Couch 196: Cinnamon Swirls

I hope I don't cry. I have very rarely cried in front of my gp besides when I was really depressed but the past couple of days I just burst into tears over everything. The cats knocked their tower over for the umpteenth time which never bothers me but i was sitting on the floor sobbing plus I little traits of ocd flaring up all the cutlery has to nestle together which is instantly ruined when you close the drawer.

It's OK to cry. I cried in front of my p-doc a week ago, which I rarely do. I cried on the phone in the session with my T's backup T when he was on vacation (because I was really struggling that week). And I told T that I don't bother wearing eye makeup to session,because I know I'll likely cry.

On becoming more social. Is it better to push your self and be miserable and radiate your discomfort to others or say something along the lines of I am not feeling well or just not say anything. I am surprised by the response I got from the fb art group because the guy who does them on yt talks a lot about his depression and anxiety and a large amount of people were supportive because they suffer too but prior to this no one had said a word about their mental health.
There's a girl in my art class who is even more shy than I am I can at least speak up and ask questions.

One of our ex prime ministers has died. I forgot he held a world record for beer drinking. Guinness world record 1954 A yard of beer in 11 seconds

Really all I want to know from ex t is why he didn't understand I got angry and made a mistake. I am leaning towards it's his problem, but I just him to be honest because they expect honesty from our side.

My T tried to encourage me to be more social in like the fifth session. I turned the tables on him. Like attracts like. Right now I am hurting, unhealthy and surrounded by drama... healthy people don’t want to be around that, they want to be with other healthy, fun people with similar interests. If I make friends now I am going to surround myself with people like where I am now who may or may not be trying to grow. I came to you to get healthy so I am socially attractive to and attracted by healthier people. He dropped the friend thing for a bit and is modeling a healthy relationship and helping me change some of the things that keep healthy people from wanting to be around me. I come here in the mean time for my social needs because yes, we are all here because of our struggles with mental health but most here are trying in some way or another with what they have available to them to heal. No, it isn’t lunch with some girlfriends chatting away about the latest..... but it is similar people with similar troubles AND a similar desire to become more whole.

Trigger warning for anger/frustration, bad language. And ranting... total rant...

Part of me wants to start a new thread and part of me is saying F that I just want the couchies (and couchie lurkers). I am in such a F that mood. T stirred up all sorts of attachment stuff last session and I am waiting to see if he will respond to my email... if he doesn’t by 9:30ish tonight it is unlikely he will and I will have to wait until Monday. He will get an email after Pdoc tomorrow either way though. But, in the moment I just want to light cuss bombs and throw them about in a great circle and pull the pins on cuss granades and just put on a cuss storm that out rumbles the current thunderstorm shamefully back to the north.
Why? Because T. Because former Fing T’s.... Because T.
Someone mentioned a book or video on here some time back... after the “end” of last session I brought up the forum and the good, bad and crazy that can be found here and I mentioned that someone here mentioned some big pop psychology book on here and T turned his back... I knew what was coming... I didn’t remember the author, the title, if it was a book or a video... just that someone had mentioned it and T turned around... it was like T suddenly saw the post I was talking about and in turning around so as not to face me mentioned a name... yes, that was the name.... well... crap on a cracker... now hearing him SAY the name it clicked that he had also brought up that name a week or two before when I said it would be much easier to read about this crap and learn to do it than practice with him. Yes, it was the same name he had said then... I said at the time that I bring everything to academics to make it safe and then try it out... reading a book seemed like no more of taking a risk to be present to him than sending an email rather than talking face to face... he didn’t defend himself... now someone here had his back... and he could not, would not turn to look at me as he muttered about it being mostly good stuff, at least the books he had read... back to throwing cuss bombs.
I am like 4 pages in and it is totally me and it is totally struggling with what he identifies as core reasons why people are not whole regardless of how they got there... my way of getting there was just more dramatic and messy... more cuss bombs... lets just light up the field across from me with cuss bombs that put the fireworks on the 4th of July to shame. If only each dramatic bolt of lightning and rumble of thunder resounded in a ginormous F! I would feel gratified that God had heard my inadequacy in the human ability to cuss and was sending the storm to be my voice...
Every other T I have worked with has left me feeling bad, broken, more hurt, helpless, incapable of healing... a bad client, a too damaged client, a too much client, a defiant client, a lazy client....
Now I am 4 pages in and realizing that for current T I am exactly who he wants to be supporting. I am exactly why he still does this. I am exactly the client he needs me to be and I will continue to be the client he wants me to be. Cue lightning.... CUE LIGHTNING... awe heck... more cuss bombs... clients like me are WHY he shows up to his office every day. Clients like me are what bring joy and purpose to his work no matter how messy we get. I am exactly the client he can help become whole.
He doesn’t know I listened. He doesn’t know I got the D* book or that I’m reading it... he does know I have been living it, engaging it, since 2 minutes into session 2... he went easy session one and did “normal” T crap... sympathy, active listening, head nods... him in his chair, unreachable... me on the couch uncomfortable... but session two... session two he threw me right into the middle of this. And held me up gently with his words when I froze. Every session since he has invited me to engage and being the creature of habit that I am now I would feel awkward if I didn’t engage the ritual but either way I still engage the goal.
I want to drive down to his Fing office and bear hug him until he starts coughing... but I am pretty sure his abs are stronger than my arms... and there is the technical difficulty of not being invited and the security system. If he is going to pull this crap I just want him to hold me super tight, super secure for a minute and tell me “yes, I heard you and we are doing this. You are going to be whole again”.
Part of me wants to wrap it in my weighted lap pad that reminds me of his office and throw the D* book dramatically on the floor between us next session when he asks about my feelings over the past week. Part of me wants to copy and email this to him because I am pretty sure he would get a good laugh... but part of me would want to see him laughing.

Ok, end rant. Thanks Couchies... need tea and good chocolate now...

Oh Omers! sending hugs, tea and good chocolates!! you got this!!

BTW it is also totally OK to laugh at me... I know I can be funny when I get my unders in a bunch... especially if you are not offended by language.

I was giggling but not at you - at myself - i recognized myself-awhile-back in your cuss bomb thoughts...

I didn't understand it. There is some book that you told the therapist about or that the therapist told you about?

Was it someone on here who posted a video of the film flam man? That's how I feel after the meeting my head is spinning from words, words that didn't really say anything and he sort of apologised but sort of didn't. Lleaned on the ethical stuff and finally admitted there were family issues that he needed to reduce his practice. I suppose that's the truth and I feel that's the truth.
I have begrudgingly agreed for the community team to see me but it was made apparent that if I didn't it would all become involuntary. I am undecided on the T front.

I can be rather random and all over the place. Someone on PC mentioned a book or video a while back and posted a link. I shrugged it off as BS pop psych.

A couple weeks ago I mentioned a goal of connecting with T face to face so I would pester him with emails. I joked about wanting a book because books/academics are my safe place. T took me seriously and mentioned an author but it didn’t click because when I read it on here I pronounced it differently in my head. But I said reading a book on how to connect face to face seems as silly as my trying to connect to you face to face with email like I am now. T did not argue or defend himself, he just let it go.

In talking about PC last week I threw out there that someone had posted a link to something about this. I had NO idea it was the same author he mentioned a couple weeks earlier. When he wouldn’t look at me I KNEW it was important and he said the name again. Well then it clicked... so I got the book today.

4 pages in and I totally could have written this book... if I had gotten there before the author did. She sounds *just* like me... spot on... and what she is moving towards is the connection I am trying to have face to face with T. So... I have to admit that reading the book, while allowing me into my distant academic comfort zone, totally moves towards the goal. It also let me know that if T likes this book like he said he does then he really does like working with me, he IS being authentic.

So I went totally 3 years old and needed to have a good temper fit that I may still copy and send him...

A lot of people like brene brown.

I am glad there was at least a kernel of truth in all the bs

Yep, her.

From things he has alluded to I think someone in his immediate family had cancer.

I read this as "when i get my udders in a bunch"

Isnt that the collective noun for udders. Just yesterday I saw a bunch of udders just standing in a paddock

My D and I decided that if there were schools of fish and dolphins were way smarter they must a university of dolphins or maybe a Mensa of dolphins