Thinking of therapist as a comfort tool and embarrassed to share

The other night I had an emitional flashback, which for me involves not thinking straight, silent wailing, wanting to die and feeling scared someone is going to kill me (myself). Anyway before I would have used self harm to sooth myself and then moved on to drinking and then just waiting until I had exhausted myself. Now I try and use parts work and for the most of it that doesn't not work at all. It only really works asserting I am not going to harm or kill myself and I still rely heavily on exhausting myself.


Anyway I then started to imagine my T was present. It had an instant calming effect on me, considering I don't always feel safe around her and heavily dissociated because she has pushed me too far in therapy.


I have very mixed feelings A) I like the fact I am attached to her in this way it reassures me B) I wish my own internal voice was enough and having to lean on the imaginery version of my T makes me feel inept somehow C) I feel really embarrssed admitting this to my therapist.

Can anyone relate to this at all??

I can relate. I have told my Ts that when I am in a really stressful situation I think to myself what would T say or do? Neither seem to think it is a bad thing nor a sign or that I am to dependent.

I have problems with object consistency. I can't even remember people's faces until I actually see them. So I ask my Ts for a transitional object. That really helps me hold onto them. I also have pictures of them that I found on the internet. Maybe those things might help you?

I can absolutely relate. My T is a huge comfort to me. I even have a weighted lap pad that matches his office that I often use for self soothing. He has seen the lap pax and is OK with it. My T is very happy that I feel safe enough with him that I use him to comfort (I am usually afraid of men). He appreciates that thinking of him is soothing for me AND he wants to use that to help me learn to be/feel safe enough with myself to self sooth.

I've done that before, imagining my T being present to soothe myself. Thinking of her presence sometimes helps when I'm struggling to sleep. I've also imagined more embarrassing things for my own comfort. But my T was nonjudgemental when I opened up about it. She simply asked if imagining her was helping me.

I think those people both expect and like clients to use them as a comfort tool. I never felt like that towards them or comfort from them, but from what I have read and what the woman said, it is not unusual nor unexpected

I do that often, especially during flashbacks but also when I'm just stressed or down in general.

I told my T about it a while ago, he said he thinks that's a good thing to do, so I feel pretty okay about it.

Not imagination, but in the beginning with both Ts I had a period when the sessions really uplifted my mood and gave me a motivational boost. That was part of the reason I chose to have sessions first thing in the morning - I often felt more productive in the rest of the day. It did not last long though, I think for me it was just a novelty effect, nothing about comfort or attachment. I react in similar ways to many different kinds of novelty that interest me.

Feeling aren't right or wrong, they simply are...and should be honored.

I’ve discussed this with my T. She likes to talk about self soothing. I’ve told her that as I was never comforted as a child, and never sought comfort from others as a child I feel that part of the point of therapy for me is to be comforted by her presence. She agrees.

Feelings deserve to be honoured. They aren't ''right'' or ''wrong''.

Feelings such as described by the OP are very common and ''should'' not be a cause for shame.

Parts work is a good idea it is especially helpful and relatable to me and my situation. I test my variables daily in hopes my therapist hear our work out and decides to help me on my journey on how to remain intact if I can catch a part that is willing to do A or B especially with normal environmental factors.

Try to remain objective and not think so bad about the idea of the therapist becoming a friend especially if comforting.