Today I took the decision and told my therapist how I feel

Today I had my last evaluation session with my T and prepared to tell her how I feel. I had to decide whether or not to continue with her.


Earlier in the week I talked to the two other people I´ve seen just for support and brief counseling while waiting to see this new T and told them how I feel.

With one of them I just cried and I was very upset about how I felt because of the sessions with my T.


I though weighed pros and cons, emotional and non emotional factors and decided I would tell my therapist I want to end it with her and switch therapists.

I almost didn´t make it to session as I was so anxious but I stepped in to her room and she started out with something and I told her I was sorry about it but that I want another T.

I told her I feel our relationship per se would probably create too much anxiety even if I understand the value in being challenged.

I told her I need more emotional validation than she gives me and that I need a T who shares a bit about herself.

I more or less expected to be dismissed and told I wouldn´t be referred to another T but she discussed it with me. She asked several questions about it and what I want from another T and I tried to explain.

She said she would talk to her colleagues next week and call me back about a final session time to discuss possible new therapists or a possible new therapist.

She also told me she had went to our meeting with the aim to start a therapy with me which feels a bit sad now when I told her I want another T. I told her I don´t easily just say goodbye to her like it was nothing even if I feel my decision was right. She told me she doesn´t either.

It´s mostly a projection but I feel a bit sorry for her (not in a condescending way) as I in a way turned her down even if I know she isn´t that emotionally affected by it.

She told me I had now "practised" in a relational setting and I asked her if she felt criticised by me and she told me she didn´t feel that way but that I was honest with her.

I feel this was kind of a progress and that I managed to talk to her without rushing out or being defensive. I hope she feels this will be the right thing for me as no one can know if I and my next T will be a match. But I really hope so.

What do you think and feel about this?

I think she was very solid and am also sad you quit with her.

It seems she had a lot that you needed/wanted except for the validation part. I wonder what she would have said to you about starting therapy with you had you not been decided when you got there. She seemed to have done an assessment that some analysts do, so she must have saw your strengths and potential if she was going to take you on. You do have many strengths, such as insight into yourself.

It was good you were assertive and that she gave you a bit of feedback. It sounds like a more ideal ending than you had with your other Ts.

I had a really good feeling about her being someone who could help you.

I think it’s definite progress, Sarah. Brava.

Thanks. Yes, this was a very difficult decision as I don´t know what to expect or whom I´ll meet next. But I thought back on how she responded to me when I brought up I didn´t feel welcome and I felt she was strict about how to conduct therapy and not.

She expected us to start therapy, she said so to me. But she´s not in such an emotionally vulnerable state as I am and probably she saw my behavior which sometimes was passive-aggressive as something to work on.

But I didn´t dare take the chance and I have also felt very bad over the sessions with her so I felt this was right. If I had paid out of my own pocket, perhaps I could have given it some more sessions but now she also said we shouldn´t "shoot in the dark" when I felt hesitant about it.

She showed a bit of a softer side today, perhaps that was because she felt she didn´t have to keep up such a strict approach when we were to end our contact.

But; endings are still hard and it´s a bit of a "you don´t know what you have" situation even if I put a lot of thought to this decision. I just hope I won´t regret it. I keep thinking my hesitation about starting therapy with her was there for a reason.

She also had to get an idea of how you would tolerate treatment. If she was all warm and fuzzy, she wouldn't be able to assess your issues as her behavior would be influencing you. Her being neutral brought out you as you.

Glad you feel your decision was right. Hope it works out for the best.

Thanks. Yes, there´s a delicate balance between challenge and validation. The tricky thing is to know whether a therapist will be like during the assessment or if she´ll be different later on.


I didn´t get the apprehension that this was only her "evaluation session style" but more of her general way of conducting therapy.


As you say, her way of meeting with me brought forward different sides of me and I felt the relationship would have caused me too much anxiety to be fruitful. But I can´t know for sure, I thought this decision would be easier as I´ve felt so bad about how she acted towards me in earlier sessions.

sounds like you've made some positive progress doing what you feel is best for you and advocating for yourself...you definilty have not taken any of this experince lightly, and that is something you can feel proud of.

definilty trust your gut on this one....

I think you did absolutely, fabulously great. You told the truth and it sounds like you got the truth in return (that she was willing to work with you, even though you didn't want to). And by telling the truth, nothing bad happened (she didn't shame or blame you). Instead, she tried to help you (with finding a therapist better suited to you. I hope it all works out for you.

I also think you did great and probably saved yourself from unnecessary frustrations. I think it is important to listen to one's instincts when choosing a therapist and if it does not feel right and compatible from start, it probably isn't. I do not believe a client needs to adapt to a Ts style, especially when it is a clear misfit. Good luck with finding someone who is better for you if you still want therapy!

I think a lot of people on this forum pay cash for therapy and so have many choices, where Sarah has said she has very limited choices.

If I understand correctly, it's even more rare to have access to therapists who do long term therapy as this one did. I could be mixing her up with someone else, but I think Sarah may have been searching for the right therapist for at least 3 years.

Hopefully this Ts assessment and referral will point to new resources.