Warnings for those who've never been in therapy

I hear you.

For me, I have found that my gut instinct has always been there, but it didn't mean I always listened to it though. I spent a lot of time not listening to my gut instinct, and it was the times I didn't listen to it that life went most awry. Fortunately, my therapists helped me trust myself again and listen to that inner voice that truly has known what was right for me. I've also fortunately never had my time with therapists end up as wasted time. I'm sorry that has been your experience; that sounds very painful.

Beware that when you find the right therapist and are ready to work hard and really look yourself in the eye, your life might change into something so much better.

I would say to try not to idealize them. They likely suffered their own trauma and have their own diagnosis for which they see a PDOC and take medication. The same thing goes for their present life. Trust when I say..they are not the perfect parent or perfect spouse. Try not to think they go home at the end of the day to this perfect life free from problems. They don’t.

I would also say don’t let things fester. If the therapist annoys you or something they are doing is not working for you then go ahead and say what’s bothering you. You pay them!

Main warnings I'd give...

Therapists answer to nobody.
Rules and boundaries protect therapists.
Attachment is a euphemism for dependency.
Your therapist might be disturbed, it's hard to know.
It's not safe to trust someone you know so little about.
People in a position of power tend to abuse that power.
Your therapist's caring is largely a performance.
Therapy is addictive.

Yes, my gut now says, run as completely as you can away from those people.

Does that mean that years and years of therapy "helped" me get in touch with my gut? No, I think it was some people posting in this forum with views about therapy that were contrary to what therapists said about themselves and their profession that started to clue me in. And the more I looked at that, the more it realistically matched my experience. The gut started waking up, despite the horror of realizing how much time and hope I had wasted on my previous view of therapy, which therapists had encouraged and exploited.

definitely was for me.

full of endless obsessive ruminations, self absorbence, and the promise of unfulfilled needs never being quite satisfied session after session that kept me coming back more....

One thing I would not understand without having tried therapy are the differences between old patterns and issues appearing and creating a mostly or totally irrelevant, parallel universe. It is often said that therapy will bring up latent issues and put our old emotional and behavioral patterns out there for T and client to analyze and understand. But, I think, it can just as often generate something artificial that can easily turn into a powerful distraction but has really no usefulness in the client's life as it only appears in therapy/in that particular interpersonal combo and specific to that situation. I definitely experienced that problem and it is not always easy to tell the difference initially, especially if a T keeps claiming that what shows up are the client's deeper, true problems. But it is easy to spend years, even decades, on "exploring" that parallel universe while real problems remain unresolved or even get worse. So, I think it is always a good idea to think about this critically and maybe seek consultation from peers or another professional if it is difficult to judge. I think places like this forum can be good for that and also talking with friends or others who know us well. Some T's claiming that's "acting out" is BS in my view and can become quite destructive in some cases.

Check your wallet. While therapy can be incredibly useful, transformative even, do not put yourself into financial ruin because of therapy.

Stick to your financial plan. Seek a professional who works on a sliding scale if necessary, but think twice before you pay off a therapist's mortgage or put multiple children through college.

They are never going to say "I cannot in good conscience take your money." Nor are some of them above cheating insurance companies. There are good ones, expensive ones, good expensive ones, and bad expensive ones.

Don’t go to therapy if your reason for it is trying to fight loneliness and wanting to have a friend.

Therapist isn’t there to be your romantic partner. If you develop sexual desire for your t (pr any professional providing services) or think you are in love with them, don’t expect them to reciprocate. It’s not what they are there for.

If you think one of them is lonely and uses being a therapist to overtly help them with loneliness, or wants to have sex with you or wants to be your friend - run away as fast as you can. Those people are not above using clients for their own emotional needs

Likewise if a therapist encourages you to fear him, defer to him or idolize him as an authority or sham expert. (I question how a therapist can be legitimately "expert" at subjects so complex and varied as relationships, grief, etc.)

I disagree a therapist cant make therapy successful or a failure. A therapists job is to help us and guide us, however unless it is an abusive situation, it is ultimately up to us.

That assumes a lot about the therapist, therapy, and if the client knows what is supposed to be going on.
I don't think the client is to blame when therapy fails = I think it is on therapy itself and the therapist.
So we will just have to agree to disagree.

The internet is filled with stories of therapists reciprocating. Or initiating.

There are also many stories of people caught up in humiliating unrequited fake therapy love.

Therapy is set up to provoke this s**t. Therapists are serial seducers (often subtle). It's convenient to blame the client for "getting the wrong idea".

It's a great profession for sexual predators. Emotional predators too.

Ultimately my success in life and therapy is up to me. i can choose to stay in a theraputic relation that is unhealthy and not working or I can choose to move on. Sure therapists have influence but ultimately it is up to me. When I felt stuck with T who I was still doing great work with and adored I still approached the subject of seeing a second T for the area I was stuck.

We can agree to disagree.

[QUOTE=BudFox;6579253]The internet is filled with stories of therapists reciprocating. Or initiating. ****The intwrnet is also filled with amazing therapists who help clients fo on the live better lives*******

There are also many stories of people caught up in humiliating unrequited fake therapy love. ****there are many stories of therapists eho help client's work through these feelings*****

Therapy is set up to provoke this s**t. Therapists are serial seducers (often subtle). It's convenient to blame the client for "getting the wrong idea". ****SOME Ts are pathetic asses****

It's a great profession for sexual predators. Emotional predators too.[/QUOTE *****as are many other professions....the profession itself doesnt promote or xonsone these. As in every other procession there are good and the bad.

Therapists are in it to make a living. Any specific client is expendable.
Don't bet more than you are willing to lose. Therapists are master manipulators who often get off on power and adoration.

Therapists and other clients will seek to shame and blame you if things go amiss - don't believe them.

Therapy is not the only road to happiness or "healing" or anything else. It is one tool that might help you or not -but it is not the only thing possible of helping and it can cause great harm. Don't rush in, be cautious, and keep your head and emotions in check. Take classes to know how they manipulate and do stuff at clients. I found that very helpful in fending the woman off from doing at me what I did not want. Be firm with them and keep your boundaries firm and tight.

I agree with most of the last patagraphy.

OP asked what warnings we’d give. That’s the warning I would give. You can give a different one. We don’t all have to have the same response

Of course there are awful therapists who sexually or otherwise abuse their clients. In my post I wasn’t referring to those situations. I was specifically referring to unfortunate situations when clients expect therapists to reciprocate to their feelings and respond to advances. Someone who has never been in therapy needs to be warned that expectations of therapists becoming their lovers and friends (during or after therapy) etc are totally unrealistic. It would save some people ton of heartache if they were warned ahead of time.

Excellent points. Therapy could be expensive and it’s worth it trying to at least look for more affordable options etc

Therapists are there to work like all of us. Don’t be surprised that they are getting paid lol they aren’t volunteers.

As in any profession there are some good therapists and some bad as there are bad doctors and good doctors etc

They aren’t G-ds, they are just regular folks like the rest of us. I have a very good dentist but if I don’t brush and floss and don’t watch my diet my teeth will fall out no matter how good is my dentist. She isn’t miracle worker. Therapists aren’t miracle workers either.

Don’t be afraid to stop therapy if it doesn’t suit you or your therapist sucks or you simply want to do other things in life. Unless court ordered you aren’t required to spend your entire life in therapy

I haven't seen much evidence that people go in with those expectations. I think it's much more likely people will develop intense and disturbing feelings that are outside their control, provoked directly by the bizarre therapy game. I think there ought to be warnings about that.

Therapists imply lots of things about client expectations. It's one of many techniques they use to deflect accountability.

I’ve seen evidence of that (at least with expectation to have a friend). I’ve also seen evidence of people being angry with therapists for not responding favorably to romantic and sexual advances and insisting that therapists must reciprocate. I’ve also seen evidence of people getting angry or very upset with therapists declining friendship offers. I’ve seen evidence of people expecting it from every t they see very soon after meeting them and being heartbroken every single time.

That’s why I believe that it’s a valid warning:: regardless what is one’s goal or reason for attending therapy therapists cannot be their friends or lovers. I firmly believe that it would save everyone a lot of pain and suffering if they knew that . I would even go as far as suggesting that therapists should give a disclaimer about it when take on a new client.

Personally I’d probably be a bit taken aback if t gave me such disclaimer, but I’ve seen evidence that many people would benefit from such disclaimer.

We can agree to disagree. I believe it’s a valid warning based on ton of evidence from this forum alone

While it makes sense that a sexual or emotional predator might be attracted to the profession--the two therapists (I don't count the 1st one whom I only went to twice because she had nothing to offer) I have gone to have been nothing but professional and are careful about establishing boundaries but were also willing to be flexible about boundaries after I saw them a few times. Not all therapy is bad. Sometimes we need someone to listen to our troubles so that we don't have to burden our loved ones as much. My POV is that therapy is helpful when we are going through or just survived a stressful event. Trust your gut--if it is telling you something is wrong or you are getting nothing out of it (wasting time/money)--run~!

People can develop intense and disturbing feelings that are outside of their control with other people in their lives besides therapists IMO.... I do agree that people don't go into therapy wanting to be friends or wanting to develop a sexual attraction. I am not sure if the "other" person is what provokes these feelings. As someone who occassionally developes intense feelings about people--I think the reasons have to do more with me rather than manipulation from the other person. This is my experiece. Perhaps I am naive in assuming that it wasn't an evil plot that I was seduced?