Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Love you. At least this week is going quite quickly.

Thank You Artie, yesterdays wobble was because of all the traveling. not sleeping well + hormones.

I'm better now though

T... please do some research on why conversion therapy is harmful ok? I know you don't know, and I rather do the labour than you stay ignorant. I wonder how different our worlds are...

I know what my old world says, how they market their training courses and workshops to therapists.

You've witnessed so much anguish from me, please believe me when I say people need LGBTQ affirming therapy and that conversion therapy causes harm.

Dear T,

I miss you but I also am terrified for my next appointment. It has been a long 4 weeks.... only one more to go. :/ I really hope you haven't changed in that time....

I hope it's okay to say, I hope you really get what you need here. I know there are many examples of how the U.S. is behind other countries, but at least this is pretty well settled here (except for certain political figures). In most states, the therapeutic licensing boards have taken formal stances against conversion therapy, and that is so very right.

Conversion therapy is wrong, and I think you deserve a T who understands this.

I see T this week, I hope I'm wrong about my fears. I'm antsy and mistrustful of T because it's Pride month which also means the proponents of conversion therapy get vocal too... And licensing boards here don't take formal stances

I remember her telling me one long ago session while I was sobbing my guts out "QM, hear me, there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ", so it's not that I don't trust her... But she did ask me last session quite puzzledly "how is conversion therapy harmful?" because I brought the topic of meeting survivors up (therapeutically related). I tried explaining but I struggled to explain. She even knows (or maybe she has forgotten?) I can't ever come out to my parents because they'll send me to conversion therapy (I had already been threatened with exorcism for my anxiety and "rebellion" as a teenager).

I went to an LGBTQ affirming T briefly but he wasn't trained to treat complex trauma, plus I'm deeply attached to T.

(there was a time ages ago when I had a huge rupture with her because she insisted she wouldn't need LGBTQ training. Some people understood why I was so upset and insistent, while some others said I just wanted to be "special" and was being unreasonable.)

Dear T:

It is good to have these two weekly appointments before a three week break. My travel will naturally break the summer up even more. I so much appreciate that you save my weekly spot for me even though I'm sure there is another person who could use it more efficiently. You could make more money by giving my spot away and fitting me into other places in your schedule. I know that our values allign in that there are many more important things than making money. But it does make me feel cared for in a way, that you will show up for every session that I do, that things you actually say might not.

The other thing I notice lately, in addition to feeling cared for, is a couple of things you've said have really stuck with me in this past week. It's not often that you say something where the content just feels resonant, but makes me think more about that (don't mean to imply that what you say isn't significant). Just that "poison into medicine" is a quite profound understanding of how I am in the world, career and family. And that other thing you said, that when you get something in life that you really want, it makes you realize how much you didn't get it before, and that's it's own kind of loss. But I feel ready to accept what I'm being offered now: connection, intimacy, joy, happiness. Just really ready. And knowing that is the benefit of whatever's happened in the last 10 years that's led up to this. Nothing is wasted. It was all for some kind of thing, and I'm glad. And grateful. And in awe of the whole thing.

Dear R,

"So weak in this need for you" .

I think this is very complicated stuff and what pings for me is that there have been different phases of my queerness and different things I needed from therapy and therapists during them. It feels like maybe more discussion about these things may be necessary for you. For instance, I can see my current T (who is a het male) not needing any LGBTQ training because he has had so much experience, including working in various clinics in a liberal US city, working with clients and learning that way. I don't know if this is true for your T or not. Personally when it comes to T's, I go for experience and the ability to understand people no matter what they bring over formal training or specializations or whatever. I kind of think that having said "there's nothing wrong" with it tells you everything you need to know.

On conversion therapy being harmful, I think some T's are naive and just assume that the people who seek it or get it are willing participants, because they don't know much about it. And there are real live people who claim they "converted" successfully and I wouldn't challenge their experience of feeling that to be true. And because you live in a country and a world that promotes this to be true. But in some ways this seems like a red herring (irrelevant) to your therapy because you're not doing that. At the same time, it feels important for you to describe how conversion therapy is related to your family and your feelings about yourself and how you relate to the outside world. So it sounds like there is more to talk about with her. I hope you feel like you are able to.

These issues are really on my mind now, as I'm in a relationship with a woman again after a long marriage to a man. I know your relationship and family situation is different than mine, but I wanted to empathize with the struggle to be true to yourself, in and out of therapy, when you have roadblocks and obstacles in the way. The U.S. has come a long way with civil rights, and my family and friends are open and accepting, but there is still a lot of bigotry and prejudice in this country, and of course it's more difficult in yours. I hope you can get what you need from your therapist, and that she rises to the occasion when you need her to.

I apologize if anything I've said is intrusive in this thread. Sometimes there isn't another place to put things.

I really, really, really appreciate your words Annie 2.0 And I empathise with your struggle too

Dear T,

I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about certain things because the therapy is so CBT-focused. There are things I'd like to process with you and tell you about, but I'm worried it's outside the scope of the therapy we do or it's too much to bring up. I chicken out a lot and don't express everything I want to say. Also I miss you constantly.

Hi L. I keep imagining the conversation should I call you to ask for a session sometime soon. In 11 days it will be 4 months since I saw you last.

Why am I so damn stubborn?

Dear T,

I’m not okay and I am no Hercules.

Still no pharma results when she said “next week”, which is making me think the worst.

I’m overwhelmed. I have my younger sister staying with me but all i want is you. I doubt you will even be able to see me tomorrow or on Wednesday instead of my normal Thursday session which I have to skip because of my latest exam.

Dear Dr. S,

I'm back to loving you and seeing you as mommy.

Was that terror on your face about my question, like am I serious about it and you don't know what to do? If it is terror, was it at having to tell me no or at maybe us actually doing it? You made it sound like it was perfectly fine for me to do it at my house, so why not there? What would be the harm? If I don't ask, then there can't be a yes - that's what you taught me so far. Honestly, I'm not sure I could handle a no, so I probably won't ask. So, if you decide after some thoughts that it could be a yes, I think you'll have to bring it up.

I'm also worried that if I don't ask you I'll get mad at myself or at you or both. Sigh.

I love you,
-me

1. It took a lot of self control to not respond to your reply text with "whatever" or "**** you." I still think your answer was sorry and I'm getting frustrated that you still don't get it.
I've been breaking down crying intermittently on and off since the session.
2. I might check myself into inpatient. Less for my immediate safety and more because I need a break from life and it seems like the only other option other than the permanent kind. So I guess that's still for my immediate safety, in a way. But I don't think "i need a break from life" is supposed to be a reason.
Will you call?
3. I still want to do it.

Look at you exT an assistant editor of a growing psych ezine.

Hey I hate u right now and yeah I lied abt the voices . Doesn't matter tho , I'm not coming back for a while again. I HATE leaving ur office distraught .

It is not worth it!!!!!!!

I can tell when ur having an off day

It effects me more than it should for sure. I DO NOT LIKE THIS POWER U HAVE OVER ME.

Dear T: I think at some very deep and profound level, I have trouble accepting my own desires for what I want. Thinking that it is okay to have what I want. That is all. It rarely feels so simple to me.

I am struggling w something this morning. Did I run away (from therapy, myself, you, our relationship, etc?) Or did I rescue myself from myself before I could destroy my marriage and break the vows that I spoke in front of God? But.... would breaking those vows have been any more of a sin than not being true to myself (created by the same God) must also be? I am so confused. What do I do? What????!

I know what. Get really real with my writing in poetry class this semester.

Just wanted to say, creative writing for the purpose of figuring out what's true to me has been a long-standing useful thing. Natalie Goldberg, a really great writing teacher (Writing Down the Bones is my favorite) says to "go for the jugular." Good luck with it!

Thanks, Anne. I'll look her up.

I started a poem earlier today that's actually doing just that, so much so that I'm already stuck a little afraid to continue.... so I must.

Ugh, T. I actually had something to talk about tonight and your kid is sick. Of course. Sigh.

I'm actually proud of how far I've come from when we first started.

Thank you for never shaming me about the transference.

It might sound simple for me to say this but try to get to a quiet place- close your eyes and press pause for now, the answer will come to you.