[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post. Advice, experiences, support, any input at all I guess. Sorry that it got so long...

In my session on Friday, my T shared some personal stuff about one of his kids with me. I'm sure it was not meant in any harmful way, but I did not take it well. I managed to voice some of my issues with it during the session, but it was maybe 10% of what bothered me about it. We talked about it for a bit, or rather mainly my T talked. We had to wrap up pretty soon after. When I left, I felt horrible. I know my T felt like it was an okay end, I didn't tell him that I was still struggling or hurt. I ended up almost walking in front of traffic and crying in public before getting too drunk to really care about what's going on anymore.

This weekend I managed to distract myself for some amounts of time, but whenever I don't have anything to do, I end up thinking about the session and get a lot of different feelings and thoughts about it. I haven't been thinking about suicide in any kind of serious way for about 6 months now, but now such thoughts pop into my head constantly again. I feel more or less okay right now, but I know that I won't have loads to do at work next week and will probably just sit there thinking about all this for 8 hours a day.

I really feel like contacting my T. But just on Friday we discussed our outside contact. We usually have a call about once every 2-3 weeks. I used to have two sessions a week, during that time I never had a phone call in addition to the two sessions. But now that I work I can't go twice a week and I need more calls again. T said that he's worried I depend too much on him. He also said that I don't share a lot over the phone plus that he thinks doing real therapy over the phone is not possible anyways. It's true that I usually don't say a lot. I already have trouble opening up in session and opening up in just 10 minutes is just too hard for me. In addition to that, it's really uncomfortable to be in some public space and talk about suicide or something like that. I just don't feel comfortable enough. My T always stresses that I can contact him if I'm struggling though, so it'd be certainly still okay to do so.

I'm a bit hesitant to contact him. I'm playing with the thought of leaving him a voice mail, since then I could at least call while I'm at home and by myself and say what's bothering me in some kind of summary. But the outcome of such a call would be either that he suggests we talk on the phone tomorrow or that he thinks (as he has in previous similar situations) that it's not possible to talk this through on the phone and that I should come in for a session.
On the phone we'd still have the same problem, he works while I work, so the most privacy I could get is on a bench outside where people can just walk by. Going to a session would of course be great, but unless I fake getting sick after lunch and take the afternoon off, he'd probably not have any opening I could make. So, I'm really unsure about whether I should even call. I really want to but it feels like it'd only help since I could say what I'm feeling while he's not even listening.

[healed84]

Are emails allowed? You could email your thoughts on the matter and that way you can get started right with that topic when you get in session next time? Do you think a phone call will help you? If yes, then do it. If you think it something that really won’t be solved via phone, and may not help your current mood. Then I personally would either email and expect to talk about it next session or just hold on to it until the next session altogether.

[ElectricManatee]

It seems like you are assuming that a phone call won't help at all, which might be true. But I know that sometimes when I feel really down, I assume that nothing will help so it's pointless to try when that might not actually be the case. It seems like thoughts of suicide would warrant a phone call (or at least I know my T thinks so). I hope you can figure out a new normal that works for you now that you have a job. I have gone through several job/life changes that have affected my therapy schedule, and it sucks every time.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

It seems like you are assuming that a phone call won't help at all, which might be true. But I know that sometimes when I feel really down, I assume that nothing will help so it's pointless to try when that might not actually be the case. It seems like thoughts of suicide would warrant a phone call (or at least I know my T thinks so). I hope you can figure out a new normal that works for you now that you have a job. I have gone through several job/life changes that have affected my therapy schedule, and it sucks every time.

Agree with EM, here. Have you decided if you want to call your T or not?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Agree with EM, here. Have you decided if you want to call your T or not?

Tried to see how I feel in the evening. Still didn't do well, so first I tried to call him, but felt like he wouldn't understand me due to crying too much, so I texted him instead. Will see what he says in a few hours, he only works in the afternoon.

[velcro003]

hope you hear back from him

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Thank you!

He texted me to offer to talk right away about two hours before he starts working on Mondays. We had a 10 minute conversation which was actually mostly him reassuring me that I can call whenever I need to, but he said if I'm still struggling Wednesday, we can talk again.

I think I'm mostly fine for now

[velcro003]

I'm glad to hear it, CNS.