he said it. Best part? He has NEVER asked me to trust him, he is just over and above trustworthy and when I hurt, get upset or have a vulnerable moment he is right there with all that compassion.

Other T’s - “It’s OK to feel scared”
New T - “Take a deep breath. What is your anxiety level?” And he makes the scared stop. He makes it STOP. Inside hurts or outside hurts he makes them stop. He doesn’t think it is OK for me to sit an entire hour (yet alone 4 years of sessions) in utter terror. He doesn’t ask me to relax, he doesn’t discount the scared but he figures out the need and takes care of it... gently and makes the pain STOP.

[DP_2017]

Sounds like a great T. Mine was too, I miss the hell outta him

He used to do the same sort of thing with regards to asking my level.

I'm glad you got so lucky! Hopefully he helps you tons in your journey

[Omers]

A few weeks back T responded to something that I said by listing off all the ways I know I am safe with him (he even left off the ones I am not 100% on yet). I feel like a little kid with a favorite bedtime story with a happy ending... “T, could you PLEASE read me the list just oooooone more time?”

[Anne2.0]

My t has always said that it's smart not to trust, including him. But to me trust is never absolute, it's not this I trust you or I don't. It's do I trust you in this moment with this thing?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Omers

A few weeks back T responded to something that I said by listing off all the ways I know I am safe with him (he even left off the ones I am not 100% on yet). I feel like a little kid with a favorite bedtime story with a happy ending... “T, could you PLEASE read me the list just oooooone more time?”

Thats very cool. I'm glad you feel safe. I think something is wrong with me, I've never felt child like etc... but that's a whole different issue

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

My t has always said that it's smart not to trust, including him. But to me trust is never absolute, it's not this I trust you or I don't. It's do I trust you in this moment with this thing?

I agree, my T said he did trust me but he doesn't trust anyone completely and I said, no worries, same here. Not even my family or friends. I like how you used the moment thing, that makes tons of sense.

[Omers]

A wise friend told me it is not IF you can trust them but WHAT you can trust them to do. You can trust a liar to lie and an abuser to abuse. T has NEVER asked me to trust him and would be appalled at the thought. However, given my major trust issues he relishes every little bit of trust he gets out of me. He is also sure to make sure I can see how important/precious my trust is to him and how thankful he is for it.

I have never been child like with a T either... but something about this T tends to bring it out. Not in an alters way and not the traumatized child either... more like what I guess I would have been like if my childhood had been even remotely healthy.

[nottrustin]

I am glad you finally found somebody that works for you

I had that relationship with T. I was very upfront with Emdr T about trust. Early on one day we were going to fast for me and she was asking questions that I wasnt ready to answer yet. Without thinking I told her that we were moving to fast and I needed to work more on trust building. She was very good about it and we switched gears. I texted her after thanking her for understanding. I told her it had nothing to do with anything she did or didn't do but it was what I needed. She replied that she didn't take it personally in fact she was honored I trusted her enough to tell her what I needed. She knew it was a huge step for me.

[Omers]

T and I are going through that with EMDR now too. He wants to move on to making a list of things to work on. I am having too hard of a time during the week and the anchors he tried to create are not strong enough yet for day to day stuff yet alone trauma work. I am glad you were able to tell EMDR T and she was supportive.

[Omers]

“If I ever hurt you I need you to tell me”

That’s another one from the first session that I can’t shake. When any other T said something like that to me they got a hard, fast NO. There was no way I would tell them what hurt me or what I wanted, either one of those would make it easy to hurt or manipulate me. If they were going to hurt me more than I was already hurt they would have to figure out how to do it on their own!

When current T said it I just got sad. I knew he was saying it because he was scared of hurting me accidentally before he knew my triggers. He was being so cautious, so quiet, so conscientious. It never crossed my mind, even in the first session, that he would use something I told him against me.

Now the memory of him asking me to tell him comes up and I get sad and I hurt a lot. I remember loving working at a horse barn and one horse in particular. I was careful not to say anything, it was just a job because I could do farm work younger than regular jobs. That Christmas my dad bought me an expensive riding helmet and cover, boots and a show outfit. That night I cried so hard I threw up. I knew what was coming. Soon if I went to the barn I could not eat, if I went to the barn I could not have hot water, when I still went to the barn I couldn’t do laundry, when I still went to the barn I came “home” and my key didn’t fit into the lock. I had to leave the barn and soon after the horse I was so close to was sold because she too knew something was wrong and was grieving. I think of being in school and my English teacher berating me to my dad viciously. A single tear fell because she was lying. My dad was furious. Not because of the missed assignment or the teachers concerns, not even because of the teacher verbally abusing me to him... that single tear. I was younger then and only with him on weekends so he couldn’t throw me out... but that was the most miserable weekend ever. So many of those memories.

“If I ever hurt you I need you to tell me”. It seems so innocent, so supportive... and then I crash, I crash HARD. It wasn’t even that first session, or the week after... but now, as all of these innocent, supportive, normal statements build I can hardly cope. T is being gentle and sensitive but cannot and will not stop caring abot me and my wellbeing. I like it in the moment but it hurts after. It hurts a lot after.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Omers

“If I ever hurt you I need you to tell me”

That’s another one from the first session that I can’t shake. When any other T said something like that to me they got a hard, fast NO. There was no way I would tell them what hurt me or what I wanted, either one of those would make it easy to hurt or manipulate me. If they were going to hurt me more than I was already hurt they would have to figure out how to do it on their own!

When current T said it I just got sad. I knew he was saying it because he was scared of hurting me accidentally before he knew my triggers. He was being so cautious, so quiet, so conscientious. It never crossed my mind, even in the first session, that he would use something I told him against me.

Now the memory of him asking me to tell him comes up and I get sad and I hurt a lot. I remember loving working at a horse barn and one horse in particular. I was careful not to say anything, it was just a job because I could do farm work younger than regular jobs. That Christmas my dad bought me an expensive riding helmet and cover, boots and a show outfit. That night I cried so hard I threw up. I knew what was coming. Soon if I went to the barn I could not eat, if I went to the barn I could not have hot water, when I still went to the barn I couldn’t do laundry, when I still went to the barn I came “home” and my key didn’t fit into the lock. I had to leave the barn and soon after the horse I was so close to was sold because she too knew something was wrong and was grieving. I think of being in school and my English teacher berating me to my dad viciously. A single tear fell because she was lying. My dad was furious. Not because of the missed assignment or the teachers concerns, not even because of the teacher verbally abusing me to him... that single tear. I was younger then and only with him on weekends so he couldn’t throw me out... but that was the most miserable weekend ever. So many of those memories.

“If I ever hurt you I need you to tell me”. It seems so innocent, so supportive... and then I crash, I crash HARD. It wasn’t even that first session, or the week after... but now, as all of these innocent, supportive, normal statements build I can hardly cope. T is being gentle and sensitive but cannot and will not stop caring abot me and my wellbeing. I like it in the moment but it hurts after. It hurts a lot after.

Oh Omers, that sounds awful. I am so glad you found such an amazing T who is willing to do whatever it takes for you. He sounds like a real gem. Have you told him all this about your dad??

[Omers]

T and I have only had 7 (I think) sessions. We started in December but we missed a couple of sessions (a new grand baby for him and an EMDR training and then I think I had a transportation issue one week) between then and now. So no, we have not discussed this, or much of anything specific actually. Just have not gotten there yet. Poor T keeps asking innocent questions and running into stories like that. He rubs his face and head hard partially covering his reaction but you can clearly see he is hurting for me. Poor guy must feel like he is walking in a mine zone. He is constantly worried about triggering me because he knows I was hurt in many different ways. Even the fact that I told him it’s OK if I trigger... here is how you will know and don’t do any of these things... hurts him. I can’t expect him to know or be perfect though.
Yes, he is very special. I had a priest in my life (well, he still writes back if I email him and makes time for me if I am in town...) that was very similar. So, when T started REALLY reminding me of the priest (more than transference) I knew I was where I needed to be. T is a very special T and I tell him all the time (even though I think he tires of it) how privileged I feel to have the opportunity to work with him.

We were going to talk next week about the feelings that his care and gentleness bring up for me and why they rip me apart later. My son started to SI today though and I had to put him in a hold... things got worse from there and now I am triggered. So... email 3 to T letting him know I am NOT going to want to talk about it Thursday but we need to talk about what happened today. That will be the hardest conversation we have had so far.

[Omers]

It’s Monday... T day... but not today, he is not in the office so I see him Thurday trying to remind myself that I will see him Thursday and then again Monday and how nice it will be to see him so close together.

So... another recurring T memory...

My stove has not worked for several months and I am supposed to be on a special diet so I don’t have to take medication. T knows this and it bothers him that the stove is not yet fixed. He said, very candidly the other day “my wife would tolerate that *maybe* ONE day” then he started to say the kitchen is the heart of the home but stopped himself. He could tell that the previous sentence was causing more reaction than he intended.

What does “would not tolerate” look like in a reasonably healthy marriage? I can’t see them screaming at eachother much less hitting or throwing someone out. I can’t figure it out. When I told hi I could cook on the grill if I wasn’t being such a ***** I thought he might loose it (sad and angry)... apparently even for a man that loves his grill, grilling in snow is not an acceptable way to feed a family? Thank god I didn’t suggest the fire pit! But he gets so sad. Sad that no matter what I could take care of myself. But to see him look so sad... and me knowing there are so many worse things yet for him to hear. Makes me wonder what might happen to me if I start to see things the way he does

[DP_2017]

Sorry you can't go today. That sucks when it happens. I hope Thur comes quickly for you and you have a good sesssion

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Omers

I

My stove has not worked for several months and I am supposed to be on a special diet so I don’t have to take medication. T knows this and it bothers him that the stove is not yet fixed. He said, very candidly the other day “my wife would tolerate that *maybe* ONE day” then he started to say the kitchen is the heart of the home but stopped himself. He could tell that the previous sentence was causing more reaction than he intended.

What does “would not tolerate” look like in a reasonably healthy marriage? I can’t see them screaming at eachother much less hitting or throwing someone out. I can’t figure it out. When I told hi I could cook on the grill if I wasn’t being such a ***** I thought he might loose it (sad and angry)... apparently even for a man that loves his grill, grilling in snow is not an acceptable way to feed a family? Thank god I didn’t suggest the fire pit! But he gets so sad. Sad that no matter what I could take care of myself. But to see him look so sad... and me knowing there are so many worse things yet for him to hear. Makes me wonder what might happen to me if I start to see things the way he does

I'm sorry, but I'm not getting it. Is fixing the stove your partner's responsibility? Is what your T is saying that you could hire someone to fix your stove?

For most people, not having a working stove would be a deal breaker for the home. If you were renting in the u.s., this is something the landlord would have to fix. If you own your own home, this would be a priority for most people who expect to have to fix things pretty much all the time (if you live in an older home like I do). When I had a problem with my stove, I fixed it right away because I do like to cook and I need to cook.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I'm sorry, but I'm not getting it. Is fixing the stove your partner's responsibility? Is what your T is saying that you could hire someone to fix your stove?

For most people, not having a working stove would be a deal breaker for the home. If you were renting in the u.s., this is something the landlord would have to fix. If you own your own home, this would be a priority for most people who expect to have to fix things pretty much all the time (if you live in an older home like I do). When I had a problem with my stove, I fixed it right away because I do like to cook and I need to cook.

Ahh yeh, you and T are on the same page. We rent but we violated our lease so we fix things when they break to be able to stay here. If I go get a new stove and put it in Hubby will get all ****** because it is against gender norms for him.

[Omers]

So much from yesterday’s session. But... T held my hand. We were working through why we could not anchor a safe place so T wanted to try something different. Short version the abuse/neglect, by T’s definition started when I was very little, too little to remember even though I remember pretty far back. We ended up talking about being neglected as an infant and not having been touched or held. Then he reached out and gently but firmly put his hand on mine. All I could do is look at him teary eyed and say thank you. He held my hand the rest of the session. It felt really good to have T sitting close and holding my hand. I really liked that it was spontaneous too and he didn’t ask, made me feel normal. He knows I have a history of fearing men so he is usually very cautious. Spontaneously touching me made me feel like he knows I trust him and he can trust me to say no if I need to. Before anyone gets crazy though... T and I have talked in the past about me sometimes wanting to hold his hand but I have never asked. Yesterday’s session fit the times when I wanted to hold his hand. So, while it was spontaneous I had made it clear in the past that it was something I wanted.

[Anne2.0]

I don't relate to the use of touch in therapy (but have no general issue with it for other people), but I think your anecdote here is a beautiful example of how having that former discussion about touch was an amazing thing and guided your and your T's interaction in such a lovely way. Thanks for sharing this.

[Lrad123]

I’m also someone who does not have a need for touch in therapy, but I thought this was beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

[DP_2017]

Very awesome he was willing to hold your hand, the convo spooked my T more than I've ever seen him spooked before and lead me to feeling terrible about myself. I wish he could have given me that when I needed it but it is what it is

At least he never took hugs away

[Omers]

Last session T was very gentle and supportive as always. We discovered that my history of neglect started way younger than what I had ever considered. T was super gentle, supportive and nurturing.
I came home, took a much needed nap and did evening chores then off to bed. Now I don’t remember most of the last session. I know I left feeling really supported by so many things T did... and now I don’t remember it. T didn’t get an email this week so I can’t look at that.
I’m scared of what T is going to ask of me tomorrow now that he wants to do inner child work. I am trying to remind myself that T does not allow me to stay stuck in a painful place. He always helps me to move and get through the pain. I’m wanting to push T away. I can see this huge wall of resistance flying up so I tried to do something different and made a baby blanket if he wants to do inner child work but I really just want to push him away.

[Omers]

Had a good session with T today. He let me talk about what I was going through and experiencing after last session (my whole world unraveling) but we didn’t “do” anything with it, he just made space for it and then we moved on. More nurturing the inner infant/child today with a little more success than Thursday. He was excited to tell me how something I made and left with him as part of my process was used by someone in his group therapy session last week and how excited he was about what it brought out in different members of the group. And... at the end of the session he held my hand again, this time with both of his hands. He also let me know that when I am feeling resistant to our work it is OK to tell him or to push against it, resistance is part of the process and I don’t need to try and contain or avoid it... he isn’t going to label me as difficult or a problem client if I push back as we try new things or he challenges me. He seems concerned about the long time between this session and the next (he is out of town next week), so it is nice to know that it isn’t just me being needy.

[DP_2017]

He sounds really great!

[Omers]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

He sounds really great!

After 20ish years of therapy with 8 or so different T’s... YES! He is totally awesome. This is the first time I have worked with a male T and I never in a million years would have guessed a male T would be more (appropriately) nurturing, sensitive, understanding and willing to meet my needs.

I spent the first 20 years of my life deathly afraid of men and the next 20 uneasy but OK. I am discovering with T that once I get past the fears of physical threats from a man I am MUCH more emotionally trusting of men. I trust women not to physically hurt me or take advantage of me but it is nearly impossible for me to emotionally trust a woman.

His biggest concern in taking me on as a client was that he would accidentally trigger my fear of men and I would run and terminate without talking to him about it. Now he has a hard time getting me out of his office 🤣.

[hopealwayz]

I like your T. I am glad that you have a great T!

[DP_2017]

I miss reading about your awesome T, anything new happen?