[SummerTime12]

Trigger for CSA (no details, just mention it)

I had a last-minute session with my t today due to someone close to me passing away and the funeral being tomorrow. Problem is, I want to go to the service because it’s important for me, but I know that someone who sexually abused me when I was little will be there. I haven’t seen this guy in over 10 years.

This part might not make sense, but I feel even more anxious about it because my parents will be there, and they know what he did because I finally told them this year (which I now regret). They responded great and everything, I just hate the idea of them knowing while he’s there and I’m there. Idk how to explain it. It just feels violating all over again.

As a result, my t and I felt like it would be best if my husband went with me (he wasn’t planning to go because he’s never met the person who died) since I’m more comfortable leaning on him for support. I was starting to feel a little better about the situation.

After my session, I got home and asked my husband if he’d go with me to the funeral tomorrow. He was saying no before I could even finish the question. I had to say “wait, just let me finish what I’m saying,” and then was able to tell him that the reason I’m asking him to go is because one of the guys who did stuff to me when I was younger will be there. My husband was literally groaning about not wanting to go and saying why did I ask all last minute. And then he complained that I was trying to guilt him into going...

So basically, my husband isn’t supportive right now, it’s too late to contact my t, and I have to figure out what I want to do all over again.

Support or ideas are appreciated.

[susannahsays]

Wow. I thought you were going to say the problem was that your husband was getting violent ideas about physically assaulting this perpetrator. That obviously wouldn't be a good thing - but, idk, it's more what I would have expected. Not that your husband is a complete and utter twat when you're not only in mourning, but are facing being around someone who violated you as a child. I'm sorry that he isn't coming through for you when you need him. I guess you need to decide if seeing this perpetrator will be destabilizing, and if so, is that a price you are not only willing but are able to pay right now. As in, could this make you suicidal or anything? Send you into a downward spiral of flashbacks and stuff? If so, I would not attend the funeral.

[nottrustin]

i am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it can be. Do you think part of your husbands issue with attending is he doesn't want to be around this other person?

My husband struggles because my perp was my stepfather who is also the only grandfather my children have ever known. When I told my husband about my stepfather he was irate. He also feels sad that he wasnt able to protect me. It is very difficult because both hubby and I struggle around step dad but he is the only grandpatebt who is alive and living in state.

[SummerTime12]

Well, I decided to ask my husband once more if he’d consider going, and told him it would mean a lot to me.

That was a mistake.... he called me bogus, selfish, said it was a d*ck move and a d-bag move to ask him the day before and force him to go... he called me manipulative and kept saying I’m guilting him. I honestly didn’t think I was, but I recorded our conversation so I can know the truth and not feel crazy later. I know it might be kinda messed up to record him without him knowing, but I just want to hear if I’m actually acting like he claims I am.

[susannahsays]

I don't even know what to say. I am lost for words. That rarely happens with me.

[Omers]

That totally sucks. I know it isn’t the same but could you do a service for the loved one that passed at home or in a park? When my grandmother passed I was not able to get home to say goodbye or to attend services. My grandmother was Catholic so I got out a rosary she had given me some time back, lit a candle and had a cup of tea and some toast (she always made tea and toast when I would visit). When I was able to I then went out to the grave site and spent some time there.

[Nik87]

I am so so sorry. That is horrible. You must feel like you’re living in a twighlight zone. My husband made me feel that way at times. It’s hard to not feel like you’re the crazy person who’s in the wrong. Unless there is something you are leaving out, he is completely in the wrong. Once more people respond, I would show him this post so he can see how people are reacting to his behavior.

[Amyjay]

You are totally not a douchebag for asking, nor are you selfish or manipulative. It was totally okay for you to ask him to accompany you.
It is also totally okay for him to say he doesn't want to go. That is well within his rights as well, and a perfectly acceptable thing for him to decline.
What is pretty douchebag-ish is him guilting you into feeling guilty about asking him. It's a pretty crappy thing for him to manipulate your feelings in that way.
I am curious as to why he wants you to feel bad about asking. I wonder what his internal motivation is?
Maybe you asked in a way that felt manipulative to him. Maybe it triggers old feelings about him feeling manipulated in other situations by other people. Maybe he really struggles with funerals and he is responding from a feeling place of trauma. Maybe he feels guilty because he had other plans that he would prefer to keep tomorrow instead of being a supportive partner... so maybe he is projecting the guilt on to you.

Whatever the reason for his response... I hope you can find a way to deal with the situation you face tomorrow. I hope if you see the a*hole that harmed you, you are able to give him absolutely nothing. I don't mean in an avoidant way... I mean in an active way... I hope you can give him nothing in way that he KNOWS he is on the receiving end of nothing. Giving nothing can be immensely powerful.
You are powerful now.

[LonesomeTonight]

Wow, I'm so sorry your H reacted that way. It doesn't sound like you were being manipulative at all--you were just asking for his support. Which I think is a completely reasonable request. If your H had specific reasons for not wanting to go (he couldn't get out of something at work, he's worried he'd be angry at the guy instead of supportive of you, he doesn't do well at funerals, etc.), he should have told you. And apologized for not being able to support you. Not turned everything back on you when you're struggling both with the loss of the person who died and the perpetrator being there. It kind of sounds like he's gaslighting you, actually. And also trying to make himself feel better by blaming you. Have you decided whether to go to the funeral? Is there anyone else who could go with you, like a friend? Even if you didn't feel comfortable telling the friend what was going on, you could just say you need support and your H won't be there. Hugs...

[SummerTime12]

@susannahsays, loss of words because of what he said or me recording him?
@Omers I actually thought about doing something like that too. Thanks for the ideas. If I don’t go to the funeral, I’ll definitely visit the gravesite.
@Nik87 thank you, yeah I’m not exactly sure what to feel right now. I think if I showed him this he would be pretty upset that I shared our business online, otherwise it would be a good idea.
@Amyjay I get what you mean about giving him nothing, but I’m not really mad at the guy. He had his own issues at the time and probably didn’t even really understand he was doing something wrong.. so I don’t want to make him feel bad, I just don’t want to trigger myself.

And I get that my husband has the right to not go to the funeral, I guess that what makes me upset is knowing that I wouldn’t hesitate to support him if he had a similar situation, no matter how much I didn’t feel like going.
@LonesomeTonight Thank you for your kind words. I haven’t decided if I’m going yet, but if I do I think I would just show up briefly by myself. And I kind of see what you mean about gaslighting.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much of him? It feels like a reasonable request, but then I think about it more and think I must be wrong somehow. My mind is constantly cycling. I don’t know how to react or where to go from here, because it’s like the things he says/does are not extreme enough to warrant me questioning our relationship, but yet too upsetting for me to just go on like this.

[Rive.]

Your husband is behaving in a selfish and insensitive way to your simple request for support.

That says a lot about him that - instead of being there for his wife, he is behaving like a whiny brat and throwing a tantrum..

Do you have any friends you could stick with? Or even your parents? Just so you have someone able to 'protect' you from any encounters or even from seeing that guy.

[Omers]

Your request IMO was completely reasonable... as much as people like to trash my H for being controlling and unsupportive he would find the request reasonable... although he would have difficulty not confronting the abuser.
I am sure with some of the things I have posted on here about my H a lot of people will roll their eyes at this but... I would question the relationship or at least look into marriage counseling.

[SummerTime12]

@Rive. Thank you for validating what I’m feeling. He did seem like a grown man throwing a tantrum. I’ve decided to just not go to the funeral because I feel like it might be too much with everything going on with my husband right now. I’ve been doing much better this last month (not feeling suicidal) and I worry that the mixture of those two things could send me downhill.
@Omers I definitely agree about the marriage counseling, but he is unwilling. However, at this point I might make it an ultimatum. As much as I hate to do that, for some reason this argument is making me see our relationship differently than I have after other arguments.

Today he’s acting like nothing happened. I just finished chatting online with someone from a website loveisrespect.org, and they pretty much said it’s emotional abuse and gaslighting. Which I know people here have said before... I guess I’m just a little bit closer to maybe seeing it now. Idk. I still feel like I’m overreacting.

[toomanycats]

It is ridiculous and manipulative of him to be insulting you for asking him to go to this funeral to support you.
It's just plain wrong. Kind of emotionally abusive, honestly.

[Salmon77]

I think your request was reasonable. It would be reasonable for your husband to say he doesn't want to or has other plans or whatever. It's not at all reasonable for him to call you manipulative, bogus, selfish, etc. That sucks and it really makes me wonder how he treats you in general.

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I still feel like I’m overreacting.

Erm, no. You were merely asking your spouse for some emotional support. Instead of standing by you and being there for you, he decided to act like a toddler.

That one's on him. He needs to grow up.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

@susannahsays, loss of words because of what he said or me recording him?

I was dumbfounded by your husband's tirade.

I mean, it's like he was accusing you of doing everything he was doing. Obviously, I wasn't there, and can't know the words you used to ask him to go with you. However, the request was completely reasonable and his accusations don't seem to indicate any wrongdoing on your part. He just seems angry you asked, and asked the day before. Sure, it would have been nice if he'd had more notice, but his accusations were completely out of all proportion and inexcusable.

He is guilty of everything he accused you of. He is a huge **** making **** bag moves. He is enormously selfish. And manipulative? Guilting? Sounds like he's got that down pat.

And yeah, I agree that he's emotionally abusive. I decided to hold my tongue and sit on it overnight because I felt like I was becoming enraged on a personal level. I had been thinking back to when you were feeling so awful and suicidal around the time of graduation. He was AWFUL to you then. He kept calling you selfish then, too.

I just wonder if this is a pattern. I'm glad it sounds like you took a step on your own to reach out to somebody to talk about this issue.

[SummerTime12]

Ok so I brought it up to him today by saying “I didn’t like the way you were talking to me yesterday,” and then we had a whole conversation from there, during which he apologized but also said I was, in fact, manipulative yesterday, although he said he was sure I didn’t mean to be. And now I’m wondering if I’m crazy for thinking he was wrong??

This is a really strange request, but would anyone possibly be willing to listen to our conversation to tell me if I really said something manipulative or if I’m going crazy? I understand that’s a really weird thing to ask, but I’m at a loss here and too ashamed to ask anyone irl. I just don’t trust my perspective at this point.
@susannahsays I’m impressed you remembered that whole situation. I’m glad you told me how strongly his reaction impacted you, because I’m starting to doubt myself again.

[susannahsays]

I'll listen if you want.

[Amyjay]

I will also listen. I can hear how much you doubt your own reality and your own perceptions. From your descriptions here he has been using gaslighting behaviors (likely unintentionally) and you are responding as a person who has been repeatedly gaslighted responds. Every single person here has responded to your post by saying your request was a perfectly reasonable one and your husband's response was not.
It is so much easier to see the pattern of gaslighting in a relationship that is not your own.

[SummerTime12]

Update: I saw my t today. Long story short, he suggested that I assert myself by asking my husband to just listen while I tell him how I feel, and not respond right away.

I tried that and here’s a summary...

I told my h I wanted to tell him how I feel and asked if he could just listen. I said I felt hurt and sad after our conversation. He kept saying sorry and maybe he shouldn’t have said some of the things he said, maybe he was too extreme, but he felt pressured. When I said I want him to process what I said and not respond right away, he said he already processed it so why can’t he respond now, he’s not the type of person to sleep on it. He said “you asked me to think about how you feel and I did, I listened to you, could you please think about how I feel and what you did to make me feel that way, I know you probably didn’t mean to.” He said I used nice words when I asked him to go with, but that he felt babied. He said it’s not the words you said it’s what you mean, that I basically said to him “you have to go with me, decide now.” (I didn’t say that)

I am SO confused and torn you guys. My t said that’s it’s not ok for him to talk to me like this, but he also said that since we’re operating under the assumption that my husband cares about me and is willing to try, it’s worth fighting for.

[SummerTime12]

I’m starting to believe maybe I did pressure him somehow without knowing?? But I don’t think I did? This ***** is crazy making. Should I just let this go?

[unaluna]

So he just didnt like HOW you asked, but otherwise he REALLY would have wanted to do this thing for you?

So you know that sounds like horse puckey, right?

Maybe you and your t are operating under the wrong assumption.

Sorry if i sound grumpy, but i had an h who thought he was doing me a favor being married to me, and that he never had to do another thing for me ever. If i was unhappy, i could leave. He had everything he wanted - his friends, -- well, that was about it. So yeah i left.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

My t said that’s it’s not ok for him to talk to me like this, but he also said that since we’re operating under the assumption that my husband cares about me and is willing to try, it’s worth fighting for.

Is he actually willing to try, though? It sounds like he isn't willing to make even a token effort to hear your perspective before jumping in with his own. Maybe he has shown a willingness, but based on what you've shared, that's not the impression I get. Seems like he thinks you are the problem, and that his behavior is your responsibility to manage.

As for caring about you, I have no idea, but you can care about someone and also be bad for them. If he does care about you, his behavior is really at odds with that.

I wouldn't let this go.

[InnerPeace111]

You mentioned marriage counseling earlier. If he won’t go with you, go by yourself. Do not let any of this go until there is a resolution that you know is right in your heart.