[GeekyOne]

I went to see my T today. As usual.

She didn't come out to get me. She's often up to 10 minutes late... I waited for 30 minutes before getting up to leave.

A secretary noticed me and asked if I was waiting for T, and I nodded. She said that T is not in today and I should've received a call to reschedule (I didn't). She said there was a death in the family (though T's pdoc-husband was in the office).

She took my name and number so someone(? T doesn't have staff) can call me to reschedule, but that was pointless. T can rarely fit me in later in the week and never if a cancellation is due to her schedule... and she said last time that she would be out at a training next week.

I'm hanging onto life by a thread, and she understood that enough to be concerned last week. I don't think she can fix it, but I wanted to see her. Now it's likely to be at least 2 weeks.

I am a horrible person for being upset when she's the one who lost someone.

[piggy momma]

I have to admit, I'd be pretty upset too. I get that mistakes happen and things get forgotten when dealing with a death, especially if it's sudden, but I'd be pretty irked. I hope she would work extended hours or something to accommodate her "must see" clients this week (it sounds like you would be one of them).

If she doesn't come through for you do you have someone else you can talk to in the interim? Are you able to keep yourself safe?

[GeekyOne]

Thank you for responding, validating, caring.

I know crises happen, and no one can do it all. It's just... she's not supposed to be human, have a life where things happen... she's supposed to be my infallible, unflappable T.

I could call my pdoc, who does some therapy with me as well. I just saw her on Friday, and will see her again this Friday. I don't want to bother her though, and I'm scared to call her service (yes, I know that's dumb). And it seems pointless. She can't fix me either. I don't know what I'd say.

I probably am safe for the next day or two. Thank you for asking/caring.

Originally Posted by GeekyOne

I am a horrible person for being upset when she's the one who lost someone.

You are not horrible because you do feel bad for her loss. But you also [legitimately] feel equally bad about not being seen. You feel bad for her and bad for yourself at the same time. And that's perfectly okay.

I understand she had an emergency, but she should have a backup person for you in an event of emergency since she knows that missing a session is really hard for you.

[Taylor27]

I too would be upset i think it is normal to have these feelings. Im glad you have your pdoc, i hope your t gets back to you

[SlumberKitty]

I'm so sorry that happened, for both you and your T. I wonder why the receptionist didn't tell you sooner? That seems strange. I would feel forgotten about too if that would have happened to me. You sound like an empathetic person, you care about what is going on with your T but also you have feelings and struggles and you wanted T to be there. That's very reasonable. HUGS to you. Kit

[GeekyOne]

My T called me this afternoon while I was at work. The call came through on what must be a clinic line, because my phone identified it as my Pdoc's number. I don't think I would've taken the call at work if I knew it was T.

She said she'd had to travel suddenly (due to the death in the family), and couldn't call me herself to cancel my appointment. She'd had her husband call, and she double-checked his phone... it shows he called my number. Perhaps my carrier or my phone glitched and I didn't get the voicemail. She said she was told that I didn't get the message and she's sorry for that.

She won't be here next week, between the funeral and a conference she was already scheduled to attend. She asked what would be helpful, and did I want to talk on the phone. I said I was at work. She said okay, and I could call after work today, tomorrow or the day after.

I am home now. I... don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, or what would help. I'm still hurt but I understand that's not... rational. Or fair.

[SlumberKitty]

GeekyOne, Feelings aren't always rational, or fair. You feel hurt. That's understandable. And it is what it is at the moment. I know what you mean about not knowing what would help. I'm like that too whenever my former T would ask me that, I would look at her blankly and shrug. I'm sorry that she won't be there next week. That makes it a long break. How do you feel about the break? Can you do something nice for yourself during what would have been your therapy time? HUGS Kit

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm glad she got in touch with you and explained what happened. But sorry you won't be able to see her next week either... Do you think it would help to talk to her for a bit? Maybe you could give it a try? I know it can be weird on the phone if you're not used to talking to your T that way, but if you're looking for a little support, it could possibly help.

[GeekyOne]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

GeekyOne, Feelings aren't always rational, or fair. You feel hurt. That's understandable. And it is what it is at the moment. I know what you mean about not knowing what would help. I'm like that too whenever my former T would ask me that, I would look at her blankly and shrug. I'm sorry that she won't be there next week. That makes it a long break. How do you feel about the break? Can you do something nice for yourself during what would have been your therapy time? HUGS Kit

Isn’t the point of all the CBT stuff to identify irrational feelings and like... (somehow) not have them?

The break is really long and I know it’s only 2 weeks but I feel like I’m only able to make choices about living on a really short time frame of a day or two.

It’s hard to do something else during my therapy time because I leave work to do it. Maybe I’ll use the copay $$ for lunch out of the office though...

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm glad she got in touch with you and explained what happened. But sorry you won't be able to see her next week either... Do you think it would help to talk to her for a bit? Maybe you could give it a try? I know it can be weird on the phone if you're not used to talking to your T that way, but if you're looking for a little support, it could possibly help.

Yeah, it’s good she called me, I guess. We’ve done a few phone sessions before. They work okay for skill intensive things. It’s harder though to feel her presence, to feel safe. Maybe I’ll try to call her tomorrow.

[Amyjay]

It's okay for you to feel how you feel even though she can't help it. Your feelings are actually quite rational and normal. Any human being who is hurting and relying on something for support would reel from losing that support, no matter what the cause.
Your feelings are valid, and her situation is valid too. It just sucks and I am really sorry that it happened at such a bad time for you. I feel for you.
The phone call won't be the same, but it might help more than not having it. It's okay to take as much help and support as you can. You need it. It's okay to need it. She will offer what she can give.

You only need to get through one day at a time. Not two weeks. Just get through today. Tomorrow, all you have to do is get through tomorrow. The next day, you only have to get through that day. You don't have to get through all the days. Only 'today'.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are hurting. When you are hurting the thing to do that helps is be kind. So be kind to you to help you get through the days.