[Lonelyinmyheart]

Hi everyone, as you can see I'm brand new to the forum although I did post many years ago under a different name (which is long forgotten). I promise I will reply to other threads in due course so I'm not just thinking about me, but I'm really distressed and need to post.

I've been seeing a great T for a few months and the transference is kicking in pretty strongly. I've had therapy in the past but never felt able to approach the issue with those Ts either because I was too scared or they simply didn't really work that way. But with this T I've started to slowly approach the issue in a roundabout way. She is very attuned to me (normally) and I feel that whatever I say is okay.

However today was exceptionally difficult for me. I had my session with her, but a couple of hours beforehand she text me to ask if I could come an hour later as she was having to take her child to the out of hours doctor. I was already feeling depressed (I have depression) and the text really upset me. I was hurt that she mentioned a child (even though I kind of knew she had one, just didn't like to dwell on it much) and that she was moving my session to care for that child. I didn't say this in the text back of course, I just told her that was fine and that I hoped her child was okay.

When I went to my session, I thought she might have realised that her text might have triggered me. We have talked about issues around my mother before so it just seemed that she would know. I was close to tears prior to the session thinking about what an idiot I am feeling awful about this because of course T has a family and has a duty to them, I wouldn't think any different. And yet....some small part of me is hurting so much. When our session started, T didn't refer to the situation at all, she just asked how my week had been. That threw me a bit but I did my best to talk about everything else. All the while though, I was feeling this intense pain about T and her family. As the session went on, T seemed quieter than usual, possibly my perception but she just seemed different, not so attuned to me. I was too scared to raise the issue because how the hell could I when it was about her own family? I was scared that maybe it meant she was really sick and it might affect T being a t to me. My mind was all over the place and I couldn't function.

Then near the end I sort of panicked and said there was something I wanted to say but couldn't. T encouraged me to and I blurted out that the text had been difficult for me. She asked if I was angry about it and I said absolutely not! I finally managed to say that it made me sad. T said that made perfect sense given everything I have said about my family. She said she should have been more mindful about what she was saying and that she was a bit angry with herself. I said it wasn't her fault, it was me for being so bloody stupid. T said I wasn't, but I feel that I am.

So it was talked about - a little, very near the end - but I feel absolutely terrible, more so than I could admit to T. The issue about her text was right on my mind the entire session, but it was the elephant in the room I just couldn't say. I feel so embarrassed now. I know T understands and that she was probably preoccupied today (understandably so) but I feel so pathetic. I knew T had a family, Ive known for ages, and yet somehow now it's making me realising that on some level I must want T to be my family and have something special with her, which will never happen. I thought I knew she was only my T in my head, but somehow I must long for something more regardless of that knowledge.

I am hurting so, so much, I'm hurting also that this messed up the session. I know T would probably have rearranged if she really couldn't do it, but she didn't want to let me down, plus I am going to be away (for a funeral) this week, so it's just really crappy timing.

I feel so awful...sorry for this post I just don't know where to go with this.

I am so sorry you are hurting!

I think your response to her text is totally understandable, and it sounds like your therapist feels the same way.

I think it’s really brave that you could express your feelings and hope you can be gentle on yourself right now.

I don’t have any answers around how to get the pain to go away but as someone who experienced painful transference for a very long time, I understand how hard it can be.

Please hang in there! You’re not alone.

[Amyjay]

Oh, I too am sorry you are hurting so much. It is hard to be gentle with ourselves when our own histories and triggers trip us up and stop us from getting the support we need in the present. this kind of situation just all round hurts and feels so totally unfair.

You are not stupid. You are not silly. A really hurt part of yourself was triggered by the text about T having a family to take care of, and that pain makes so much sense. T just didn't put two and two together, she didn't see what was happening in front of her. Thank goodness you had the courage to blurt it out at the very end! It is important for T to know.

It sounds like a part of you is really hurting with all this sadness about not being able to get what was needed then and fearing not being able to get what is needed now. What a hurt and lonely place to be. I am glad you were able to reach out here, even thought there is nothing we can "do" to help you feel better. But I'm glad you were able to say what happened for you today, and how you feel. That hurting little part of yourself needs love and care!

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3

I am so sorry you are hurting!

I think your response to her text is totally understandable, and it sounds like your therapist feels the same way.

I think it’s really brave that you could express your feelings and hope you can be gentle on yourself right now.

I don’t have any answers around how to get the pain to go away but as someone who experienced painful transference for a very long time, I understand how hard it can be.

Please hang in there! You’re not alone.

Thank you for your reply and understanding. I'm sorry you experienced transference as well, it's torturous isn't it.

Thanks for saying I'm brave too, T also said that but I was left feeling totally embarrassed and ashamed and pathetic about the whole thing. I guess that is par the course.

It's good to know I'm not alone with this.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Oh, I too am sorry you are hurting so much. It is hard to be gentle with ourselves when our own histories and triggers trip us up and stop us from getting the support we need in the present. this kind of situation just all round hurts and feels so totally unfair.

You are not stupid. You are not silly. A really hurt part of yourself was triggered by the text about T having a family to take care of, and that pain makes so much sense. T just didn't put two and two together, she didn't see what was happening in front of her. Thank goodness you had the courage to blurt it out at the very end! It is important for T to know.

It sounds like a part of you is really hurting with all this sadness about not being able to get what was needed then and fearing not being able to get what is needed now. What a hurt and lonely place to be. I am glad you were able to reach out here, even thought there is nothing we can "do" to help you feel better. But I'm glad you were able to say what happened for you today, and how you feel. That hurting little part of yourself needs love and care!

Thank you for your empathy. Yeah it's awful when you had more or less planned in your head what to say in the session and then life throws a curveball at the last moment. It threw me completely and I didn't know how to handle it.

Yes, T just didn't see it. I think she was probably blinded by her personal situation and didn't think it through at all, which is fair enough, she is human after all! And have to say that so far she has been a very empathic and attuned T. I just hated having to find the courage - only at the end - to mention this. But I'm relieved I did as I would be feeling far worse now if I hadn't said anything at all.

It feels extra hard because it's so intrusive - it's about Ts family, and it wasn't for me to ask how her child was (not that I would, but the whole situation was about that) so I feel awful to be feeling like this while her child was sick. It makes me feel so selfish and pathetic. It also makes me realise that no matter what, I'll never be that way to my T, and I'm not sure how to cope with knowing that. I'm actually considering dropping therapy and not having to deal with all this, which is probably the wrong thing to do but I can't help how I feel at the moment. Maybe deep down I'm angry as well, angry that I didn't have the kind of childhood that Ts kids undoubtedly have with such a great parent.

It does help to come hear and know others feel or have felt similarly.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Hi. Just to say I have replied to both of you but my posts haven't been approved yet because I'm new. Didn't want you to think I just haven't responded. I think it takes a certain amount of posts before I can be accepted without approval so I can post now but those earlier ones are still pending.

But I'm trying to be gentle with myself it's just really hard. Can't help thinking therapy is completely pointless because it's just ends in disappointment and longing for something I can't have. I know I need to try and deal with these feelings with my t but it feels excruciatingly difficult because it involves her personal life!

[coolibrarian]

Sorry you are hurting, but glad you shared with us. In the beginning of my therapy, I found it difficult to admit similar feelings to my T. Even now, many years later, it can still be hard. But I encourage you, gently, to talk to your T about WHATEVER is on your mind, no matter whose family it is about. Talking about your disappointments and longing may send you in a new direction, for something that you CAN have.

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Can't help thinking therapy is completely pointless because it's just ends in disappointment and longing for something I can't have. I know I need to try and deal with these feelings with my t but it feels excruciatingly difficult because it involves her personal life!

My therapy certainly ended in disappointment and longing for something I can’t have, but I wouldn’t call it pointless either. I think even in painful, damaging situations there’s room for growth and learning too.

As you probably know, there are quite a few horror stories on this board, but an equal amount of healing stories so beautiful I’ve been brought to tears. It sounds like your therapist is understanding and has responded very respectfully to your feelings so far. You also seem willing to share what’s bothering you - even if it’s a last minute outburst. Those are good signs.

If I were you, I’d just keep a pulse on how you’re doing and ensure therapy is helping your depression vs making it worse.

PS - Her personal life isn’t personal if it impacts you. I would talk about it as much as you need to.