[MoxieDoxie]

Todays session left me confused. He did something I think was called mapping. He is trying to figure out exactly at what age I decided I did not deserve love or whatever. He started with me visualizing me at 1 month old and asking if I deserved to be taken care of and loved. Well yes babies are not bad, helpless and should be taken care of. So he did this all the way up to 3 1/2 years old where I agreed children that age deserve to be cared and loved for but when he got to 4 I had a problem. I was struggling internally and that is when my dissociation started.

What's the point? What type of healing is going to come about from this? Maybe it is more for his understanding I suppose.

I am not familiar with this mapping that you speak of. If my T mentions it, I may run out of the room!
But seriously, maybe it was to identify something helpful that may not be in your explicit memory?
I'm sorry it made you feel the way you do. Maybe T will have some insight for you next appointment.

[growlycat]

I would find this problematic because memory is so fuzzy before age 5

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I would find this problematic because memory is so fuzzy before age 5

He was not asking me to remember anything he was asking me at each age if I felt I deserved to be taken care of and loved. I agreed any baby, me or otherwise deserved to be taken care of as they are not bad or evil but helpless but when we creeped up to age 4 that feeling of deserving stops.

[Omers]

My T did something very similar with me but he lumped it in with inner child work. We discovered that my trauma started much younger than I thought which helped us both understand some of the challenges I have more clearly. I’m sorry I can’t explain it better, those two sessions were really hard and I even had to have T stop at one point. The experience sucked lemons and I know we have more to do... but I can say after the second session of it I could see some potential benefits.

[here today]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

He was not asking me to remember anything he was asking me at each age if I felt I deserved to be taken care of and loved. I agreed any baby, me or otherwise deserved to be taken care of as they are not bad or evil but helpless but when we creeped up to age 4 that feeling of deserving stops.

That's interesting. I never did anything like that in therapy, but it seems interesting.

Broken record here, it was only 6 months after my last T terminated/rejected me that how I felt about what she did got connected up with how I felt so -- awful -- from a time about 4 years old. No specific event that I recalled, just the feeling. But I hadn't remembered the feeling prior to that -- and it was really awful to re-experience. Several days in bed with depression, a month or more before I was somewhat able to function again. I wrote about that here at the time, 2 years ago.

So damn hard sounds like a good description to me. There may be more to be uncovered, of course. And yet that's probably the key to getting "better"? If that's possible. Which it might be. But it sounds like your current status is surviving, but not really living. So we go on for somethng which is hopefully -- but is not guaranteed to be -- better.

So . . . damn. . .hard.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by here today

That's interesting. I never did anything like that in therapy, but it seems interesting.

Broken record here, it was only 6 months after my last T terminated/rejected me that how I felt about what she did got connected up with how I felt so -- awful -- from a time about 4 years old. No specific event that I recalled, just the feeling. But I hadn't remembered the feeling prior to that -- and it was really awful to re-experience. Several days in bed with depression, a month or more before I was somewhat able to function again. I wrote about that here at the time, 2 years ago.

So damn hard sounds like a good description to me. There may be more to be uncovered, of course. And yet that's probably the key to getting "better"? If that's possible. Which it might be. But it sounds like your current status is surviving, but not really living. So we go on for somethng which is hopefully -- but is not guaranteed to be -- better.

So . . . damn. . .hard.

Hmmmm...None of my former Ts ever tried this kind of work with me. I think I would have freaked out. And maybe benefited.

For a long time, I couldn't imagine being a parent because deep down, I didn't think anyone deserved to really be CARED for, because I never was. I no longer blame my mother for emotionally abandoning me -- I think she had no other choice, but I still was left with this idea that I didn't and don't really deserve love.

In some ways, I wish that former therapists had gone into this kind of discovery with me, regardless of what it was called or how it was shaped. I don't know much about this approach, but it sounds potentially valuable.

But so...damned...hard.

[Amyjay]

No... No I think this exercise would have been for your understanding too.

Understanding doesn't often come all at once.

[MoxieDoxie]

I am not someone who gets weepy and cries at movies but today I have been tearing up and every damn thing. What ever that session release I want it put back in the bottle.

[Amyjay]

Every release brings you that little bit closer to the other side of it, where things aren't too hard anymore... There is no way around but through.

It doesn't have to be all at once.