Anger at therapist

Hi all....

I have posted about this on other places, and I just kinda need some feedback from people who might understand more.

So I am really unsure about what to do with t3. I am not sure if this is all bad news/red flags.... wether I should keep trying with him once insurance is sorted or not.... I've never experienced this before so it's weird to me.

I have had a very weird mix of emotions about him since we met. Initially I loved his email response to my questions and I decided to try him, we found out that, with my crap luck, my plan is the only one in the insurance company I use, that he isn't covered with, so he said he was gonna apply. He wants to be covered in all of them.
They said it could take maximum 90 days but less than that most likely because he's already in.

Anyway, so early April I decided to try him anyway, I paid his regular fee out of pock of 100$. I wanted to see if he was worth bothering with. I left feeling very angry and annoyed with him. However, I sat on it a bit and emailed him explaining how he made me feel judged and how I hated his response to my crying. He apologized and it was just a very kind email, so I thought, ok, I will try him again.

He has an option of 60$ if you can get in day of...so I took a chance the following week and he had something. I went and it was, well, weird but good. I cried yet again, I am not a crier but it came out easily both times there. He also got me talking about my childhood and it's something I never do. He was very knowledgable about things like attachment and Narcissistic parents. He also specializes in a area I really need help in but it isn't very common in T's locally.

Yet, I went home and was very mad at him yet again. This time, I was more in the "I need to push him away NOW" mindset. He scared me. I know I would never attach, because as an avoidant, I don't really anyway, things with T were very different and he encouraged so much of it. Yet...I noticed small things about him that remind me of T... and I just got a bit scared..... which made me feel even more distant.

Then this weekend, I went through hell with my so called best friend, we hadn't spoken in weeks and reconnected again and she basically just made me feel worthless. I was frustrated with baby T because he's so popular now, I can hardly get in, even weeks in advance. So I texted t3 on Tues to ask if he had anything. He took 8 hrs to reply and say no. I wasn't mad about the no, but I was just frustrated that everything was going nowhere when I needed it. Yet, I was angry with him.

I emailed him again, explaining how hurt I felt about the long delay and why I felt I needed that session. He again replied kindly and explained he's busy with clients often (I'm not used to busy T's, it's very weird for me to get used to) and I was hurt but moved past it quickly. I saw baby t Thur (for the last time, at least for now) and got home late and saw t3 had emailed me saying he had a potential slot Fri for me, so I waited until morning to ask about it and 3 hrs later, he said he no longer had it because he had to pick up his car or something. I went from not caring at all to massive anger. I actually cried over it... and I can't handle the emotions this man gives me, when I don't understand it.

So yes, I over reacted or whatever but it was never really about the text or emails. I was fine with a no. I understand I'm not an official client. I just have never experienced this types of emotions, at these levels so quickly with anyone. I'm very confused. I don't know if it's good to keep working with him or not.

I mean, right now i'd be waiting until insurance. I don't want to keep playing the wait around game and not being able to make plans. I have baby t still if I REALLY need it, even though it would be a week or two out to get in. I also don't want to really look for any more t's right now. I'm not against it in the future, I just am too exhausted right now

I am assuming this is somehow related to my feelings of sadness, anger, frustration etc with T.... but I don't understand why I am taking it out on t3 and i never did with baby T. I also am not sure if I was to keep going with t3, this is something I should tell him. I feel bad enough he has to deal with me.... but at least he's paid to do so.

Thoughts?

** I should add, after second session, I had a dream about him, I was screaming at him and trying to push him into the wall... but it was also close to the 2 yr point of meeting T, so I think that's connected there **

Sounds like T3 has tapped into something about you that is hitting a deep nerve. That's not necessarily a bad thing; it might be what you need. Sounds frustrating waiting to know if and when he'll be able to pick up your insurance, but he has little control over how long that will take.

I think what you say in your last paragraph makes sense. About the anger being sort of displacement at the anger you have felt towards T and not been able to express to him. I would work with it with this T, if you think he is going to be good enough to help you. That's your call of course, but sounds like some useful feelings are being raised for you. My T said that anger is a feeling that is supposed to go outward, not inward, so if you are able to feel that anger towards a steady T that might be no bad thing.

Oh I'm not blaming him at all there, I had insurance issues with T as well, I know how annoying it can be. Not his fault at all.

It's just sucky waiting....

Ya I agree and it makes me mad because I still love T deeply and still very protective of him. I think of him every day and miss him always... but obviously leaving hurts... and so I need some way to deal with that part of the grief. I don't have anyone in real life outside therapy I feel comfortable enough to talk about him to so it's all just been festering.

The dumbest thing... he "Reminds me" of T in the stupidest ways. He has a beard and uses smilies in his emails. Like what on earth lol...

Although I can’t relate to your exact experience, I do identify with some of what you’re saying here. For a long time I felt anger towards my T which was very disconcerting for me because I’m not usually an angry person. But something about being in therapy triggered anger and the whole “I need to push him away” feeling in a very intense way (I even sent him and F*** you email which was totally out of character for me). Maybe part of that had to do with my being avoidant and/or generally self-sufficient (which I suspect you can relate to) and suddenly being thrust into this therapy relationship that felt very out of my comfort zone. I decided that I was kind of curious about my discomfort and stuck with it. I’m glad I did because even though I still feel uncomfortable at times, I also feel like I’m growing (or at least can feel the potential for growth) and am finally getting something out of this relationship. Not sure if it would be the same for you with t3 (or babyT) but just thought I’d share. Maybe the anger you feel is something worth exploring or enduring for a bit longer to see where it leads. Or maybe not - only you can tell.

Thanks, it might be worth exploring, but by the time I could actually see him, I likely wont even be angry anymore and wont bring it up. I am just trying to understand it for myself and see if it's good or bad to go with someone in this case

What your situation is, is more like T with me... although I wasn't outright angry with him, I was scared out of my wits to "fall" into the trap of attachment. I knew instantly when it was happening and I told him for weeks I wanted to push him away and then I sent the email that ruined everything and caused the biggest rupture ever.... thankfully we got past that but in the end, he still left.

So while I'm ok with feelings happening, I will not allow myself to get throw into the bond/closeness again. I would run, very fast. I've told him and baby T that on day 1. They need to remain distant and I will remain guarded.

I did laugh at you sending that email. I would have totally felt like doing something like that with T but I barely know t3, that seems out of line lol

I think it's interesting that T3 triggered this sort of angry response. I'm only guessing here, so I'm sorry if this sound stupid, but could it be a bit of transference? You said he reminds you of T, so maybe subconsciously, all the anger and hurt is coming to the surface and you're projecting this onto T3? You maybe didn't have that with baby T because he didn't remind you of your T?

I also think that maybe these emotional responses can be good in terms of working through your grief. I guess a T who taps into your feelings like this has the added benefit of bringing them to the surface so that they can be worked through. It's one thing to work through grief from an intellectual place and a different thing altogether to work through it from an emotional, raw place. The latter is, in my opinion, infinitely harder but also much more rewarding in the long run.

I think if T3 can get you into a regular slot he will be able to do you a lot of good... provided you can withstand the anger between sessions which sounds defensive to me. Sounds like he could really help so your defenses get angry wanting to push him away.

At least to my credit, I've been completely honest with him and every T since my T. He knows I am angry with him, he knows he hurt me, he knows I want to push him away etc.

I guess I will wait and see how I feel whenever this gets settled, could be months from now and I may just get tired of waiting

The part I bolded, oh damn. That hit me. I see why I struggled and gave up with baby T. He started out good because he allowed me to talk and never judged what I said but he didn't really get me emotional. I cried 2x with him but once was reading a letter for T I wrote.... while he responded the way I like to the crying and he wasn't weird about it, it just got pushed away and we moved on to another thing quickly. I always felt sad, angry and cried about T stuff after sessions because it was never let out there properly. You are likely right here. In fact session 1, I was angry with t3 and told him this because he said "He should't have done that, you didn't deserve that" and I instantly got defensive/protective of T and shut down. I emailed ranting about that specific thing. So.... maybe it could be good, that's the thing about this T, he intrigues me... because it feels very different to "therapy" I'm used to.

It sounds to me this is anger towards the first T for leaving you. Sounds like him reminding you of T1 brings it up easily, and it could be a real good thing for you. If he is a decent T it sounds like a great opportunity to work on all those emotions.

I’m not sure that this necessarily applies to your situation, but when I started to consult with other therapists after my painful termination, I was really sensitive to signs of my own unimportance to new therapists. Definitely carry over and rawness from my first therapist.

One therapist I really liked after a phone consult didn’t have an opening for three weeks - which stung badly since I felt like I was stuck in limbo and on the cusp of panic. I too was accustomed to a not-so-busy therapist with a lot of flexibility, who would have certainly fit me in had I been in duress.

Another therapist I also liked after a phone consult mixed up our first in-session appointment time and I spent the hour I had hoped would be therapeutic outside his door trying not to overhear the person he mixed me up with. That felt pretty humbling and belittling too.

After both experiences, I was angry at the entire institution of therapy!

There's the element of fear, I have been honest with every T I've tried so far, about not wanting to be there and wishing they were T instead, of no interest in bond or closeness. I was able to remain detached with baby T which was good. I didn't get sucked into therapy too deeply like before. I am not afraid of that happening, I think, at least for me, I am able to be aware of whats going on and keep a distance in a sense so that doesn't happen and plus with different boundaries, it likely wont.

So there's the added fear of forgetting T or replacing him somehow by being there, I mean, I don't even enjoy silly stuff or jokes etc, it's really hard for me. It sucks because there is so many things T did with me that helped me relax and everything but I refuse to do any of them again. t3 offers video sessions, and I was thinking ahead because I hate winter driving and don't want therapy long term (years and years) that when Dec comes and its the 1 yr of losing T that's a good option BUT I'm too shut down at the idea because T and I did video chats often. It's "our thing" and it's dumb because he's no doubt moved on and replaced me in life, so Idk why I'm so stuck with that with him.

I am unsure how long before I could really see t3, right now I wont email or text him any further unless he emails me saying insurance went through, so by the time it would, I probably wont care and I'd have to wait for him to anger me again for all this to fester up. By then, if it's too long, I may return to baby T or see someone else too, who knows

I do agree, it's probably very related to T though.... T even told me that he thinks I will be angry at him and not want to meet up in 2 yrs. I laughed and disagreed, well I might be right, I don't think I'll be angry for that long but I am shocked I am hitting the anger phase of grief this hard.

I can get that. I don't want them to care about me beyond a job anymore, once care gets involved, it becomes a very icky situation and I'd rather avoid that... but I do want to at least feel like they pretend I matter a small bit. I am pretty sensitive to being ignored, my family does it constantly (I told him this in the email) and T as much as I adore him, made me feel ignored when he wasn't really understanding how much hell this was causing me in the end.

I don't blame you at all, I honestly am sick of therapy myself. If I knew a way to really get myself out of this mental funk besides that, I'd do it. I could save money that way too

Have you thought of taking a break and doing other therapeutic activities instead for a little while? Accupuncture targeting emotional release felt very cathartic for a time. Gentle massages also helped. Neither involved a connection which honestly, I wasn’t up for.

Dabbling back in therapy after being devastated by therapy left every other therapist feeling like “not my therapist.”

I am currently on a therapy break. I have no intention of going back to therapy for a while. If in June or July t3 says the insurance thing has worked out, I will then decide how I feel about it. He knows I wont do long term, and that if I do stick with him, I will take many breaks to prevent any sort of "bond" or feeling like therapy over takes my life. He is ok with that. So ya for now.... I am actually thinking of going a boxing class for my anger issues.

That sounds like a great idea. I think it will give you a chance to just “be” for a while, and also give you a chance to see what place if any you’d like to give therapy in your life.

Boxing class might also offer an opportunity to meet others under more balanced terms.

I’m sorry the whole t situation has been so complicated; waiting is hard especially when emotions are running strong. I feel like somehow this could be a good situation when t3 is on your insurance. He seems to bring out intense emotions in you that could be helpful to work through and process. I hope the boxing class helps the anger feel more manageable in the meantime. I know from personal experience that anger can be a difficult emotion to cope with when it’s not something you’re accustomed to feeling.

I'm actually angry at him for bring out these emotions, LOL. Poor guy. We will see how it pans out.

I did decide to be very direct and write out all my thoughts about this with him and the anger and save it for if/when we meet again and I still feel it's relevant. I don't want to beat around the bush this time, I don't want to get sucked into the "therapeutic relationship" topic in sessions like before so I'm trying to stay focused.

I am gonna take my brother boxing too, he also has anger issues but expresses his in dangerous ways so it's good for both of us.