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#501
I'm going to waste this whole last week off work by endlessly vaccillating between calling you or not, aren't I. I so suck.
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LabRat27, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
10 375 hugs
given |
#502
1 year ago today I saw you for the very last time. How I wish I handled things differently.
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LabRat27, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,839
12 3,162 hugs
given |
#503
One too many cigarettes slowly burning down
And the final cup of coffee was cold and full of grounds Maybe one last pipeful might send the words around... Still, underneath my hands This night has slipped away It leaves me as empty as this page One more candle flickers out The night is turning grey, And I just can't watch the dying flame I have to walk away So tonight, I have burned all my candles Leaving only ashes in their wake And at times I get so hard to handle Simple songs leave me behind, they all have taken wing And I'm left alone to hear the song a lonely candle sings Stan Rogers - __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#504
Quote:
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#505
I know you want me to sit in the chair, but that would make me feel less close to you, even if it was physically closer. It feels too formal.
But maybe I won't sit quite so far away on the floor. I need closeness today. I wish I could sit against you, put my head in your lap, but somehow I doubt you'd allow that. |
Anastasia~, Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#506
Dear T:
Possible trigger:
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Anastasia~, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#507
Well, you tried
You completely missed the mark But it's the spirit that counts Last edited by LabRat27; May 22, 2019 at 12:25 AM.. |
Anastasia~, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Moderator
Community Support Team Member Since Dec 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 54,234
(SuperPoster!)
8 10.5k hugs
given |
#508
Dear Old T,
I lied to you about something and now I'm paying the price. I guess I can be honest about it with current t but I'm scared to face this. I only lied for my own protection.
Possible trigger:
-Butterfly |
Anastasia~, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#509
okay fine you at least said the right thing eventually about this being not logical or rational and it being scary
I did kind of have to guide you there, but whatever. Thank you. I wanted to say yes to increasing sessions for the next few weeks, but I really don't think I could make that work time wise. Taking part of the afternoon off two times a week is already a lot. I wish you worked weekends... I guess I was kind of stupidly hoping you'd text me or something at the end of the day. Are you just going to put me out of your mind until Friday? "oh, good, you're still alive" I wish I knew if I was allowed to have anything more than this right now. It wouldn't even have to be forever. I wouldn't expect it to be. Just until I get the treatment. Can I please just send you one text? Can I ask you for reassurance that you care, a text that will be there every time I need to check to reassure myself? Remember back in the summer/fall near the end of the IOP and when there was the private practice insurance stuff and I wasn't seeing you and you would call me about updates on the insurance and scheduling stuff? You'd ask how I was doing and it sounded like you cared. I'd never admit this, but there were a few times it was late in the evening, I assume after your last session, and you ended the call with "goodnight" and it felt weirdly intimate and comforting. I really really want that right now. |
Anastasia~, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
7 692 hugs
given |
#510
T. I always tell you I am okay, I am okay, we are okay. I always tell you don't worry, it doesn't matter, we don't matter, no REALLY, it doesn't, we don't, nothing matters because we are always okay, no matter what, at the heart of things we know that we are always and will always be "okay".
But ARE we okay? Yesterday work was so hard, so awful, so traumatizing, so overwhelming. We came straight home from work, straight to the bedroom, pulled everything closed and dark and stayed there, not wanting light or life or anything, just wanting nothing, wanting everything to stop existing. There were hours of just. trying. to. breathe. and whimpers and silent sobs and hitting and tossing and turning and punishing and switching and wailing and SHing and SUIing and so very much distress. Hours and hours of hurting and darkness. And then it was morning. We got up and got dressed and went back to work to do it all again. Is that "okay"? ARE we "okay"? |
Anastasia~, Elio, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
11 129 hugs
given |
#511
Dear T: That was interesting. Asking you for an extra appointment this week before I've even seen you once. Have I ever done that? I don't think so, and I don't really know what it means, except that I felt some urgency in something that seemed like a reaction (and was) instead of a response; I was wound up in a way I haven't been for awhile and it seemed like I wanted to just control this thing and fix it for good.
Now I know that some things cannot be fixed for good and there are some things I just have to live with and even these things cannot ruin me or ruin my life or ruin my budding new love. But I don't know where that line is between what needs more work and what needs to just be acknowledged that this is my scare, this is what it looks like, it doesn't much hurt anymore but here it is. |
Elio, SlumberKitty
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...............
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,912
17 8,779 hugs
given |
#512
Oh man, stress
Possible trigger:
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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#513
Dear Ex-therapist -
We’ve past the one year termination mark. A year seems to be the magic timeframe for moving on. I don’t feel a connection to you anymore and the anger is fading. When I was in therapy with you, I was envious of all the unattached ‘normal people’ who didn’t feel like they needed to be tethered to a therapist 24-7. I’m finally living in the moment and out of the waiting and longing pattern! You would never be the type to give me the satisfaction of being happy for me about this, but I’m happy for myself and I dont care what you think anymore. It feels wonderful! |
Elio, LabRat27, SlumberKitty
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circlesincircles, Elio, LabRat27
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Roses are falling.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Seattle.
Posts: 9,779
(SuperPoster!)
7 10.2k hugs
given |
#514
I said I wouldn't email, but It didn't feel right to just no show on friday .
__________________ |
Anastasia~, Elio, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,162
6 1,834 hugs
given |
#515
You're good, and helpful, and understanding, and I'm very grateful for you. I'm also a bit relieved that my attachment towards you has felt so much more secure over the last few weeks. I don't miss missing you constantly and so painfully.
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Elio, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#516
Dear T: I failed. And I'm having trouble getting out of the cycle I'm in. Can you help me? Kit
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Anastasia~, Elio, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#517
I can’t believe my mind is running through the option of no-showing tomorrow. Again. Our session today went fine so I don’t understand. Could it be about wanting to be in control?
EDIT: Ok, I worked through that on my own and I’ll be there bright and early tomorrow. Last edited by Lrad123; May 22, 2019 at 09:26 PM.. |
Elio, LabRat27, SlumberKitty
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Moderator
Community Support Team Member Since Dec 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 54,234
(SuperPoster!)
8 10.5k hugs
given |
#518
Possible trigger:
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Elder
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: Where? US
Posts: 5,621
14 101 hugs
given |
#519
Butterfly, stay strong.
T, I feel anxious to see you just wish I didn't have to wait another week. But at least I'm going on vacation. |
88Butterfly88, SlumberKitty
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88Butterfly88
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Moderator
Community Support Team Member Since Dec 2015
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 54,234
(SuperPoster!)
8 10.5k hugs
given |
#520
Thank you puzz. Enjoy your vacation.
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puzzclar
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Closed Thread |
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