[And then]

I think my psychologist wanted me to express anger, to speak up if there was a problem and I am wondering if he acted like an ******* for the last sessions to achieve this. It seemed like he was uninterested, unconcerned and bored. A session or two before that he told me I needed to express these frustrations even if it was directed towards him. It got to the point I was so hurt and filled with anger that I called (I never call) and left a voicemail message of me breaking down sobbing and pretty mych yelling about how he doesn't care.

Next session... totally different. Back to his old self. He was caring, concerned and sweet. He brought it up, we discussed it and he told me he was happy I said something.

Now I'm not sure what to think. I'm relieved, but confused. Has anything like this ever happened with abou of you here?

[Echos Myron redux]

I would discuss this with him. If he seemed uninterested and bored you can say so and he should reflect on that. If he did it on purpose to elicit an angry response, that wouldn't be okay with me at all.

[Out There]

I see this is your first post , so welcome to the forum and I hope you will benefit from and enjoy your time here. I would discuss this further with your T , as he seems happy that you said something it could be productive. Feeling relieved but confused is not necessarily a bad or negative thing if reflected on , as in we may not have been able to express anger or frustration in the past and have things still be OK. Hopefully processing will continue for you from this.

[Merope]

It’s hard to tell without knowing your T. Maybe he was preoccupied by something personal? I’m not sure if being mean would be a good strategy to make someone express anger. I think it’s good that you discussed it with him—maybe brining this up in session would be a good idea? Especially if it’s on your mind and causing you confusion.

[Anne2.0]

I think it is very difficult for one person to know another's intentions, motivations, or what they are thinking or feeling. All you can know is really your own, and at least for me, I'm not always very clear. Especially because a lot of us operate with these things in the background or subconscious. I've been surprised by myself when I examine my own intentions to discover underneath what I thought I was doing was something else.

But to state the obvious, therapy is a relationship, where one person's actions influences the other person. And part of what T's do is respond to us. So I hear your story as you were open and honest with your T on this voice mail, and his response to your distress seems really normal to me, to express caring and concern in response to your distress. This seems like straight up healthy relationship stuff to me. And of course when you are skating on the surface and not expressing much distress or uncomfortableness yourself, he doesn't respond with care or concern. I do think therapists are bored by people who don't open and share themselves in therapy. But why wouldn't this also be a normal response to you? I think truth begets truth. You put your truth out there, and T responds with his truth. This is the opposite of manipulation. I think manipulation would be to respond with defensiveness and/or anger to your distress, a message of silencing.

I think rather than going to a place where you think he is manipulating you (and of course, it's worthwhile asking yourself if you feel other people in your life manipulate you), why not examine how you impact him (or others, of course). This has been a useful inquiry for me, to ask when I do X, how do other people respond? And sometimes the answer about how other people respond is not about what I put out there, so it's useful to be able to understand when the response you get is about the other person. But sometimes the answer is that you impact other people, in a positive way. That people respond with care and concern when you are honest about the pain you experience-- that is essentially the message I have learned over the years. When I pretend I'm fine and bore others with my fineness, I get mostly a ho-hum kind of thing. But when I am myself and real and open and share myself with others in my life, I get back the same; assuming I'm doing it in a way that other people can hear. Then it can become learning about how to say things in a way that makes it about me rather than about the other person; as truth that attacks other person is unlikely to be met with much enthusiasm.

I think you are tapping into something that is quite big and profound about how you relate to others. In my experience, it is worthwhile to check out assumptions and beliefs about what another person is doing. If you have a T who basically has his stuff together, I think the answer is that you are getting in return what you put out there. That seems like a good thing. Don't make it into something it's not.

[BudFox]

Sounds manipulative.

If it was a deliberate "technique" intended to provoke a response, that is manipulative by definition.

If his mood swing was due to personal problems, then you are being jerked around by his own needs.

Therapists are supposed to keep their crap out if it, but if they do insert their problems, it is usually rationalized as part of "the work".

I have not seen that kind of bipolar behavior in a therapist, but i'd be wary if i did.

Some people find it helpful to be manipulated like this. I found it toxic.

[Xynesthesia2]

I like what Anne said above about communication. I did not use my therapy in that way but practice very similar awareness and approaches in my everyday life, in all sorts of relationships.

I think there are therapists who are very solid and well-intentioned and there are also insecure, defensive, manipulative ones. I do not believe that anyone can regulate their moods at all times though (I think that idea that a T can keep their crap out of their work all the time is an illusion) and if someone's reaction feels disturbing and it is important, it is best to discuss it openly. Same about our own reactions and how others see and interpret us. Usually I find out from those kinds of discussions quite quickly if someone is stable, open and generally doing their best and perhaps just had a bad day or misunderstood me, or it's a chronically insecure, defensive, unreliable, close-minded person. The way someone reacts to feedback (both positive and negative) can reveal a lot IMO. I personally don't like to communicate merely expressing anger and frustration (the emotion) as I rarely find that productive, I prefer civil, non-impulsive dialog. Of course can't say I am always able to pull it off but it is usually a rewarding and constructive experience to try to interact that way.

[BudFox]

The problem is not that therapists cannot perfectly regulate mood. The problem is that therapists are ambiguous and evasive. You don't really know who you are talking to, and have little basis from which to judge their behavior. Plus clients are fed loads of BS about therapists keeping their needs out of the process. That sets up an expectation, even if it's a lie (which it is).

[mugwort2]

In my opinion I think you need to think if you should discuss your concerns. One thing for sure is to reflect on the pros and cons of the discussion. i mean to specifically to weigh the risks and benefits.. Talking for myself I feel I would be really hurt being jerked around like that. But that's me. Of course everybody is different. I only k now this one incident. How often does he do this? Yes he does sound quite manipulating.

[TeaVicar?]

It's possible he was having a bad/off day. It's best to ask him direct. I think it's ok for therapists to be challenging but intentionally provoking isn't cool imo.

[stopdog]

I believe those guys manipulate clients, or try to do so, all the time. I do not believe that of people in general - just therapists.

[precaryous]

I hope you ask about his behavior.

If a therapist wanted you to express anger and speak up if there was a problem, I hope he would help you with it therapeutically like through drama therapy, guided imagery, etc. and not act like a pissed off teenager leaving you to guess what the h is going on. I strongly dislike Ts that make me guess.

The only good thing that may come out of this, hopefully, is a conversation about your feelings about his behavior. I feel your T demonstrated poor form if he acted this way to elicit a response from you.

There should be ‘work’ done in therapy. But the work and it’s intent should be clear to all parties. Your therapy hour is also supposed to be a safe place to communicate with each other. Well-intentioned or not, I feel your T screwed this up.

It’s difficult to judge over this one vignette. Maybe he had a bad day, maybe he chose the wrong modality ....but I would find it difficult to stay with such an erratic T.

I want the therapy room to be, first and foremost, a sacred safe place.