[SlumberKitty]

I’m trying to figure out what to tell T tomorrow about the SH I’ve done this week. I mean I can tell her the specifics, which days I SH-ed, which days I didn’t, stuff like that. But I don’t really have a clue as to what prompted this relapse. I know it’s not rational, it’s emotional, but I can’t pinpoint the emotions behind the actions, and I know T is going to want to know why.
It’s like there is a break down point, when I’m trying so hard to not SH and expending lots of energy into that, where eventually I run out of energy, break down, give in, and SH. But is that a reason? Excuse? Both? I can’t pinpoint a specific “thing” that made me go back on my word, give in, and relapse. So, I’m really not sure what to tell T tomorrow. I’m perfectly okay telling her I messed up, I made a mistake, I SH-ed. But beyond that I have nothing. I know my emotions weren’t good this week. Lots of depression. And she’ll say, maybe your meds need to be adjusted, and I will tell her I just saw PDOC and things stayed the same on that front. Medications can only do so much. They put me in the range of being okay most of the time. But eventually SH sneaks up and I get into a cycle, much like I did this week, where there is several days of SH.
I know T might try to help me figure out what happened before the first SH incident. But nothing really happened. Of course, there was me putting myself down, saying negative things about myself because that’s what I do before I SH. But I draw a blank as to a specific thing that happened. It wasn’t like I got in a fight with my parents and went and SH-ed for example. There was just me, worn down, out of energy, out of acceptable coping mechanisms, and wanting to change how I felt.
Does this happen to anyone else? I’m still going to go to my T appointment even if I have no idea what I am going to say. I’m trying to collect my thoughts beforehand. Hence writing this post. Maybe someone out there in PC land understands? HUGS Kit

[SlumberKitty]

Also T might ask, what's going to help you get back on that horse and not SH? I have no idea.

[velcro003]

I think what you described are reasons for SH-just being worn down, i relate. You spend so much energy NOT doing it, that giving in can feel like a release.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I think what you described are reasons for SH-just being worn down, i relate. You spend so much energy NOT doing it, that giving in can feel like a release.

I agree. I'd honestly tell her basically what you wrote here.

[SlumberKitty]

Thank you Velcro and LT. I think I'm afraid T is going to be like, that's not a good enough reason. I always worry about that, about not being good enough. Like I am not good enough. I think that's what it boils down to. Me not feeling good enough. Of course, that fuels the SH too. Then the cycle continues.

[Elio]

There is a concept of willpower fatigue. I'm not sure how much I buy into it. It does sound like what happened here with you and what seems to happen with me and my eating issues. How you describe SH is pretty much how I describe my binge eating behaviors; cycles and all.

My T tries to get me to see that I am doing the best I can at any given moment to cope. I think it's her way to try to get me to shift away from the guilt and self negativity that comes as part of the cycle.

[Elio]

Oh, and another thing, these coping strategies have been in place for a long time for most of us and they stick around because they do help alleviate something for us. I think a part of it is that it will take time for the things we try first to bring enough relief often enough that we find ourselves not falling into these cycles.

I guess that's my hope at least.

[Anne2.0]

I agree with the other wise advice on your thread and want to wish you well with it. Whenever I don't know what to say, just starting with the truth of what has happened has not led me astray so far. We all do things that we know are not good for us, although only some of these are labeled "self harm." To stop doing them requires breaking that association between what prompts us to do it and actually doing it. Bob Newhart (old TV show) had an episode where Bob (the therapist) just shouted at people to "stop it." It was funny because it was so true, but everyone's path to just stopping it is different. I do think if you just explained what happened, your T may have a more objective perspective and maybe can see things you can't about what's linked to what.

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks everyone. T seemed to really understand that there wasn't a specific incident, just I got worn down from not doing it and the stress of just everyday life. She said there needs to be an energy that's metaphysical to help me. Okay I really don't know what she meant by that, but we also talked about needing a new routine to replace SH and the obstacles to doing so. I thought it was a very positive session and I plan to write it up IST. Thanks again everyone.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hugs, Kit.

I'm so happy that your T seemed to understand, and is willing to help you work out a new routine to replace SH. I've grown rather fond of you, and would like to see you around these boards a lot longer yet.

Lost