Worried About T

It really seems very unlikely that this is personal. A DBT therapist ghosting a DBT client for five days would be an extremely unethical therapist indeed. Not saying it couldn't happen, but rather that the unlikelihood of that is very high. It is far more likely that your feelings about this possibility are triggered because of your experience with your previous therapist. Totally understandable that you would be triggered into thinking her absence right now is a very personal rejection given in the circumstances... but really, really unlikely that she is ghosting you or avoiding you specifically. It is far more probable scenario that she is ill or something like that.
I really hope you hear something soon.

I think it would be reasonable to contact someone in that office. I mean you need to make an appointment with her and so do other clients, so I am sure that others in the office won't see it as something negative.

Unless you send a letter to her office, and wait for a response. I hope you hear from her soon.

I agree that it should be fine to contact someone else in the office. They should at least be able to tell you if she's been away from the office or could maybe leave a note for her if she's not.

Hugs, i think you should call and find out if she is away or something. Five days is along time especially when you expect a call within a time. So for me it would be ok to reach out, i think no one will be upset if you call and find out.

Her phone line had been disconnected, and the voicemail is not accepting messages because it is full.

You can write her a letter or write the clinic a letter stating your needs.

My mom offered to call her since she has called her in the past when DBT T has not sent me my invoices (my mom helps with billing). In those situations, I think DBT T just forgets to respond to me and/or is busy at the moment and then forgets later to send them and/or respond to my text. But when my mom contacts her, I think my DBT T sees the urgency cuz she always answers her and sends them right away. My mom thought since I have already tried to reach her and if something is wrong, DBT T might be more likely to respond to her and/or tell her why she’s not talking to me. If something is really wrong with like the baby or pregnancy or something, I’m just so afraid of reaching out again because I feel like that would be really bad.

Are you able to find another DBT therapist that is more reliable.? This is terrible for you to be kept hanging like this. And she shouldn't only be responding to your mom, you are her patient.

Sorry I don't mean to be critical of her. Try writing/emailing or going down to her office.

Yes it’s possible I could find someone else but I don’t know how much I’d want to try DBT again. The reason I would actually want to continue seeing this DBT T (if the psychologist doesn’t work out) is because she’s been with me from the beginning since Ex T left and knows that history quite well. She is able to see both sides very clearly and has a very objective stance on it. This has been comforting to me because most Ts I’ve seen and told them what happened between Ex T and I instantly side with Ex T. I get that maybe DBT Ts probably lean more on the less judgemental side towards individuals with borderline tendencies, but I really don’t feel like I necessarily need to start totally over with DBT therapist because most of the behaviors that I initially struggled with during my relationship with Ex T and the aftermath, have become totally manageable.

I did email the psychologist I want to work with again to see if she has heard from DBT T at all and to tell her DBT T has been unresponsive to my messages. I am hoping she’s not upset with me for reaching out again (I left her a VM about 2 weeks ago seeing if we could schedule another appointment but she very clearly and sternly told me the decision wasn’t final and she needs to talk to DBT T first before making her decision). I just reached out to her because I’m worried about DBT T, not because I’m trying to rush her decision about whether she can/wants to work with me.

Thank you for your suggestions. I think going to her office though however would seem pretty obsessive. I’m scared if I reach out to her again in any form I’ll perpetuate my BPD label and she’ll think the same obsessive dynamic is happening with her that happened with Ex T.

You are welcome!

I am really sorry that happened to you. I really feel for you. The exact same thing happened to me when I went to a psychiatrist about emotional abuse from a previous mental health counselor and another psychiatrist. It really sucks.

Wow this must be really hard to deal with. This must also be triggering for you too.

Would it help to go through a DBT workbook until she gets back to you? I know this is not much help, but I am wondering what you can do.

I'm sorry to hear your DBT T has not responded. I understand how the not knowing and confusion over the disconnected phone message can cause a lot of anxiety and self-doubt.

Since it has been almost a week now, when is your next class? My DBT class meets every week. I would definitely call the office if that option is available to at least check on whether the next class will be meeting since she has not responded. Or go to the office and ask the same.

I know it has been a long wait but your next class should be meeting soon.

I’m actually not in the class anymore since my IOP meetings for alcohol conflicts

Any word from your T yet?

Yes Finally. She texted me back because I texted her again today:

Here is the dialogue:

Me: “Hi xxxx, I just wanted to reach out one more time. I would still like to meet this week if you are able. Would you mind letting me know? I’m quite worried there is something wrong because I haven’t heard from you and you didn’t respond to my phone coaching requests.”

DBT T: “Hey JustBreathe- I’m heading to xxxx for a conference, so I won’t be in the office tomorrow. I don’t answer blocked phone numbers, so I didn’t get your messages until the next day. I’m sorry about that.”

Me: “Thanks for for getting back to me. I thought since I texted you about the coaching calls and about meeting this week, you would have responded since my number only comes up blocked when I call.”

Me again: “I just feel pretty hurt because ever since I told you about maybe switching therapists, you haven’t been responsive to my texts or calls. I feel “dismissed.“

DBT T: “I’m sorry. I am doing less coaching now (my pregnancy hasn’t been easy). I didn’t have a discussion with you about that because the last two sessions I thought were our last. I’ve still been operating under the assumption you are transitioning to Dr. A.” (the psychologist)

Me: “I’m sorry your pregnancy hasn’t been easy. I assumed you were probably way busier and less available because of it, which I totally understand. I don’t want to argue, but I did feel like I explained everything in my texts and voicemails around the uncertainty with Dr. A (the psychologist) and my desire to meet with you in the meantime. Would it be possible to meet when you get back at a regularly scheduled time until we know for sure transitioning Dr. A is going to work out? She wanted me to have a smooth transition and I’d really like that too, but it’s difficult when I’m kind of left hanging.”

DBT T hasn’t responded to my last text yet. I feel pretty guilty for reaching out to her again since she did say her pregnancy has been difficult, but I’m just so confused because in the “last” sessions she was referring to she encouraged me to reach out for phone coaching if I needed it! And now she’s telling me she should have told me she’s not doing that anymore??!! I’m so frustrated because now she’s going on a trip and it is going on the third week since I’ve had a session with her and she and the psych I want to switch to still haven’t talked!

I also just this to her because I’m so triggered she’s leaving again. It feels like each correspondence is dragged out forever. I won’t text her anymore tonight but I’m just so confused and I don’t feel like she’s answering my questions or giving very solid explanations.

Me: “Also you told me in our last two sessions you were still available for phone coaching and encouraged me to utilize it even while I met with Dr. A. So this is all pretty confusing and difficult to hold. I know you are leaving tomorrow, but would you mind just letting me know how long you’ll be gone and could we plz get a session on the books?”

Do you guys think I sound clingy or obsessive? At this point, I’m just worried I’m going to screw stuff up with the new psychologist and DBT T is going to tell her about how clingy I was in all my texts to her.

Honestly, I think you're just feeling hypersensitive about this relationship because of what happened with your last T. I don't think you've done anything to worry about at all. If she got your phone message a day later, why didn't she return it? You're just trying to figure out what's going on and it seems totally reasonable to me.

Thank you. I finally got a session with her for next week! Now I’m just so afraid of how that’s going to go because I feel like I’ve been very pushy in my texts with her today. I sometimes feel like I have so much drama in my life just between therapists alone. Lol

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Well I understand that your DBT therapist is having pregnancy issues, she is ethically bound to not abandon you. You left messages and it is ridiculous she hasn't called you back. I definitely don't think you are "too clingy". Your concern is valid. Perhaps you could use this time to practice radical acceptance and more DEAR MAN (I think your texts were skillful and in Wise Mind).

If Dr. A is already kind of being like this, I wonder if it might be good to look for other options. You have already had relational trauma from your first T terminating under ridiculous circumstances. I think you would need someone willing to really stick it out with you but that is just my opinion. I am sorry your DBT T has put you through this. My heart goes out to you. It sucks that this dx has such a stigma you live in fear of not being treated for it. I truly understand.

Hugs I agree with what BizzyBee wrote. I hope things turn out for the best. To me she is still bound to be there for you, it's like she abandon you with her using her pregnancy as a way to get out of something she agreed to. She should of talked to you before about it if she was not going to be avalible to you and helped you find other supports. I don't think you are clingy unfortantly you have been hurt by the other t so it's understandable to feel that way. I like how you texted her it was very honest and very well worded. Hugs

Thank you. Honestly, it really means a lot hearing that my texts were skillful. I often feel so ashamed when I think back to how I acted with Ex T and the borderline label really stuck with me. I know the relationship was two sided and many of you have expressed validation towards my experience, but once I heard the borderline label, I feel like my experience is totally clouded and I’m automatically in the wrong whenever I feel hurt or rejected. I now always get really anxious when I express my emotions or feelings because I’m afraid that borderline tendency is just popping up again and people are just going to assume I’m misinterpreting everything like I’ve done in the past with Ex T. These texts felt really authentic to me, so it means so much to me that they sounded skillful. I thought for sure they would come across as clingy (because that’s always been my authentic reaction).

I really hope things work out with the new psychologist. She seems reliable, but I don’t know if I need to assume she’s judging me for my BPD tendencies. I respect professionals who know the behaviors of BPD and don’t feel like they can help because the behaviors are quite extreme and can be difficult to manage/help, but I do have an issue with psychologists not simply understanding the behaviors as ingrained coping strategies for the relational trauma the client has experienced and then judge the behavior as being character flaws, like selfish, manipulative, attention seeking, stalkerish, etc. It’s impossible to know what the psychologist thinks, but she has been responsive and didn’t charge me for the 1 hour conversation we had in her office. It was going to be an intake, but after she and I started talking, she realized I was already seeing DBT T and simply wanted to talk about how the transition needs to be smooth and why I want to switch. I think that was nice of her because I’ve seen psychologists in the past for intake and even though they decide right off the bat they can’t work with me, they still charge for the full intake fee

Hmm. Can things not be both coping strategies emerging from relational trauma and also be selfish, manipulative, attention seeking, etc.? A child who is raised being given everything they want by their parents will be spoiled and entitled even though that's not by their own doing. Yes, you might call the things you listed coping skills with BPD, but the gist of it is that they are ways to get needs met. For a spoiled child, throwing tantrums might be a way they find to get what they see as a need met. But being spoiled is still basically a character flaw, right? I guess what I'm trying to get at is that these things can be character flaws, but that doesn't mean that they are innate. And I would certainly hope that any psychologist would understand that, just as any person with common sense knows that a spoiled child is not an inherently bad child but the result of poor parenting.

I do not have BPD (as far as I know), but I do have some BPD traits, and the ones I do have tend to be a bit extreme. I can be very selfish, unbelievably manipulative, and yes, attention seeking. I can also be selfless, honest, and attentive to others when they need it. Nobody is just one thing.

The therapist I see takes a nonjudgemental stance towards me as a person, but she does judge my individual actions - while also acknowledging her understanding of why I do the things I do. When I say she "judges," what I mean is that she unapologetically identifies something as wrong, says I am in the wrong for doing it, and doesn't pretend everything's coming up roses if I keep doing it. Doing otherwise would be colluding with me in my dysfunction. I kind of hate her at the moment, but... eh, she's not that bad, I guess.

Try and remember that you are not BPD. You have BPD. I would actually even argue that a lot of people with cPTSD are misdiagnosed with BPD. I am not saying you are misdiagnosed but I really hate the stigma attached to BPD, even with mental health professionals.

I can understand your anxiety given your recent experiences. I would highly recommend directly asking her how she views people with DBT traits. I am so glad she seemed open. I would just be leery of her insistence to speak with DBT T. I am so sorry it has been hard for you to find the support you deserve. Hopefully things will work out soon. Sending lots of support!

did you hear from her after your last text?

Why would you be leery on her insistence to speak with DBT T? I guess I’m just trying to stay really positive because I really don’t want to get my feelings hurt. Perhaps it’s just a protective mechanism because I would feel really triggered if she was judgemental of me for having BPD tendencies. I am telling myself that she just wants me to get the care that I need, not that she wants to make sure I’m not crazy or something. She does work with people who have psychosis which I know I don’t have. I just thought she’d be use to the tough cases.

Most therapists want to form their own opinion on a client. If they talk to a previous therapist I would be concerned that they may take on the bias of the other therapist instead of forming their own. Now this is not necessarily the case. She probably does want to give you the best care she can. Maybe since she works with people with more complex cases she is more inclined to collaborate with another T. I just think she shouldn't make you wait to start until she can talk to DBT T. But that is just me.

I don't want to make you worry unduly. You see, I have had some bad experiences and may be projecting my concerns on your situation. Try and trust yourself. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.