My life is falling apart

Congrats on the new job! HUGS Kit

Such fantastic news!! And so glad you'll be able to go over things with your therapist and get that support.

Congratulations on the job. I know that's a weight off.

Regarding your husband: He may not be abusive as in always abusive which sure can make knowing how to approach the situation fuzzy.

I know you said he didn't want to see a therapist, but it sounds like he has a hard time handling his own fears, anxieties, etc., and it comes out as verbally abusive language toward you at times when what you both probably need is to be able to support each other.

Even if your husband won't go to therapy, this is an important dynamic to bring up in your own therapy because your therapist can help you learn to set clear boundaries about what kind of treatment you accept from other people and perhaps problem-solve a bit.

My husband went through a bit over a year of very out-of-character behavior that my therapist helped me see was very emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive; it was actually emotional blackmail. It was a reaction to his own stuff and really wasn't about me, but I was the "safe" target for venting his anxieties.

Fortunately, my husband was willing to also see a therapist. But the real change came from my own setting up of clearer boundaries about what I would accept and realizing how I had, without realizing it, enabled his behaviors simply because I was so "safe" and patient with him. But internally, it was tearing me up and creating additional issues in my own healing process.

My therapist helped me figure out how to set boundaries and "teach" my husband what I would and would not accept. Yes, he didn't like new boundaries at first (we hear a great deal right on this forum about how upset people get when boundaries change even when they are needed). My therapist told me there would be push back for awhile, and there was. But between my healthier boundaries and his therapy, in a matter of a few months, things improved.

I would say our relationship is on much firmer ground now and for the most part, my husband doesn't fall back into that pattern anymore. Every now and then, he'll slip a bit. It's been happening some this last few months because he's been in excessive physical pain, but the difference now is that I can call him on in (respectfully), and he responds with sincere apology and makes the needed adjustments.

So I started to feel tonight, and then I realized I actually wasn’t . I don’t want to , I just don’t want to feel worthless anymore and like I’m a bother to my husband. This is good for me though because even though intellectually I’ve been able to make this connection before (that I’m actually upset about something else and I’m just having an extreme reaction to it), this time my feelings were able to follow almost immediately and actually feel upset about the event that made me upset in the first place, instead of turning it all inward towards myself.


Thank you Kit!!

@coolibrarian, I almost always attempt to walk away during an argument. He will follow me around the house and yell at me for trying to leave the argument. Sometimes he’s right and we actually do need to talk it out and I’m being avoidant, but a lot of the time I’m just trying to prevent us from fighting in the heat of the moment as I know it does no good.

Thank you Anne2.0, I appreciate it!

@H011yHawkJ311yBean I definitely feel very relieved! It’s good to know things are moving in the right direction (financially at at least).
And I wish he would do those things too. That’s where I feel a therapist could help, but he says he already knows what he need to do and just needs to do it, so therapy won’t help...
@ArtleyWilkins, you’re right in that I really need to share all this with my t when I see him. I feel like sometimes I don’t let me see the whole picture of how my husband treats me because I’m sort of embarrassed/ashamed and also don’t want my t to think badly of him.. or on the contrary, think I’m too sensitive and just complaining too much.

Thank you LT! Honestly I would not be surprised if this was related to depression. I really really wish he would see a t because I feel he has so much unresolved stuff from childhood that’s contributing to this significantly.

Thank you! I’m really glad to be able to continue with him also!

I think this is a really important recognition for you. And although it's standard psychotherapy trite b.s. to say "nobody can MAKE you feel anything," I would suggest perhaps this is a sign that this relationship is not right for you, no matter how you label his behavior.

There is a book called The Hidden Job Market. It’s main focus is to go directly to employers rather than using job boards. Look on the website of large organizations in your area and find jobs there. The competition is a million times less. I got my last job that way.

Get a roommate. Roommates.com